My girlfriends are always curious to hear what I have to say about men. Aside from my degree in Sociology and the plethora of gender study books crowding my bedroom, as a sex columnist, I have the delightful pleasure of interviewing men to see what they really think about dating, relationships, sex and... us. So ladies, to ensure you're not wasting your valuable time with a man who's not worthy of it, take note of the following myths because knowledge is power.
1.) MYTH: He's jealous of other guys, so he wants to be monogamous. I was dating this guy who was full of questions: When was the last time you saw so-and-so? Are you sure you and your male model buddy are really just friends? Why is your phone going off in the middle of the night? At first, I was tickled by this barrage of questions. I thought, wow, he's jealous of another men's interest; this must mean that he's really into me. Wrong. My friend Jon explains: "Men are territorial by nature. They want to know who their competition is and how they measure up. It's classic machismo." I realized that if question-asker were really into me, he wouldn't be soliciting information casually, but rather telling me things about himself and asking me questions about myself -- things that would help us get to know each other on a more substantial level. Turns out, Mr. Curious had been sleeping with at least two different women the whole time, anyway, so it's possible that his line of questioning was a projection. Buh-bye!
2.) MYTH: There's a message in his message. While some women can spend an alarming amount of time "decoding" the syntax of a guy's text message with the same amount of acumen we used to ace our AP English exams, chances are, the guy's not doing the same thing. "Studies indicate that women, to a greater extent than men, are sensitive to the interpersonal meanings that lie 'between the lines' in the messages they exchange with their mates." I'm not totally putting down these all-gal gab sessions; they can often lead to insightful thoughts we have about ourselves, but we must keep in mind that men are just not reciprocating our analytic efforts. This isn't necessarily a bad thing. Say you write a cray text to your guy one champagne-fueled night. Don't stress it; he's not giving it a second thought.
3.) MYTH: He "LIKES" me, so he really likes me. It's kind of sad what passes for courting these days. Think about how much effort it takes a guy to thumbs up a Facebook status or "Like" one of your photos. We're not exactly talking the prowess of Lord Byron here, yet I've seen smart, savvy and sexy women gain a cool sense of satisfaction from meaningless digital attention. This can be really dangerous, especially for over-analytic women, to whom the digital social network becomes a whole other universe, filled with black holes. Social media has invaded our head-space so much that sometimes we lose sight of a real gesture. A phone call, flowers, picking you up and taking you home -- these are not archaic relics of romance, but signs that a guy is starting to invest in you. Pay attention to the effort involved in the way he's letting you know he likes you. Is your guy really involved in your life, or is he keeping a foothold in it? "Women let the smallest things flatter them," says Laurence -- a bachelor who hasn't had a free weekend since the '90s. "It takes minimal effort to keep a woman hooked on me when I'm really stringing her along and waiting for something better." Laurence's candor is unsettling to say the least, but learn from it: examine the effort your man is putting into the attention he's showing you, and don't settle!
4.) MYTH: Men think aggressive women are sexy. No doubt, as empowered women, when we see someone we want, we'll go after him with the same ambition that has scored us successes elsewhere. But, consider meeting men rather than chasing them. Chasing is exhausting (sorry guys, I'm a busy gal) and can appear compulsive and dramatic. You can feel powerful in the moment, but often, explains my friend Pete, "If a girl goes after me in the beginning, that's my cue to sit back and let her do all the work." But if you meet a man rather than chase him, you're opening yourself up to a more mutual and reciprocal relationship. "A woman who knows who she is and what she wants is beyond sexy," my friend Brendan tells me. "But I want to know she's really into me, and not just trying to score a boyfriend -- or husband or has some agenda. That's a total turn-off." It's reassuring to be reminded that men want us to be into them too. Sometimes we forget that because we're so focused on what's going on inside our heads.
5.) MYTH: He gets uncomfortable talking about things; that means he doesn't care. Women sometimes deal with problems (especially emotional concerns) by talking about them, sharing their feelings and matching experiences with others. This can be frustrating to men, who more typically deal with problems by focusing on the facts and seeking an immediate solution. If that solution eludes them, men might feel useless and lost, and shut down as a result. My friend Ed, happily married to his high school sweetheart, confided in me that for a year he suspected his wife had an eating disorder and that he was so alarmed and confused about what to do, he said nothing. At the same time, his wife, also my friend, told me that her husband didn't even notice her weight loss. She was devastated that he could be so disconnected from her turmoil. While men certainly need to be able to communicate with their intimate partners, remember that they also have to confront and deal with the "problem solver" stereotype, and that pressure can be paralyzing.
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A long laundry list, I know. If you start deleting some from the laundry list, you're moving in the wrong direction. No wonder it can be so hard and so many people fail. Both parties much be equally CAPABLE, WILLING AND EXCITED in provide all of these to each other. The more of these you can bring to a relationship, the closer you will be to having it be a lasting and worthwhile one. Actually, you better have a big chunk of these, or your relationship won't stand the test of time. They are almost inseperable, like each being a link in a strong chain.
"MYTH: Men think aggressive women are sexy." That is a big myth. But then what constitutes being aggressive in women? Not settling for less? Being as persistent as a guy? The aggressive tag on women is treated as an insult. Most men prefer submissiveness, approval seekers, or women who'll dumb down for him in order to keep him. On the one hand we have men who don't want wishy washy women, yet she'll be called "aggressive" and he gets insecure when she won't be intimidated by anything.
MYTH: There's a message in his message. I agree with that one. Stop looking for things that aren't there so you can make a big deal over nothing.
I hated the movie Think Like A Man. The women in it tried to manipulate their men, and I would dump you in a heartbeat if that's what you were doing. And they didn't believe in equality. The movie had the same premise as Hitch, but Hitch was a thousand times better, and the story wasn't split up between five different couples.
Also, make sure your goal is a strong, lasting relationship, not marriage. If marriage is all that you want, you can have that with any man, and I become a non-entity. You can have a healthy, monogamous, committed long-term relationship without marriage; remember that. Then you also have to have a real conversation with us about monogamy. Some men aren't monogamous, but that's fine as long as we're up front and honest about it. But that also means that you can't assume that you're in a monogamous relationship when you haven't spoken with your man about it. If he's not monogamous, then it's best to find out early and move on if that's not what you're looking for.
[OOOOO]
Oh yeah......yer a real catch. "Try and be nice to the women I date?"
[OOOOO]
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I wish I'd known 35 years ago (about men) that I know now. I'm very happily married (married in my 30s) but wasted so much time my college years w/my friends "I wonder what he meant by that? Do you think he'll ask me out...?" I read WAY too much into everything. Even when my husband and I were dating, I'd automatically wonder why he didn't call EXACTLY when he said he would (typical, over-analytical insecurity.) After being married a short time, I soon realized that men are simple. (Don't take offense guys, I mean that in a GOOD way.) They usually say what they mean, they don't pout, they want to be appreciated "thank you for fixing the faucet," if they're hungry, feed them, and sex is how you show them love. Thank God men are NOT like women. Can you imagine how emotionally draining (realistically) a relationship like that would be? (Trying to read into what each other said and meant.) Thankful for my girlfriends too, but I love my uncomplicated husband.
Now since this is the reality and isn't changing what's a woman to do. With so few relationship worthy guys for reasons mentioned above and not having dad as a positive role model teaching boys how to be a man the few quality guys out there are going to be chased by swarms of women looking for them. They want guys ambitious, smarter than they are, upwardly economically mobile....guys that women throughout time wanted. But now there are few. So these guys have all the leverage/power.
Bottom line. Ladies, you're in tough shape for a committed male relationship. The Womyn's Movement was great for you professionally, but not socially. Good news is you'll have a higher paying job and more career advancement running the country than men. The bad news it's likely you won't find a quality man to commit to.
Good luck. Cause it doesn't look good for you with all the unemployed guys living in their parent's cellars getting manicures playing video games.
What I am finding is that women in this demographic want their cake and eat it too. Men don't necessarily listen to what you say so much as they watch what you do. And when I say "you", I am speaking in general terms of womanhood. Women tell us they want a LTR, and then expect us to do all the work. At this age, it doesn't work like that. You want "equality"? Then show us you're willing to take the same risks you expect us to. That's when real equality exists.
I don't embrace all the new dating technology. Don't scan internet dating sites, don't twitter and the thought of Facebook gives me the creeps. Like spending time with real people and not holograms or false images.
Haven't dated an American woman in many years for most of the same reasons brought up by kmd4. Most of the age appropriate American women I met (50+) just aren't into doing. They spend too much time sitting around. Maybe it's just the women I met but they were all either very demanding/rigid (like they need to run the show this time around), complicated and carried a lot of baggage. Or they were completely opposite and clingy/needy. Don't remember the last time I met someone available in the US that was laid back and moderate in her approach to life.
I wound up moving to Europe.
If you don't like it. Don't accept "it is what it is". Just try to "be the person you want to attract".