Time now for another exciting episode of Stupid Crook Tricks, the hard-hitting series that presents actual cases of bumbling incompetence by some of the most inept criminal masterminds in America.
All of these stories are true. The names have been eliminated to protect the dumb, de-dumb-dumb, dumb, de-dumb-dumb-duuuumb.
I am especially proud of the current crop of crooks because they are essentially hometown boys gone bad.
I realized there might be a local connection when I read a recent story in the Stamford Advocate about a couple of idiots who called a bank in Fairfield, Conn., to say that they were coming to rob the place.
Noelle Frampton of the Connecticut Post reported that the dimwitted duo asked for a bag containing $100,000 in large bills. Naturally, bank officials alerted the cops, who were waiting for the pathetic pair and arrested them when they showed up to collect the loot.
"I would classify these individuals as not too bright," said Sgt. James Perez, Fairfield police spokesman. "They should have spent time in school instead of trying to rob a bank."
This got me wondering whether stupid crooks have ever struck my hometown of Stamford, Conn. To find out, I called two sources in the Stamford Police Department whose identities I cannot reveal except to say that they are Assistant Chief Jon Fontneau, a former neighbor of mine, and Capt. Richard Conklin, both of whom have been on the force for nearly 30 years and have pretty much seen it all.
Fontneau, who was commander of the narcotics and organized crime unit before being promoted to assistant chief earlier this year, recalled one young man who not only had a long rap sheet for dealing dope but was, of course, a dope himself.
"We were on Stillwater Avenue looking for guys with warrants," Fontneau said:
Even though we were in an unmarked car, the vehicle was like a heat-seeking missile because it was well known to just about everybody who's a bad guy. Not only that, but we were wearing jackets that said 'POLICE' in large letters on the sleeves and on the front and back. This kid waved us down, jumped in the backseat and asked if we wanted to buy drugs. Then he said, 'Hey, you guys look like cops!' Maybe it was the police raid jackets that tipped him off.
Stamford Advocate columnist Jerry Zezima is the author of "Leave It to Boomer." More info at www.jerryzezima.blogspot.com. E-mail: JerryZ111@optonline.net.
Copyright 2010 by Jerry Zezima
Follow Jerry Zezima on Twitter: www.twitter.com/JerryZ111