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What if There Was a Libertarian Cover Band Called The Ayn Rands?

11/20/2013 12:54 pm ET | Updated Jan 25, 2014

So, I was sitting around worrying about something inconsequential the other day, as I'm wont to do. Suddenly, a crazy thought popped into my head: what if there were a band that covered classic pop songs, but based their versions on the Libertarian point of view, the kind espoused by Ron Paul and his son, Rand? What might such a band be called? Well, the Ayn Rands, of course (other possibilities include, Self, The Shrugging Atlases, and The Objectivists).

The Ayn Rands wouldn't even be a band, at least not in the conventional sense. They would be made up of one man, who might be named Earl Selfman. Earl would perform the covers a cappella, because, after all, he doesn't need a band. He doesn't need anybody.

I imagine that in the Rands' cover versions, the lyrics and title of the original song would change, but the melody would remain the same.

For instance, the Beatles' classic "With a Little Help from My Friends" would become, "With No Help From Anyone, Especially the Government." The first verse and chorus would go like this:

"What would you do if I sang out of tune,
Would you stand up and walk out on me?
Rent me your ears and I'll sing you a song,
And I'll try not to sing out of key,
I get by with no help from anyone, especially the government.
I get high with no help from anyone, especially the government.
I'm going to try with no help from anyone, especially the government."

The Bill Withers staple, "Lean on Me," would sound different than most of us remember it, after The Rands' rewrite.

"Get off me,
When you're not strong,
It's not my thing,
It's not my problem."

The Ayn Rands could also cover Sister Sledge ("We are individuals, first and foremost, I got me and myself and me,") Woody Guthrie ("This land is my land, this land is my land,") and Crosby, Stills and Nash ("My house is a very, very, very fine house").

I don't know about you, but I think this idea has legs. I imagine The Rands touring the United States, and when I reach Earl Selfman by phone and ask him how the tour is going, he says this: "Oh, it's been fantastic. One night, I fell off the stage, and no one helped me up. It was perfect."

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