A rolling stone gathers no moss -- except, of course, for Mick Jagger and Keith Richards, who are looking a little green around the gills these days. But a standing house gathers moss -- and it takes a lot of green to get it off.
That's why I recently shelled out $300 for a power washer.
I was prompted to make the purchase when a guy who does power washing on the side (as well as, presumably, in the front and back) offered to do the house for $400.
My wife, Sue, who is always thinking (of stuff for me to do), said we could save money if we bought a power washer and did the house ourselves. Or, more specifically, myself.
After God made Sue, He broke the mold. Now it was up to me to get rid of the mold with a new power washer.
I went to a large home-improvement store and spoke with a very nice, knowledgeable and helpful sales associate named Frank, who knew that when it came to power washing, I was wet behind the ears.
"The proper attire for power washing is a bathing suit and goggles, but if you want an undersea effect, you can use a snorkel," Frank said after I chose a machine approximately the size of a Subaru, which was no coincidence because it has a Subaru engine.
Before I loaded the power washer into my car, which is not a Subaru, I got quite an education from Frank, a college business professor who has worked in landscaping and construction.
"I wear many hats, but not when I power-wash my house," said Frank, who added: "You're the first guy I have ever met who admitted that he doesn't know what he's doing."
According to Frank, guys think they know everything about home improvement, even when they don't, which is most of the time. But even if they're handy, they'll always defer to their wives.
"I'm pretty handy," Frank said. "But my wife doesn't trust me. We were redoing our home and we had to get his and hers shopping carts. When we got to the register, she kept everything in her cart and I had to empty mine. Guess who did the work. Me! And with the stuff she bought."
The house came out nice, said Frank, who predicted that mine would, too, because my power washer would get off all the moss, mold and mildew and that, thanks to Sue, I would save money.
"The wives are always right," Frank noted.
I wasn't so sure when I got the power washer home and it wouldn't start. When I brought it back to the store, Frank started it on the first try.
"You have to pull the cord like you're mad at it," Frank said. "Swearing helps, too."
"I already tried that," I replied.
"And make sure the choke is in the right position," he advised.
"I'd like to choke the stupid thing," I said.
"Don't get that mad at it," Frank warned.
When I got the power washer back home, I swore at it and pulled the cord hard. It started on the first try.
Clad in a bathing suit and goggles, I posed as Sue took a photo, which will no doubt end up on a "wanted" poster. Holding the trigger handle and spray wand, I looked like either an action hero or a space alien.
When I pulled the trigger, a powerful stream of soap and water shot out. It splashed off the vinyl siding and soaked me.
"Are you having fun?" Sue asked above the din of the power washer.
"It's like my own personal water park!" I said giddily.
Best of all, the green on the side of the house started to melt away.
There's still more to do, but the place is looking much better. And, for what it's worth, I'm the cleanest guy in the neighborhood.
Stamford Advocate columnist Jerry Zezima is the author of "Leave It to Boomer." Visit his blog at www.jerryzezima.blogspot.com. Email: JerryZ111@optonline.net.
Copyright 2011 by Jerry Zezima
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
It's Another Trump-Biden Showdown — And We Need Your Help
The Future Of Democracy Is At Stake
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
The 2024 election is heating up, and women's rights, health care, voting rights, and the very future of democracy are all at stake. Donald Trump will face Joe Biden in the most consequential vote of our time. And HuffPost will be there, covering every twist and turn. America's future hangs in the balance. Would you consider contributing to support our journalism and keep it free for all during this critical season?
HuffPost believes news should be accessible to everyone, regardless of their ability to pay for it. We rely on readers like you to help fund our work. Any contribution you can make — even as little as $2 — goes directly toward supporting the impactful journalism that we will continue to produce this year. Thank you for being part of our story.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
It's official: Donald Trump will face Joe Biden this fall in the presidential election. As we face the most consequential presidential election of our time, HuffPost is committed to bringing you up-to-date, accurate news about the 2024 race. While other outlets have retreated behind paywalls, you can trust our news will stay free.
But we can't do it without your help. Reader funding is one of the key ways we support our newsroom. Would you consider making a donation to help fund our news during this critical time? Your contributions are vital to supporting a free press.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our journalism free and accessible to all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you'll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Support HuffPostAlready contributed? Log in to hide these messages.