Do Men Become Better or Worse Fathers After Divorce?

If divorce is in the future of duplicitous two-timers Gov. Mark Sanford to reality TV's Jon Gosselin, these men will have to navigate co-parenting. However, a growing trend shows that many men become better parents post-divorce, to the surprise of ex-wives who find it difficult to grasp that a man who wasn't a good husband can indeed be a good father.

Take the example of Peter Giles.

When Peter Giles' three daughters were toddlers, work consumed him at the expense of family life. The New York businessman would justify the absences as doing the right thing for his family since he was providing the financial womb while his wife was taking care of their other needs.

What finally made him a better father? Getting a divorce.

"The divorce was such a shock and forced me to take stock of who I was and what success should look like," said Giles, whose ex-wife Nancy Claus sought a divorce in 2001. "I came to realize that I had been providing for my children but needed to be more to them. "

Like the majority of divorcing men today, Giles sought joint legal custody, which courts are more willing to grant since a federal study shows that men paid child support 90 percent of the time in comparison to less than 45 percent when the mother had sole custody.

When his daughters visited, Giles morphed into a multi-tasker taking on chores previously done by his wife including cooking, buying cosmetics and remembering to buy eggs and bacon at the market.

"I wish he would have been as involved and helpful when we were married," said Claus. "But he has definitely become a much better Dad after our divorce."

He is not alone.

"When a father is away from the stress of a failed marriage, he can be more relaxed and more reflective and as a result enjoy being more fully involved with his children," said Don Gordon, professor emeritus of psychology at Ohio University and the director of the Center for Divorce Education.

David Gestl, the divorced father of four in Stewartstown, Pennsylvania, agrees, adding how it's a relief not to argue about parenting styles which allows the father to develop his own.

"In my marriage, I was always walking on eggshells and getting criticized," he said. "Recently after I made dinner, my son shook his chocolate milk and it went flying everywhere. I could say, just relax it's nothing a paper towel won't pick up. It's okay to make a mistake and fix it. "

One benefit to divorce is that with scheduled rationed time, each parent doesn't take it for granted and can have more single minded focus with their kids.

CNBC anchor Dennis Kneale says divorce has made him "vastly closer " to his 9-year-old daughter Jing-Jing. "In many families, mom is the center of everything and the husband is the supporting player," he observed. "But with divorce, I have had more one on one time with her in ways I never did before."

In a study on non-residential fathers, researcher Paul Amato from Pennsylvania State University found that the percentage of non-residential fathers being involved with their children more than tripled from 8 percent in the 1970's to 26 percent in 2000's.

A recent study by Kathleen Gerson, professor of sociology at New York University and author of " The Unfinished Revolution:How a New Generation is Reshaping Family, Work,
and Gender in America" found the number to be 27 percent.

"Large numbers of contemporary fathers are doing their best to fulfill their responsibilities as parents despite the limitations of not residing with their children," said Amato. "It's time to recognize, value and support the commitment of these men to their children."

Experts say that the rise of more involved fathers post-divorce is based on several factors that collectively aligned like shooting stars and is preventing what one organization calls, "a parentdectomy."

A kid-focus culture for starters has helped cement ties.

Dr. Warren Farrell points out that pop culture's parenting focus expanded the definition of a man's identity. In one study tracking data from 1965-1998, married men had doubled their direct child care involvement. "More men put in the effort early which created deeper attachments that fathers didn't want to lose," said Farrell, who is also the author of "Father and Child Reunion." Hence, more requests for joint custody.

Technology has also helped prevent or reduce what is called parental alienation where in the past the residential parent may - consciously or unconsciously - block contact either out of her resentment towards the father or because she has remarried and is protecting the stepfather relationship. A study by J. Annette Vanini and Edward Nichols found that 77 percent of noncustodial fathers faced some form of visitation interference.

But now fathers can give their kids pre-paid cell phones to insure contact. Divorce contracts are also often written to permit contact through email accounts.

Ted Rubin, a Huntington Long Island divorced dad to two girls, admits to using Facebook to keep in contact with his kids. "Sometimes when we speak on the phone I can tell if Mom is standing there and then later my daughter will contact me on Facebook," he said. "A lot of Dads complain that moms could stand in the way of communication but now it's almost impossible because kids are so tech savvy."

In fact, Rubin, who has a contentious divorce with his ex-wife, says that email helps divorced parents diminish "the nastiness is our dialogues" which the kids would overhear on the phone. Now he can email what time he's picking up the kids and delivering them without any verbal warfare.

Another big boost for continued contact has been videoconferencing. In 2002, Utah resident Michael Gough worried that his ex-wife's relocation to Wisconsin would wipe out his parental involvement. Considering that less than 10 percent of divorces go to trial, he fought to have the right to videoconference with his daughter. Utah was the first state to pass legislation for virtual visitation in 2004.

"It costs me thousands of extra dollars to go to court but as a result there is now a statute for videoconferencing that other judges and attorneys can refer to and follow," said Gough, who now runs a website called internetvisitation.org. Because of his efforts, Wisconsin, Florida and Texas all passed similar legislation and North Carolina did this month.

"With videoconferencing, I was able to read bedtime stories, help her with her homework and even watch her open up a present," said Gough, with genuine sentimentality.

Schools are also helping divorced parents co-parent on neutral ground. While some wives would raise their eyebrows like thunderbolts when an ex-husband would arrive at the sports field, schools are not playing favorites.

"My ex-wife interpreted the divorce agreement that if I arrived at my son's soccer game that it should only be when I had him for an overnight," said Eric Ryerson, a nurse in Eugene, Oregon and father to an 11-year-old son. "But I want to see him more than my custody arrangement and by coming to sports events and volunteering at school, I can see him more."

Ryerson went to the school and volunteered to be a chaperone for class trips, signed his name to contact forms and also spoke to coaches to provide information on his son's soccer and baseball games.

"I asserted myself to be present and got rewarded for it," said Ryerson. "I also got to meet his classmates and interacted with them." Ryerson recalls fondly how in second grade he was nicknamed Mr. Pushy because he eagerly pushed his son's friends on the swings. "My son told me he liked it when I came to school."

In fact, research shows that the kids do like it when both parents are present.

"They have fewer behavior and emotional problems, higher self-esteem and better school performance than children in sole custody arrangements," said Glenn Sacks, the National Executive Director of Fathers & Families. "When researchers have examined children of divorce, and studied and queried adult children of divorce, they've found that most prefer joint custody and shared parenting."

For example, in one Arizona State University study of college students who experienced their parents' divorces while they were children, over two-thirds believe that living equal times with each parent is the best arrangement. A Harvard University study also confirmed that children in joint custody settings fared much better than kids living in sole custody households.

While many men acknowledge progress, some still complain that the system treats fathers as second-class citizens when asking for more time with their children.

As Gary Nicholson, the president of the American Association of Marital Attorneys, explains, part of the problem is that various state laws tie child support payments to the amount of time a father is with their child. Payments can be adjusted if the father spends as much as 100 nights with his child so many mothers resist giving 50-50 splits and are angered by the request.

Said Nicholson, "Are there folks who look at this economically and think if I have equal time I won't have to pay as much child support? Yes. But the majority of dads want to be involved in their kid's lives. They feel they should be equal partners."

As the nation sees more divorced families, more parents have learned that even though the marriage is over, they are forever linked as co-parents. Cultural cues also encourage that they should love their children more than they hate their spouse. Over time, many hard feelings thaw and enhanced appreciation can ensue.

Deb Rabino, a New York based make-up artist, learned to admire her ex-husband's parenting of their two sons so much that when he lost his job in the financial industry, she voluntarily reduced his alimony and child support payments.

"He definitely became a better father after our divorce," she said. "He honored his support of us and now it was our turn to help him out."

The increased connection between children and fathers also results in other sacrifices as well. Michael Gough says videoconferencing helped get him more involved with his daughter. "My participation reminded me I have a daughter who needed me otherwise it could have been out of sight, out of mind." Because his wife later relocated to Austin, Texas, Gough now found a new job to be near his daughter.

"Videoconferencing really helped us stay closer," said Gough. "But it still can't replace seeing my daughter and getting a hug."

Like many men, he is getting remarried and may start a new family.

As Stephanie Coontz, the Director of Research and Public Education at the Council on Contemporary Families, observes, men have for more than 150 years tended to think of the responsibility of kids as a package deal. When the relationship split up, they'd walk away and start new families. "But we're seeing a growing number of men separting from their wives but not their children," she said.

Do you have any doubt that recent divorced dads including Dylan McDermott, Robin Williams, Russell Simmons or Guy Ritchie won't enjoy time with their kids? All have said how much it means to them.

Still, it can be very painful for ex-wives to see that their families are living lives without them - especially when spouses repartner. However, in time, this divorce therapist has seen many women realize that a break from 24/7 parenting can benefit everyone. And love is far more elastic and flexible than we think.

(This story will also be discussed on CBS' "Early Show")

Comments

[RaisingaFather]

Thanks for the inspiring article. I linked to it and focused my blog this week on your article, thanks to Brent Green for forwarding it to me.
http://raisingafather.blogspot.com/

-Arjun Sen

[LovesMyWay]

In my case, my ex-husband most definitely, without a shadow of a doubt, DID NOT become a better father after our divorce. In fact, he was detached, narcissistic and largely a hypocrite. After our divorce, he was driven by one thing and that had nothing to do with our son. He totally abandoned my daughter after raising her for 11 years which left her devastated. ( She still has issues today over this.) Because he didn't adopt her in order not to get her birth father involved, he felt absolutely no obligation to provide any type of child support which left me in a financial crisis. During the divorce, he took a low paying job after making $100K/year so he wouldn't have to pay more child support for our son.

I do not believe my case is atypical, but typical. There is much more that he did, but the point is clear - HE MOST DEFINITELY DIDN'T BECOME A BETTER FATHER.

[Malkin71]

Two questions:

Why did you marry him?

If there is a legit answer to the first question....a follow up.....what did you do to him?

A guy quits a good job to make way less money...must feel very wronged to be that spiteful?

Maybe, he's just a _____, but I wonder if EVERYONE shouldn't take longer looks in the mirror...

[clearthinker2008]

Ahh... in defense of a man you didn't know, it's always the womens fault...blah, blah...

Whatever.

[QuiteHonestly]

Hmmm...really? How about the question, "Do women become better mothers before or after they enter a homeless shelter?" I'm sure they're much more focused on their children, but does that mean we should endeavor to put women in homeless shelters?

How about, "Do people value their lives more before or after a close call with death?" Why would we ask a ridiculous question and then use opinions, yes opinions and not facts to prove the point. I've got a great one..."Do African Americans care more about their heritage when we take it away?" These are the goofiest questions to perpetuate the feeling that it is OK for women to divorce and live on their "own" and take care of themselves without him (but of course with his children and his money).

[clearthinker2008]

Oh the guy to just walk out on his family and expect to pay no money or attention to his children, that works both ways Quite honestly.

[DivorcedDadsNetherlands]

The question issued perverts the integrity of fathers, besides, divorce is never normal and breaks natural bonds, fatherhood can never be full anymore and all to often a fake-dad is substituted. It is also deceiving to suggest that one becomes a better father after divorce. In fact divorce IS childabuse and no (semi)acadamic pedo/pseudologic bullshit can change that, divorce shortens familybonds in a cruel unnatural way also without fightcampaigns. Divorce is a violation against human rights (familylife, torture) all to often also discrimination. Poor divorced-aborted-adopted-schoolprisoned children mostly their father and his family!

[Malkin71]

You know what, my parents divorced about 20 years ago. Was it fun? No.

But now, after both remarried, instead of one bad, unhappy family, I have two good families.

Divorce is not ideal, but neither is living a lie.

[DivorcedDadsNetherlands]

The question issued is pervers, besides, divorce is never normal and breaks natural bonds, fathership is not full anymore, it is also deceiving to say that one became a better father after divorce. In fact divorce is childabuse and no (semi)acadamic pedo/pseudolic bullshit can change that, divorce shortens parentships ands familybonds, it is a violation against human rights (familylife, torture) all to often also discrimination. Poor divorced-aborted-adopted-schoolprisoned children mostly their father and his family!

[mruffolo]

With the court's standard four day a month "visitation" schedule, how can a father parent with little time. Is a part-time employee expected to do a good full-time job?

The USA has one of the highest divorce rates in the world of about 180 countries - unilateral (one decides) and no-fault (no reason needed).

Though he is legally innocent, he loses his children, 18 years of income, and half of his stuff. He gets most of the marital debt and an Order of Protection (if he grows disagreeable over the new arrangement).

A man is a fool to marry a US woman in the US.

[Malkin71]

The problem is that anyone who tries to organize for the goal of "Men's right" they are treated like pigs or id.iots.

Masculinism. Is evidently not a word according to the spell check? Is there even a word for the male equivalent for feminism? What a great, accidental way to prove my point.

Does anyone know if there is a word for the male equalivalent of feminism? If so, what?

Men really need a respected organized voice to argue for their issues. Women are dominating in every level of education in this country. They are now dominating the job market (80% of the job losses in the past year have been men). They win almost every divorce.

Men need to fight the legal system over the divorce and child custody issues spoken about here.

[clearthinker2008]

Men's right? rotfmao You own the world. And if you are a white male in American you control everyone elses rights. You want to dump your old wife for a new model or freedom then don't want to help raise or pay for your kids. Give me a break. Poor men, poor, poor white men. Someone is always sticking it to you.

[pernat]

This was a very interesting article...it's a shame that divorce is what it takes for some fathers to
become good ones....but if divorce is a reality for some families, at least the kids win on this front - they lose one thing but gain another.

[Rob Bullock]

Why do father have to prove that they are good fathers? And why is this kind of behavior accepted by society at large? Its awful and hurtful to everybody involved. How can I tell my son that we live in a just and fair society? His kids can be taken away from him at any point, like his father and his father’s father. Seeing this will he want to have kids when he is an adult? Can I, with good conscience, tell him to plan for a family?

[Rob Bullock]

I am a divorced dad of a 13 year old boy and 16 year old girl. I was very close before the divorce and have remained very close since the divorce. I stayed within middle school boundaries so they could take the bus from my place to school. I live within one mile of there mom so friends could easily move between houses. Actually I own a condo for a couple or reasons. It because it was three bedrooms, in same school district, and one I could afford.
At the time of divorce I tried to work with the soon to be ex-wife. Starting with Mediation and Collaborative divorce, and post divorce counseling. She, like many women going through divorce, chose a contested divorce as a way to get even. She said she would knew how to hurt me (I have this conversation on a taped phone call) and it was through the kids. She said she knew how important the kids were to me and would use them against me. She lived up to her word.

[indy100]

Being a "good dad" isn't being the fun guy who takes the kids out every weekend they're with him. It's the guy who makes them do homework on the weekend when they bring it because they're behind in school. It's the guy who enforces curfews and bedtimes. My ex let our kids get away with anything, including allowing our then 14-year old daughter to leave with friends he'd never even met (did I mention she was gone ALL NIGHT), allowing our son to stay up as late as he wanted, way too much junk food, etc. All of this caused serious grief for me as the primary parent (what kid doesn't want a parent who let's them do whatever they want??), but it ultimately caused problems for the kids too.

[clearthinker2008]

What you said is what's considered a good day, being the fun one then the mom is the one who has to make the hard daily choices. Also how many kids get around 15, or 16 and want to move in with "weekend dad" just for those reasons. Mom always has to be the bad guy.

[indy100]

Personal experience has taught me that men DO NOT become better fathers because of a divorce. It depends on the circumstances, the motivations of the people involved and whether significant others or second spouses are involved. My ex-husband put himself first when we got divorced. He took the kids on his weekends, but more than once they spent much of the time with his parents because he was busy doing his own thing. After he re-married and he had two kids with his second wife, she decided she didn't care for his other kids and treated them terribly. He did nothing about it. He and his wife are now getting divorced, but my ex really has a relationship with only one of our four kids, now all young adults. Now that both of his parents are dead and he's getting divorced again he seems to have realized that all he has is his kids, unfortunately he's pretty much burned his bridges with our kids. It may have made him want to be a better father to his "second" kids, but it's unfortunate that he couldn't have been a good dad our kids.

[MzPetuniaPigg]

Being a father is fine but men please check your motives. Are you doing this simply to weasel out of obligations you might get through the divorce or do you truly want to be a better dad? Mothers are generally primary caretakers. Children need ONE place to call home. Divorce is not their fault so someone is going to be upset. Be an adult and do what is right for these precious angels. If your wife was primary caretaker (and be honest about this) then keep the children's life as stable as possible and don't try to change anything. Maybe learn that the world does not revolve around YOU, it revolves around the children (as it should). If you need to tighten the belt and do without that TBone steak and make do with sirloin, then do it!!!! Women caring for chidlren make do many times while still married, maybe it is your turn now.

I also cannot believe that Warren Farell is mentioned in another news piece. How quickly his article in Penthouse from 1979 (December) is forgotten. And while Penthouse is considered a "mens" magazine, I highly doubt that if they were told there was an incorrect quote in said magazine that they would never print a retraction. Publishing an article in which an interviewee is misquoted with no retraction printed would severely hurt the credibility of said mag and reporter.

Nuff' Said.......

[MzPetuniaPigg]

Men who indeed come to the realization that the child's lives are slipping away and sincerely want to be a father should do so. However men who are being divorced by mom due to abuse issues either of mom or of child(ren), should be closely scrutinized. Many posters on here have made comments about abuse issues. I AM one of those moms who is trying to protect my child and myself from an abuser. An abuser who apparently has a history of abuse (unknown to me at the time of marriage and even the conception of our child). Now he is magically SUPERDAD? Holidays come and go and when our child is asked - did you see fireworks? Her answer is yes on tv, daddy HAD to watch the race. Nothing changes, I am no longer there to watch what is being said or done to her. The nastiness displayed twoards me in her presence (whether I am there or not) is doubled now that he has remarried. (Continued)

[Malkin71]

Everything in life is motivation.

What kind of service would you get if the waitress did not work for tips, for example.

By the same token, before marriage...historically (this is getting less and less true, but...) men hold the cards. Women are motivated to be good girlfriends because if they are not, they can be shown the door.

After marriage, her "motivation" is gone. She can become the worst wife in the world and what will be her reward?

Half or more of his money.

Imagine a job where you, basically, could not get fired no matter what you did or did not do AND, if you do, you get to own half the company?

[wherriott2]

Great analogy.

[yellowdoggie]

What century are you in? What kind of women do you know who are in relationships for just what they can get out of a man? This is pitiful.

[Kim Diaz]

amen yellowdoggie.

[Malkin71]

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/07/17/10-expensive-ceo-divorces_n_238137.html

There is a good start to your answer....

[DSArmageddon]

What kind of woman?

Tell you what, Yellow. I don't know if you're a man or a woman, but if you're male do a simple experiment.

Go out on a date, and explain to the woman before you go out that you are going "dutch" and expect her to pay for her half of the date.

You'll quickly find that a good 80-90% of women are in relationships for what they can get out of a man, because they'll suddenly become busy and unavailable for that date.

[clearthinker2008]

Women have jobs these days caveman.

[TheBlackCat]

My parents never got divorced, though many if not most of my friends did. And my friends always told me about how jealous they were of ME for having parents being together. It was never the other way around.

I agree with other posters here saying that if they were a crappy dad before the divorce, they'll be the same after. None of my friends' dads who stayed in the picture and were good dads had been less so before divorce.

Most of their dads made an effort at first...until they found a pretty new wife who wanted to start a family of her own. Suddenly dad had no room for the first one, and he just kind of slowly faded out of the picture...but what really disturbed me, is that these weren't all crappy dads. Some of these men had been devoted fathers, they were always taking us fishing, camping, coaching sports teams, etc...and then five years later, new wife and baby, and their level of involvement was a card on birthdays. I will never understand how someone goes from being a loving devoted dad to complete abandonment.

...but on the flip side of that, a lot of those same kids got really awesome step dads. I have a couple male adult friends now who are step fathers who are just amazing dads. While I saw kids get ditched by bad men, there were often good men around to pick up the pieces.

[Malkin71]

Would they have continued to be good dads to the "old" kids were it not for the jealousy, insecurity, and one-ups-manship of the new wife?