"Afraid to tell your girlfriend her ass looks fat?"
"Need to let your neighbors know you're a registered sex offender?"
Questions like these haunt many of us --- but they obsess Amanda McCall and Ben Schwartz.
After long reflection, they came up with a way to deliver harsh messages to loved ones, friends and neighbors with chilly efficiency and Oprah-esque humanity: "Why not let a lovable baby bunny in a basket do it for you?"
And now we have Grandma's Dead: Breaking Bad News with Baby Animals --- an 88-page "book" of post cards, each featuring one or more adorable four-legged friends and a few simple, honest-to-a-fault words of text.
These one-liners include:
"I'm banging your wife," announces a bandana-wearing piglet.
"You don't matter," declares the kitten on the piano keys.
"Daddy's never coming home," purr two tabbies in a mailbox.
"Your baby's ugly," thinks a kitten, as she plays with a ball of yarn.
"Mommy blew your college fund on coke," barks a snow-white puppy.
"I used to be a man," confesses a rabbit.
"Sometimes I pay for sex," mutters a mutt in a tin tub.
"Dreams don't come true," two kittens reveal.
"You're bad in bed," a Basset hound blabs.
"Your band sucks," the Sharpeiis say.
"The condom broke," confides an Easter bunny.
And of course there's "You're adopted", "You're fired", "You're the father", "I married you for your money", "We have to amputate", "I'm leaving you for the nanny", "I'm into weird shit" and --- my nominee for Most Sick --- "It's malignant."
The postcards detach easily, and there's plenty of blank space on the other side of the photos-and-messages for you to craft some tender words of your own. McCall and Schwartz provide no guidance here, but I suspect they'd want you only to send the most life-affirming thoughts.
If, that is, you send any cards at all. For us, Grandma's Dead has pride of place on the coffee table --- although I've been thinking, after a week of Little House on the Prairie as bedtime reading, our kid deserves at least a few pages of Grandma's Dead.
[Cross-posted from HeadButler.com]
Follow Jesse Kornbluth on Twitter: www.twitter.com/HeadButler