Todd Akin, Chief of Police

08/22/2012 11:55 am ET | Updated Oct 22, 2012

"No reason to get alarmed. In a legitimate bank robbery, the money will simply choose to remain in the drawer. So while I think you probably need to take a closer look at your own people and figure out who's responsible on the inside, this simply isn't a matter for the police. Give us a call when the money turns up."

* * * * *

"OK, everyone, no need to worry. I'm sure the missing child will turn up. We all know that in a legitimate kidnapping, a child's feet secrete a powerful adhesive that should enable him to stick to virtually any surface, making it impossible to be dragged anywhere. And, you know, even if we assume that maybe that didn't work, the fire he'll be able to shoot from his ears ought to do the trick. So I am extremely confident he will be returning home any moment, and the ransom note is a fake. And, incidentally, if you do find evidence of some of those foot secretions, a little bit of glass cleaner should pick that right up. A little trick I learned. Let me know when he gets home."

* * * * *

"Listen, people, there is no reason to be concerned. In a legitimate murder-suicide, of course the finger will simply fall off the hand before it's able to pull the trigger. It's an innate reaction. And even if that doesn't work, the gun should turn to dust. You've never seen that happen before? Well, it's not often that we see murder-suicides, so I'm not surprised. Obviously there must be some other explanation for the dozens of bodies on the ground in front of us, and to answer your question, yes, that surveillance footage has almost certainly been doctored. We'll do some cursory investigation, obviously, but I don't expect we're going to find much."

* * * * *

"Folks, I've said it before, and I'll say it again: In a legitimate terrorist attack, the Earth will open up, and a giant claw will pluck the perpetrator right off the surface of the planet and launch him into space. And even if that doesn't work, the automatic force field should take care of any problem. And if those two things don't work... well, if those two things don't work, I suppose you're also going to tell me that there's such a thing as gravity. It should be pretty clear to all of us that since no one was plucked off the face of the Earth by a giant claw emerging from within, this must have been merely a misunderstanding. Yes, a misunderstanding that has left half of our community dead, but it's not a police issue. And, no, just like last time this happened, I will not be considering any alternative explanations."

* * * * *

"Friends, citizens, supporters, you're overreacting. And, quite frankly, I don't even think your anger about the way I've handled these last few incidents in our community is real. In a legitimate firing of the chief of police, the sun will explode. Is there still a sun? There seems to be. Thus, by definition, I have not been fired. It's really very simple. In a legitimate firing, something in the galaxy shuts down, and some force of nature takes over and blows up the sun. We all know this. The sun, still being exactly where it is, indicates this is not a real termination of my employment. I expect to return to my office on Monday morning, ready with an explanation for whatever happens next. Have a good weekend, and try not to get pregnant -- not that anyone has any idea how a baby comes to be."

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