I had always thought that my garage was the stuff of legend because it's stuffed with stuff, most of which isn't my stuff but my daughters' stuff. It has been accumulating since they left the nest, which supposedly is empty because they don't live at home anymore but really isn't because a lot of their stuff is still here.
Then I talked with my college buddy and longtime friend Tim Lovelette, who not only has a garage full of his kids' stuff but a basement full of it, too, which makes both places the stuff of legend.
"If our kids' stuff had any value, they wouldn't trust us with it. They'd be using it," Tim told me. "Why have we got it? Because they don't want it. This is nefarious, no question about it. Somehow, a whole generation has gotten together and conspired to fill our homes with worthless stuff."
Tim has more stuff than I do because he and his wife, Jane, have three kids, Marshall, 32, Amy, 30, and Brendan, 28, while my wife, Sue, and I have two, Katie, 31, and Lauren, 28. They're all great kids, even though they aren't, technically, kids anymore. Still, when you get to be my age (old enough to know better), practically everyone else is a kid. So here's looking at you, kids. And all your stuff.
"I think somebody's got a key to the house and brings stuff in," Tim theorized. "I change the locks and it still goes on."
This means the reverse robber is leaving stuff not only in Tim's garage but in his basement, a problem I don't have because I don't have a basement.
"You're not qualified to have adult children if you don't have a basement," Tim said. "Where are they going to put their stuff?"
"In the garage," I replied.
"You wouldn't appreciate anything until you've seen my garage," Tim said. "How many bicycles can you accumulate in a lifetime? I don't even like bicycles."
Another thing Tim has in his garage is the snow blower he bought for Marshall.
"I bought it for him for Christmas three or four years ago," Tim recalled, adding that Marshall's wife, Sara, said she would buy Marshall a shed for his birthday so he could put the snow blower in it. "But she never bought the shed," Tim said. "Now I have two snow blowers in my garage. Sara and Marshall have a basement, but there can't be anything in it, including the snow blower. I don't think it's ever been started, but it's there, ready to go, in my garage."
Then there are all those skis and ice skates.
"How many pairs of skis can you accumulate?" Tim wondered. "Just go to my garage and count them and figure it out. And I have all their ice skates. My kids haven't ice-skated in 15 years. If they had to use this stuff, which is all out of date, they'd go out and buy new ones and leave the old ones in my house."
"What about the basement?" I asked.
"You wouldn't believe it," Tim replied. "It's filled with He-Man toys. You wouldn't know about them because you have girls, but these toys go back 20 or 30 years. This whole thing must go back to prehistoric times. I can envision caves, with Neanderthal-type people, caves filled with stuff, and the kids are saying, 'No, you can't throw away my bones.' It's been going on for centuries."
"What can we do about it?" I said.
"Pack up their stuff in a moving van and have it delivered to them," Tim answered. "Or have a yard sale. If you have ever gone to a yard sale, you'd see that there's always a free table. All the stuff you have that belongs to your kids should go on the free table. Just tell them, 'I'm giving your stuff away.' What can they do? They can't hit us."
"Then we'd have the last laugh," I said.
"Not really," said Tim. "There's a final resolution to all of this: When we die, our kids will have a houseful of stuff -- not just their stuff but our stuff. They'll say, 'What are we going to do with Dad's stuff?' Answer: They'll have a yard sale. Our stuff will go on the free table."
Stamford Advocate columnist Jerry Zezima is the author of "Leave It to Boomer." Visit his blog at www.jerryzezima.blogspot.com. Email: JerryZ111@optonline.net.
Copyright 2011 by Jerry Zezima
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
It's Another Trump-Biden Showdown — And We Need Your Help
The Future Of Democracy Is At Stake
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
The 2024 election is heating up, and women's rights, health care, voting rights, and the very future of democracy are all at stake. Donald Trump will face Joe Biden in the most consequential vote of our time. And HuffPost will be there, covering every twist and turn. America's future hangs in the balance. Would you consider contributing to support our journalism and keep it free for all during this critical season?
HuffPost believes news should be accessible to everyone, regardless of their ability to pay for it. We rely on readers like you to help fund our work. Any contribution you can make — even as little as $2 — goes directly toward supporting the impactful journalism that we will continue to produce this year. Thank you for being part of our story.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
It's official: Donald Trump will face Joe Biden this fall in the presidential election. As we face the most consequential presidential election of our time, HuffPost is committed to bringing you up-to-date, accurate news about the 2024 race. While other outlets have retreated behind paywalls, you can trust our news will stay free.
But we can't do it without your help. Reader funding is one of the key ways we support our newsroom. Would you consider making a donation to help fund our news during this critical time? Your contributions are vital to supporting a free press.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our journalism free and accessible to all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you'll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Support HuffPostAlready contributed? Log in to hide these messages.