03/18/2010 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Five Things That Annoy Me About Your Blog

Five things that annoy me about your blog:

1. You started it just to get a book deal.

Think of how flummoxed you would be if we went ice skating in the park one winter and I told you that I was only shuffling around the rink with you in preparation of the next Olympic winter games. Does that make sense? My point is that I should be ice skating for one of three reasons: a)I like to ice skate, b) it is something am predisposed to do and can't imagine not doing or c) you guilted me into going in exchange for some sort of favor. LOLcatz has already been made into a book and it's likely that your bad idea makes it look like Animal Farm. Furthermore, if you really want a book deal may I suggest writing an actual book?

2. You stole it.

Give the freaking news organization whose ideas you stole and rephrased -- as though you are some intrepid reporter that magically got the inside scoop on the Karzai government while you were in your Uggs watching Hulu -- some credit. On that same note, though news organizations may have (severe) flaws don't act like what you do is journalism unless you actually report something.

3. You were drunk when you wrote it.

Being an alcoholic/drug addict doesn't make your blog more interesting. Maybe your book if you were to write one. Not your blog though.

4. "We" were drunk when "we" wrote it.

Please stop referring to yourself as "we" in your blog (as in,"we have some great news to share about Puddles our office cat today") as though you have an entire staff of writers and editors working for you and are not in fact alone in your bedroom with a box of Triscuits updating your Wordpress page. It is disingenuous and sounds stupid. It's okay to be going at it alone. It's certainly better than coming off like some sort of B-list member of the British royal family. You know who you are.

5. Lists.

We think you should cease writing lists at once. They are a cheap approximation of actual ideas. You may also want to refrain from giving unsolicited advice as it is rarely taken to heart and often just serves to annoy people. I'm going to go have a Schlitz now.