For Micheal and Daniel Neeson, Mommy Will Be Irreplaceable

There's no replacing mommy. It is one of those truisms that resonate when your mother is no longer available for hugs, a plate of chocolate chip cookies or the reliable oohs and aahs you come to expect when you come home with a math score or conquest at the soccer field. That comfort is always the underpinning of our beings. Which is why my heart aches for Natasha Richardson's two young sons, Daniel and Micheal.

Only 12 and 13, I think to myself. Immediately I called my brother because he was 14 when my father died and we always reminisce and sigh over a news story of someone losing a parent. We also acknowledge how now someone else has joined our club, a club that no one ever wants to belong to but one that changes you forever. Losing a parent makes you an adult overnight, someone who realizes how fleeting and random life can be. Thirty years later, those lessons still inspire and cripple.

I am sure that Prince William and Prince Harry are thinking of Micheal and Daniel today. They know, yes they know, what this means. Just recently, Prince William shared how his mother's death when he was 15 still impacts him. Writing in a British daily, Daily Mail, he wrote that never being able to say the word "Mummy" again in your life sounds like a small thing but for him like many others, it's a life-altering experience evoking only memories.

Prince William went on say that "initially there is a sense of profound shock and disbelief that this could ever happen to you. Real grief often does not hit home until much later. For many it is a grief never entirely lost.... Life is altered as you know it, and not a day goes past without you thinking about the one you have lost."

He added, "I know that over time it is possible to learn to live with what has happened and with the passing of years, to retain or rediscover cherished memories."

Princess Diana died 12 years ago.

My eyes fill with tears when I read in a news report what he wrote because it is true that a day doesn't go by that you don't think of your parent, especially if you cared for them. He is respectful of his stepmother Camilla but his love and loyalty will always be for his mother.

As a result of a parent's death, there will be a gaping hole forever in your heart. What you then must do is build and fortify that muscle around that hole by focusing on what you still have, what you can have and how that person is still with you as a result of the interests they inspired, the words they say that you find yourself repeating and the ways your character has been formed by them.

Prince William is only speaking out now since becoming the royal patron of the Child Bereavement Charity. This is not surprising. Most of us who felt so helpless over the death of a parent now want to find a way to be helpful.

It is not only Prince William who can relate but many of those children whose parents died on 9/11. They too unwittingly joined this club.

In a previous piece on the Huffington Post, I wrote how it's a myth that time heals all wounds. Any anniversary of a loved one's death becomes a crowbar in the calendar that reopens those wounds again. You find ways to honor your parent privately and too often silently.

What can friends and family do for Micheal and Daniel?

If you knew the person who has died, write a note and mention a trait about them that you remember fondly. It can be anything from "I just thought about Susan and how she always made strawberry birthday cakes for everyone" to recalling how Paul was so cautious that he would drive 40 mph in a 55 mph highway. This brings laughs instead of tears.

If they wished they had said something to their mother, write a letter of all the things you wished you would have said. Writing it feels like you said it and can liberate you in surprising and helpful ways.

I would also advise them to keep a journal of all their feelings and moments that they remember with their mother. Anecdotes can start to fade in the memory but once written, they are constant reminders that can be revived when needed.

I'm also glad that Micheal and Daniel have each other. They will become each other's historians and their bond will be deeper and closer.

Hopefully someone will also remind them in time that so much focus has centered on the pain of loss that little has been written about the growth that comes from it. In my book, Don't Let Death Ruin Your Life, a study revealed that those who have early losses are three times as likely to be achievers. Scratch the surface of most charities or social movements and you'll discover that they were started by someone who wanted to right a wrong and turned their sense of feeling powerless into wanting to empower. Loss also compels us to throw a lariat of love around our family and friends and appreciate more fully the precious times spent together. Those of us who have suffered losses know that the present is indeed a present. Life is to be savored.

In thinking about Daniel and Micheal -- and yes, being a product of someone who had loss in their life, I am someone who needs to find the silver lining -- I also thought to myself how at least their life will always have the presence of their mother in it. They are not so young that they didn't know their mother. A year in a child's life is really like seven years. A lot of memories can be accumulated. Liam Neeson is of an age that Natasha will always be the love of his life. She will be the love of all their lives.

I wonder what they will remember most about her? This morning, my 11 year-old son Parker asked for my special pancakes I make usually on weekends. He tumbled out of bed and said he just had the desire for them and would I mind whipping them up. On any other day I may have resisted arguing that there's too little time while I juggle getting ready for work and quickly putting a load of laundry in before we leave the house. But not today. Thanks to Natasha I am reminded how these little moments are so precious and it may be the pancakes he remembers fondly. I made them with pleasure.

Maybe in tribute to her we can think about what our kids will remember about us and how we should do them more while we are blessed enough to be alive to enjoy the time we have with them.

Comments

[llstudent]

All of these comments are heartbreaking, I feel for every one of you. My mom who is dead now, lost both her parents when she was 6 and 12 and it effected her whole life until the day she died. She was very over-protective as well as needy emotionally which I figure was from not having parents. She was the youngest of 9 and it was the hardest on her. And to the person that said it made them a pessimist, I think that just might be true, because I lost my husband when he was 24 and I was 21 and I am now 55 and I am more or less a pessimist also. I hate to say it but you always have a shadow hanging over your shoulder, but I learned that life can change in the twinkling of an eye, and I always remember now to say I love you before someone leaves.

[theexodusishere]

May 7th will be the one year anniversary of my mother's death. I turned 33 on Wednesday. It was the first birthday without the woman that gave birth to me. I think I feel worse today than I did the day she died (after a decade long battle with intestinal cancer that completely decimated her). I too know exactly what those boys are feeling, b/c sadly, at least in my case, I am no more equipped for my own mother's loss at 33 than those two young boys are. My thoughts are with them and their family in this terribly tragic time.

[rowzeer]

Losing one's mother whether biological or not is the most heart wrenching experience one can have. I imagine the only thing worse is losing a child. You never, ever get over it.

[AZ85283]

While I'm sad that anyone has to lose a parent or close friend they love before their time, I wonder why we only think about that lost when it's a celebrity? Would you have written (or read) this article if it was about the feelings of John Smith's family from down? Most would say, so what, people die all the time. Celebrity children don't suffer any more with the lost of their mother or father than anyone else does.Their sadness isn't any more real or heart wrenching. You make the mistake of generalizing about how all people feel when they lose a parent and that just ain't so. Some people don't give a damn and their "death anniversary" doesn't even warrant a thought. And in a vary crass way, those who die but leave their families well cared for, at least remove the initial fear and panic that some families feel. I remember when Pres. Kennedy was shot and my mother said Mrs. Kennedy is in deed very sad as her life certainly will change; but her sadness is nothing like the panic the wife of the police officer who was also killed probably felt. Not only did her life change drastically she had to be concerned about a roof over her head and food on their table. I do hope the boys continue to grow up in a loving home and learn to remember the good times.

[fishgirl26]

My mother died when I was 30. I still can't get over it. I don't think you ever feel the same love as you do from your mother. She helped me raise my son from when he was an infant until he was 7 when she passed. A year later my son's father committed suicide. We were both in the same boat. We both are now missing a parent. For the both of us though it is the hurt of my mom that is the worst. We miss her in the worst way. I miss how she would come to my house, cook for me, clean for me, and take care of me. I really needed her when my husband died. My comfort now is I am sure how Mr. Neeson (an avid fly fisherman) will come from the solice of a rod, reel, and fly on the water. He will surely feel her then as I feel my mom everytime I am out there. Hopefully, he will teach his sons how important it is to get out there and not look back too much.

[Glamorosa]

Responding to the last comment, I have lost both parents and a step-father. We never loose these people as inside of us is a place of connection with them and memories of exqusite times. When my father died I was reminded by my spiritual teacher that all the qualities that I saw in my father also exist inside of me.

Remember the good times and smile in your heart, let the tears flow when they are there and be gentle with yourself.

Bless us all.

[MPSA]

Im a so touched by all I have read here. While I am still lucky to have my parents, in the last 23 months i have lost my fiance and my older brother is not expected to survive another week. The pain and the anger that others talk about and the grieving and the knowledge that you can never talk to your loved one again is hard , and Im still waiting for the day its a dull ache.

My brother has 3 small children, and reading this helped me come to terms with what my sister in law, and myself as the primary caregivers will have to understand and see in these three small people. We feel so cheated and at the same time so blessed to have had these lovely people in our lives to love for whatever time we get/got them.

Thank You for helping me come to terms with some things today.

[rowzeer]

I have found that the pain and anger never really go away....

[lizzie 8]

amazing article...thank you!

[AurigaRa]

I only hope that Liam Neeson and his sons feel the empathy and love that is pouring out
around the world for their loss.

[MelodyCA]

My mom died when I was 13. I often wonder if she had lived, would I be a different person than I am today.
One thing adults should NEVER do is hide things from the kids. Kids always know. I knew.

Its one of my goals to help kids who have lost their parents at an early age.

[Topaz 77479]

The article spells her son's name as Micheal all through the article...is that correct? Usually, this name is spelled Michael and that's the way it has been in numerous other news stories.

But other than being distracted by that detail, I thought the article was moving and well-written.

[MsIrisMG]

Yes, we've been through all that...it's the correct spelling.

[Drew76]

It was so strange to read your article and then the comments These are experiences I know too well. I lost my mom to Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma one week after I graduated from college. I was 28 years old then and it was truly the worst experience of my life. I can not imagine what it must be like to have lost her at age 12 or 13, and when I heard about this story I immediately thought about what poor Daniel and Michael must be going through. I know all too well the dull pain of loss and lonliness that I have to carry with me every day. It is truly an experience you have be strong to overcome, and if you are not strong it will make you so.

I keep my mother's memory alive by never forgetting what she was like, how she laughed, the music and movies she loved and the way she would give me her honest opinion whether I wanted to hear it or not. Ms. Brooke, your article could not have been posted on a better day for me because this would have been my mother's 61st birthday. Thank you for putting into great perspective not only of the loss I am still dealing with every day of my life, but also for how lucky I was to have my mother for the brief part of my life that I did. There are far too many people in our "club".

[newyearsbb]

I completely agree Jill, your article really touched my heart. Natasha's children have been on my mind since the news broke, their lives forever changed by this tragedy. Especially your comment about the death of a parent forever leaving a gaping hole in their heart.
I too immediately thought of Diana and the sons she left behind.
My own children lost their father when they were only 6 and 8, today they are 25 and 27. They grew into such fine men, I am so proud. I often think of how much he would have taught them about life had he lived to see them into adulthood. It will be to Liam to be everything for them now. I will certainly read your books now.

[Lastgirl]

My father died on my 9th birthday. My life and his death are forever connected. I am now 52 years old, his age at the time of his death. He had been ill in the last year of his life, but no one gave me any reason to believe his heart condition was going into congestive heart failure. No one explained to me that he may be here in another year. That was 1965 when no one talked about death the way they do now. That was before Kubler-Ross who we all owe a debt of gratitude.
I received no "grief counseling." I was back in school immediately. No one said a word to me: kids or teachers. It's a different world now. Anyway, I still grieve the loss of my father, and I have plans to be bured next to him, if I die before my husband. (I am sure my husband would remarry and I would want him to be with his 2nd wife.)
There are few words to explain how--after a parent's death--the child feels. In a sense, I started waiting for someone else to go in the same manner--to slip my life when I was not prepared. I believe the experience made me a pessimist. I have a bookshelf of material written about kids who lose their parents. A rabbi recently told me that is an honor when someone is buried or dies on one's birthday.

[TheFatLadySings]

Evocatively (and beautifully) written. It's true that death at an early age affects deeply. My sister committed suicide when I was 7. I still think of her often. I miss her to this day. My thoughts ran to her when I heard about Natasha Richardson. I wondered how her sons would be able to handle the loss. As you say - they have one another. Sharing both the joys and the pain eases the grief. I never had someone to reminisce with. Memories of my sister are exclusively my own - and that's sad, in a way. I'd like to have someone to discuss it with.

My prayers are with Natasha's family and friends - all those who loved this remarkable woman.

[sfden50]

Beautiful Article.