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Women's Bodies and Sexuality Are Not Gross

02/03/2015 08:56 am ET | Updated Feb 02, 2016
Image Source via Getty Images

I hope there are some straight male writers out there who are going to respond to this. But in case they don't see this piece, I'd like to do the valiant thing and, as a fellow lover of women and sex with women, speak to this ridiculousness that crossed my path, titled "8 Things That Actually Gross Guys Out in Bed."

Women, if this is how the person you're sleeping with feels, it's time to trade up. Seriously. I've slept with my share of men, and if one of them brought up any of these issues, I would be laughing all the way to the front door as I graciously showed him out.

We have a problem, in case you didn't know. We have a problem with women having low self-esteem. With women hating their bodies. With women not thinking they're sexy enough or young enough or this enough or that enough. We get it from the media. From other women. From men. And, most painfully, from ourselves.

We are told we don't want sex often enough. We want it too much. We are too made-up. We are not made-up enough. We should love our bodies. We should hate our disgusting bodies. And articles like this are examples of the worst of this kind of shaming.

These are a few of the things that gross men out, according to the writer of this charming piece.

"You Lack Confidence in Bed"

We're smelly and gross, and we look and do it all wrong, but we need to be more confident! Is it April Fools' Day? What is going on here? Women will be confident in bed when they are treated like equal humans and equal sexual partners. In the meantime, men who believe this crap should be glad that women want to sleep with them at all.

You want the woman you're with to be more confident? Give her a reason to be.

One thing I have discovered from sleeping with women is that we need to feel supported in order to feel confident in bed, and women -- at least the ones I've had the lucky happenstance to sleep with -- are damn-good at doing that for one another. We need to be told we look great and smell great and sound great. We need to be empowered to get after it. If she's not confident, it may be because you're making her feel insecure.

But women, don't get too confident and start -- gasp! -- talking too dirty, because next up in this delightful read is:

"You Talk Really Dirty"

What? Really? Seriously? Now we're censoring women's speech in bed? Half the "advice" out there is about letting loose and being open and trying new positions and talking dirty. And now? What? It went to far. Are the naughty, naughty girls scaring the boys? Be careful what you wish for. This Pandora's box is open wide. Yup, pun intended.

Lesbian or straight, dirty talk is hot. You have a right and a responsibility to be your true self in bed. If you like to talk dirty, good on you. Find a partner who likes to listen.

"There's Something Funky Down There"

Actually problematic? Fine. An infection? That is an issue. Yes. But other than that (hopefully) rare occurrence, there is nothing wrong with a woman's natural scent and appearance. When, oh, when are we going to learn this and accept this? Pussies do not need to be primped or scrubbed, and they should smell like pussies.

This seems to be so much more of an issue in the straight world. Lesbians have pussies, so they know how they work. Men need to understand the equipment if they want to play, and they have to partner with women they can trust to show them around and to know their own parts.

"You Pee with the Door Open"

Peeing, really? Pooping, OK, but peeing? It's pee. Pee! You know, squirting is watered-down urine. Yup. Chew on that. And get a grip, please. Guys are disgusted with vaginas when those vaginas are peeing -- and actually it's our urethras, not our vaginas, that are peeing, but I digress -- but they have no problem with fucking those vaginas? Come on.

I'm feeling a Soylent Green moment coming on: I want to scream, "Women are people! People!" We pee. We also pass gas and burp, and sometimes we get sweaty. Any man -- or woman -- worth sleeping with will see you as a whole person and ignore this bullshit "advice" that furthers the myths that women are Barbies and men are Neanderthals.

Come on, people, we're all people, lesbian, straight, or otherwise.

"You Kiss Him Right After Going Down on Him"

So, again, let me clarify here: You are fine with your cock in a woman's mouth and your cum in her mouth, because that's hot. But don't get that shit anywhere near your own mouth, because that shit is nasty? Are you serious? Who are these immature assholes? Nothing is hotter than making out with a girl who's just had her mouth on your, well, lips.

Sex is sweaty and wet and hot and wild and unrefined and messy and loud. Trying to clean up sex is like convincing pigs to steer clear of the mud. It's stupid and useless, and it ruins all the fun.

I hate to generalize, but in my experience, women don't have these same gross-out points when it comes to other women. Maybe because we own the equipment, we don't take issue with these non-issues.

What I can tell you -- no generalizations required -- is that I know exactly what grosses out women in bed: people who think like this.