Because Pain Makes You Self-Centered, a Doctor Wants a Kidney Back and a Feuding Ex-Wife Sabatoges A Teddy Bear

Because pain makes you self-centered, we have divorce stories where a man wants his kidney back from his ex-wife and an ex-wife spikes her daughter's teddy bear with a listening device to spy on her ex-husband.

Yes folks this is the reality of what happens in divorce -- but not often to this extreme. While the media is delighting in these morally depraved morsels of family splits and fits, and many divorced parents can privately say, "Well, I wasn't that bad," -- these stories do serve the purpose of being a cautionary tale.

Having counseled divorcing couples, and as a writer for firstwivesworld.com, I try to remind people that the injustice of a divorce is that you are required to muster the strength to be a mature adult at a time when your impulses regress to wanting to be childlike and vindictive.

It is why counselors -- the good ones -- make feuding parents put a picture of their children on the table so they can see what is at stake during the negotiations. It is also why I repeat the mantra to one and all that you have to love your children more than you hate your spouse.

As my friend Dr. Mark Banschick, the creator of the Intelligent Divorce course says, betrayal can blind you and turn normally nice people into thoughtless monsters. The regression causes what he calls, "stress induced personality syndrome." "If people are suspicious, they become paranoid, if they are helpless they become dependent, if they are rigid they turn into control freaks and if they are careful with money they become miserly," he observes.

For anyone going through a divorce, there has to be a blinking light that switches on in your head reminding you that you will not make the best decision because of the stresses you're under and to proceed with caution.

Otherwise, you have these two stories.

In New York, Dr. Richard Batista, gave one of his kidneys to his ailing wife Dawnell while they were married. Now getting divorced -- over her alleged affair with her physical therapist -- the Long Island surgeon wants it back or more precisely is demanding $1.5 million in compensation for what the organ is worth.

"I saved her life and then, to be betrayed like this, is unfathomable. It's incomprehensible," said Dr. Batista, who also claims that his wife made it increasingly difficult for him to see their three children since filing for divorce in 2005.

"I feel humbled and betrayed and disregarded," he said to the New York Post.

Interesting that he used the phrase disregarded since he clearly disregarded how his children will view his actions when they reflect on their parents divorce. With his logic, as I told the Post, he may want to ask for his sperm back from his children, the ones he wants to see more. But his frustration is understandable and has morphed into something unrecognizable.

Over in Omaha, Nebraska, William Lewton has sued his ex-wife Diane Divingnzzo after he discovered an audio recorder planted inside the teddy bear of his 4 year-old. The judge presiding over the divorce case refused -- thankfully -- to hear the recordings since they were obtained illegally. Now Lewton, and several people recorded by the bear want the ex-wife to pay for the invasion of their privacy.

"I just can't imagine the thought of someone taking that little bear's head off and implanting a device," Lewton told reporter Todd Cooper. "It's . . . incomprehensible."

Indeed. Lewton gave his daughter the teddy bear that "she carried everywhere" and now must check all her belongings after she's with her mother. He has been fighting his ex-wife for more access to his child. Because of Divingnzzo's actions, which rightfully backfired, he now has joint custody.

Turns out that Lewton also said that his ex-wife had resorted to other antics including hiring private detectives and planting a GPS device on two of his vehicles.

The case continues to have bizarre twists and turns. Divingnzzo now has filed a request to take her daughter out of state since she has a new job - a request that is unlikely to be granted under new laws designed to keep both parents in a child's life.

What both these cases have done is show how misguided impulses can be. Both parents -- the wife in one case, the husband in another -- may think they are acting out of love for their children but it really is out of hate for their spouses.

Yes divorce is a bumpy road while you are riding towards your happily ever after again. It is also a process with green and red lights and even yellow ones that shriek, proceed with caution. In time, the process usually works -- it really does -- but damage can be done t hat is permanent. Patience is required and it is why Ben Franklin said it's a virtue. Because it sucks needing it and living through it .

However, parents need to put on their emotional seatbelts to prevent their anger and hurt over perceived injustices to crash and burn their families as these two cases clearly have done.

Comments

[JohnBisceglia]

[justified anger warning] - You heterosexuals are so spoiled. Imagine all of your "divorce horror stories" WITHOUT the legal protections of Civil Marriage. I mean, seriouisly. Are you listening to yourselves? We (Q's) ARE raising children, so add our children to the mix and now imagine REAL VICTIMS. Just some perspective when you hear about the growing RAGE from Q's everywhere.

Death, Disease, Divorce, and Destruction are ALL difficult enough in every way; why must our families suffer all of these and more EXCLUDED from U.S. Law. And you wonder why I advocate tax revolt.

[Jilly Gagnon - Huffpost Blogger]

I don't think anyone wondered why you advocate tax revolt.

I think it's worth bearing in mind that "REAL VICTIMS" can occur on both sides of the sexuality spectrum, though you're absolutely right, that victimization would be unimaginably more difficult with no legal protection at all.

[ArthurTwoShedsJackson]

I don't think a discussion on this topic is complete without considering the move from acting with pettiness to acting with murdrous intentions, as the man dressed as Santa did in a planned mass slaying and inferno in CA.

[h0tr0d]

You conveniently left out the Doctor that was trying to gain compensation for his donated kidney in fact is on record as saying he didn't expect to win his case....he was ONLY trying to bring attention to the fact that his wife is refusing to abide by the divorce agreement and allow him to spend time with his children. It would have been better to include the wife in this discussion than the husband.....sexist !

[Keolweol]

Unfortunately, the marriage contract only works if both parties are sane and rationale. Since the standard divorce settlement assumes that both parties have acted in good faith and have contributed equally to the marriage. The person who has contributed the most, or remained faithful to the marriage is always exploited in an equal settlement.

Ms. Brooke implies that "it is best for the children" when both parents present a unified front. Again, this only works with two sane and rationale parents. In my opinion, if a parent does not defend a child when they are abused by the other parent, he is compliant with the abuse.

I am in the process of divorcing after 13 years of being battered, abused, and humiliated by my wife. I stayed in the marriage to protect my children. I have been dismissed by the courts, the police, child protective services, and the domestic violence organizations. Mmy wife has been permitted to loot our house for anything of value and will get half of my savings, half my retirement and half the housing bubble value of our house. I could settle toay, but I want to go to court in the slim hope that a judge will make some financial adjustments for the abuse that I and my children have suffered. Does this make me "self centered" and "vindictive"?

[BlueZoo]

Thank heaven for some sanity in here! I don't care whether two people divorcing kill each other but, when children are involved, all the dynamics change drastically. Considering the children and their feelings is paramount. I am a child of divorce and was a divorcee, a very typical outcome of divorce on children! After my divorce, our son asked me why I never said anything bad about his Dad. I told him I loved him so much that I could never say anything bad about the man who helped me give him birth. (I said this despite the fact I'd been thrown down a 22-step flight of stairs, had been cheated on inumberable times and had been humiliated countless times.) His Dad died five years ago and that boy is now 41, loved his Dad and still loves me. What happened between me and his Dad was always secondary to his well-being and this is the gift from that sacrifice.

[MaybeItsJustMe]

There is nothing worse than a spouse or a significant other saying to you either with words or actions:

"I don't love you anymore" or even worse "I've never loved you"

Then, after they have said that, they want half or more of your stuff, they want to take away the kids, and basically turn your world upside down. Hmmm, that could make a person act like a "thoughtless monster". Especially those who already have poor impulse control. What a nightmare. Poor kids, and other family members and friends caught up in the maelstrom. Before you can file for divorce you should have to prove that you and your spouse have signed up for post-marriage counseling. Counseling not for the purpose of saving the marriage, but for saving society from these "thoughtless monsters" and ugly divorces and custody battles that keep the courts way too bogged down, just to mention one negative aspect.

[LeftRight]

I'm so very thankful to my own parents in their divorce! They sat us down and asked who we would like to go with; they abided by our decision, even though the judge might have had different decisions; they NEVER tried to restrict my access to the other; and I never heard a bad word about the other from EITHER parent!

I take that last one back a little bit. Once I was already an adult I finally got around to asking my father what happened. He still didn't bad-mouth her, but he DID explain what his feelings were during the time.

I'm now a step-father to three wonderful children. I do my best to be like my own parents and step-parents were, and I think that I succeed most of the time. I'm rather angry about my wife's ex, but I'm VERY careful to NEVER let a word of that out around the kids!!

[omo]

This does not just apply to divorce. My husband was in a man-boy 'love' relationship as a teenager. Naturally, the man betrayed him to protect himself. This article has helped me to understand how that betrayal has resonated down through the years . . .