This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. Contributors control their own work and posted freely to our site. If you need to flag this entry as abusive, send us an email.
Right now I'm 9 weeks pregnant, and I've already been told "congratulations" dozens of times.
This is new for me.
I've been through this pregnancy thing many times before, but in the past, my husband and I have always waited to announce it until much later.
After all (the standard wisdom goes), the risk of miscarriage is highest during the first 12 weeks, and you wouldn't want to announce a pregnancy and then lose it, would you?
Advertisement
I don't even know where I first heard the advice to keep quiet until the second trimester "just in case"; all I know is that I'd always taken it.
And then "just in case" happened, three times.
Because we'd so zealously guarded the secret that we were pregnant, when we had those early miscarriages between 6 and 10 weeks, no one knew. Just Phillip and me. Not even our own children knew.
Advertisement
Why I'd ever believed that keeping to the 12-week rule would safeguard me, I really don't know.
I still endured the grueling physical process of miscarriage and struggled with the messy emotions of grief, sadness, frustration and anger. I just did it alone.
In the days and weeks afterward, friends at church smiled and chatted with me in the hallways like they always did. Why wouldn't they? The other parents at my kids' schools were cordial as ever. Life went on, just like always.
Advertisement
Not a single soul so much as acknowledged that we'd just lost a baby, because no one knew there'd been a baby to lose.
I wish I'd told someone -- at least my family and close friends -- as soon as I spotted two pink lines on my pregnancy test. I wished a friend could've asked me in those dark days after a loss, "How's the pregnancy going?", so that I could share what had happened with someone.
Instead, I swallowed my feelings when I knew I was going to be interacting with someone that day, so I could keep acting normal.
For the most part, I'd kept my pregnancy a secret; I felt so awkward about opening up after the fact that I kept my miscarriages a secret, too.
Waiting to announce our pregnancy hadn't made things better when "just in case" happened. It had actually made them worse.
Advertisement
It took me years to come to terms with my miscarriages, and I think the silence was part of the problem.
It was only after I "came clean" with my children who were old enough to understand, and commiserated with another woman for the first time when a friend miscarried, that I began to feel like I was finally processing my emotions instead of just shoving them down to wherever you shove feelings you're avoiding.
Following the 12-week rule had been, for me at least, damaging. In fact, I'm not sure it's doing anyone any favors.
If it weren't so typical to keep quiet about a pregnancy until after the risk of losing it has passed, maybe my first miscarriage in particular wouldn't have been such an exquisitely painful introduction to how statistically common pregnancy loss is.
At the time, I literally knew no one who'd had a miscarriage -- none that they'd ever talked about, anyway.
Advertisement
I'm encouraged by the openness I've been seeing on the Internet about pregnancy loss lately. I hope the stigma is disappearing. It's OK that some women prefer to keep their miscarriages private -- but it's a problem when they feel like they have to.
I hope that going forward, more women who lose a pregnancy in the first trimester know they're not alone.
I hope that they already know friends and family members who've been there before, so they don't have to be the first ones to speak up in order to get some support.
So I'm sharing the news of our pregnancy early, not in spite of the risk of miscarriage before 12 weeks, but because of it.
The only times the 12-week rule worked for us were when the pregnancies were healthy ones. For the sake of those pregnancies that weren't, I wish we would've told people sooner.
Advertisement
Jenny Evans is a writer, a perfectionist, a night owl and a Mormon mom of five who makes jokes at her own expense and blogs about her messy life with a houseful of kids at Unremarkable Files.
It's Another Trump-Biden Showdown — And We Need Your Help
The Future Of Democracy Is At Stake
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
The 2024 election is heating up, and women's rights, health care, voting rights, and the very future of democracy are all at stake. Donald Trump will face Joe Biden in the most consequential vote of our time. And HuffPost will be there, covering every twist and turn. America's future hangs in the balance. Would you consider contributing to support our journalism and keep it free for all during this critical season?
HuffPost believes news should be accessible to everyone, regardless of their ability to pay for it. We rely on readers like you to help fund our work. Any contribution you can make — even as little as $2 — goes directly toward supporting the impactful journalism that we will continue to produce this year. Thank you for being part of our story.
It's official: Donald Trump will face Joe Biden this fall in the presidential election. As we face the most consequential presidential election of our time, HuffPost is committed to bringing you up-to-date, accurate news about the 2024 race. While other outlets have retreated behind paywalls, you can trust our news will stay free.
But we can't do it without your help. Reader funding is one of the key ways we support our newsroom. Would you consider making a donation to help fund our news during this critical time? Your contributions are vital to supporting a free press.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you'll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.