Last Saturday night, on our weekly date, my husband pulled into a parking spot and walked around to my side of the car, (as it was on the way to the restaurant). I sat in my seat, not budging. He looked at me through the window about a foot from the door and said, "Whatcha' waiting for? C'mon, let's go."
Of course, I was waiting for him to open said door, but he actually yelled through it -- with exaggerated mime-like hand motions. I pulled the handle and exited with a huff.
"Why can't you be more like Christian Grey?" I whined, in the same way my daughter asks things like, "Why can't you be more like Jessie's mom? She keeps ice cream cones in her house," or "Why can't we live with Julia's family? Her family has stairs."
Yep, after having failed the many "Fifty Shades of Grey" tests I'd administered the last of couple weeks, I finally gave in to the frustrations that started building the moment I opened the "Fifty Shades" series. As if I don't nag enough about remembering trash day or putting dishes in the sink, I had to air this doozy of a grievance?
WHY CAN'T MY HUSBAND BE MORE LIKE CHRISTIAN GREY?
There's no answer to such a ridiculous gripe. I guess my hubby could respond the way I do with my daughter, "Well, if Christian Grey is so great, why don't you go live with him?"
But, somehow I don't think that's the answer, and not just because he's a fictional character, but because I'd totally take him up on it, if Christian wasn't so darn, well, made-up.
Let's be honest here, he's not just a fictional character, he's the man that millions of women across America have been having a torrid affair with, myself included. He's kept us company until all hours of the night. He's been a part of our dreams, our fantasies and ultimately, he's set an unattainably high standard for our poor hubbies. Which is why our men are getting a bit jealous and our fuses are getting a bit short.
Why are so many women cheating with Christian? You may think it's because of what's being called "Mommy Porn," but I have a feeling we see a lot more to the books than nipple clamps and metal balls. In fact, I think many moms liked the books in spite of some of those things. Look, 98 percent of the time we're cleaning spills, carting the kids to sports or dance class, trying to hide vegetables in things that we call "brownies" and harboring some resentment toward our hubbies. Oh, and did I mention many of us have outside jobs, too?
This is our 2 percent, our break, our escape, our acceptable infidelity. While the neglected laundry, dishes and errands pile up, we're falling in love with the perfect man. The kind of man who can't take his eyes off us, wants us to always be happy, warm, well fed and donning the trendiest duds. The kind of man who's supermodel hot and Mark Zuckerberg rich. The kind of man who's utterly obsessed with us.
Whether we would really like this type of overwhelmingly smothering man while we're trying to get the children fed, bathed and tucked into bed, is of little concern -- as he doesn't exist.
So men, forgive us if we want to see a bit more of him in you. I mean, it's a small thing to ask that you look at us the way you once did, open a door or two and maybe read a book about our new lover. He's the one you can thank for the sudden spike in our sex life.
Read Jenny's humor blog: The Suburban Jungle
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
It's Another Trump-Biden Showdown — And We Need Your Help
The Future Of Democracy Is At Stake
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
The 2024 election is heating up, and women's rights, health care, voting rights, and the very future of democracy are all at stake. Donald Trump will face Joe Biden in the most consequential vote of our time. And HuffPost will be there, covering every twist and turn. America's future hangs in the balance. Would you consider contributing to support our journalism and keep it free for all during this critical season?
HuffPost believes news should be accessible to everyone, regardless of their ability to pay for it. We rely on readers like you to help fund our work. Any contribution you can make — even as little as $2 — goes directly toward supporting the impactful journalism that we will continue to produce this year. Thank you for being part of our story.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
It's official: Donald Trump will face Joe Biden this fall in the presidential election. As we face the most consequential presidential election of our time, HuffPost is committed to bringing you up-to-date, accurate news about the 2024 race. While other outlets have retreated behind paywalls, you can trust our news will stay free.
But we can't do it without your help. Reader funding is one of the key ways we support our newsroom. Would you consider making a donation to help fund our news during this critical time? Your contributions are vital to supporting a free press.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our journalism free and accessible to all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you'll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Support HuffPostAlready contributed? Log in to hide these messages.