Send RuPaul to the Middle East

03/09/2015 05:08 pm ET | Updated May 04, 2015

Forget Bibi Netanyahu, the return of RuPaul's Drag Race has reminded me why for years I've thought the best shot the world has at peace in the Middle East is to send RuPaul over to rule as empress. With an elusive Iranian nuclear deal on the horizon, the never-ending war between the Israelis and Palestinians, and ISIS beheading innocents at whim, it only seems logical that the glamazon herself should swoop in and utilize her three best traits to bring some order to the chaos.

Centuries of hatred, turmoil, and revenge have laid the ground work for the ultimate human impasse. The entire conflict in the Middle East rests on the shoulders of a fight for who has the best claim to a small dot of land roughly the same size as New Jersey. If emperors, shahs, presidents, and prime ministers have not been able to sort through the ancient question of to what belongs to whom; doesn't it only make sense to pass the question on to someone skilled in judging people for their game?
When Biblical King Solomon was presented with the dilemma of two women standing before him both claiming to be mother to a child, Solomon out-witted them both. Presented with the choice of divvying the baby up, the king demonstrated his adept skills for cutting through the crap and deciding who was real. My suggestion is we let RuPaul herd the warring parties together to lip-synch for their lives before he makes a decision who shantays to their promise land and who sashay's the frick away already. Case closed! Can't you see gal-pal Michelle Visage along for the ride reading Hezbolah for filth?

Iran was once the center of one of the most powerful empires on the planet. However, a penchant for supporting terrorism and a quest for the bomb brought crippling economic sanctions on their heads. In an effort to rejoin the league of nations, Tehran has been furiously negotiating with the United States for what seems like years on a deal that will lift said sanctions. However, several sticking points seem to remain, no matter how many trips around the world Secretary of State John Kerry takes to meet his Iranian counter-part half-way. In this case, there really is only one person who has proven she can deliver tough-love over tic-tac dinners and conversations in her office about loving oneself. My suggestion is we allow RuPaul to pick Ayatolla Khamenei and the mullahs up for a ride in his car for a little chat, as he does in his web-series. Something tells me that a few rounds of "the library is open" and "what other people think of me is none of my business" later, Iran will be exporting rainbows and unicorns instead of rocket launchers and jihadists.

Finally, there is probably no greater threat to this region of the world at the moment than the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant, aka ISIS. Whether they are pushing gays off buildings to their deaths, or selling women into sexual slavery, the men of ISIS seem hell-bent on destroying everything in their path to make up for the fact that they were born with such tiny members they appear to be permanently tucked. Since they get such a kick out of smashing statues, I'm betting we'd need to break out the popcorn for the epic face-off that will ensue when they come face to face with their new statuesque ruler. Gentleman, start your engines; this is one piece of she-mail they will never forget, as RuPaul sissies her walk all over the Iraq-Syria border putting members of the thuggish group up for elimination.

If we want the world to be a place where people of all kinds have the opportunity to grow and flourish, the eternal conflict in the Middle East must finally come to a close. My suggestion is let religion, borders and Arab Springs be damned. This region needs someone to dispense discernment in the way that only one ultimate ruler can. Send RuPaul over to run that place already! Let's not "F" it up any longer by letting another couple of thousand years of war go by. Can I get an amen?