1. Super glue has no place in a house with young children.
2. Neither do Sharpies.
3. There is no such thing as allowing your kid to play with your phone "just once."
4. Don't use Google to diagnose illnesses. Ever.
5. Dollar store toys cost far more than a dollar in frustration, anguish and regret.
6. The terrible twos are bullshit. The terribleness lasts through at least age 4. Or, forever.
7. Always carry wipes, long after diaper wearing has ended.
8. Resist purchasing character Bandaids, unless you're prepared to buy a box a week.
9. You can never have too many Goldfish. The crackers, not the live ones.
10. Don't buy bunk beds, unless you have absolutely no choice.
11. Keep track of who gave what at birthday parties.
12. Never stock batteries in your house, or you will be forced to make obnoxiously loud toys work once again.
13. Buy Mr. Clean Erasers in bulk.
14. Backup all photos. Better yet, print them.
15. Look in the oven before you turn it on.
16. There is no point in making beds.
17. Accept the fact that you will turn into your mother.
18. Always check pockets before washing clothes.
19. There is no such thing as "running" into Target with children.
20. Take more video.
21. Daily baths are overrated.
22. Find young babysitters and groom them. The less attractive, the better.
23. Always have ample one dollar bills on hand for lost teeth and bribery.
24. Carry plenty of emergency snacks in the car.
25. Keep expensive cosmetics out of arm's reach. Arm's reach, on a stool and tippy toes.
26. The 4-year-old check-up is brutal.
27. Look before you sit down to pee.
28. Train your children to clean up all Legos before bed, knowing that nothing is more painful than stepping on a Lego with a bare foot at midnight.
29. Save "no" for when it really matters.
30. Over-apply sunscreen.
31. Practice caution when approaching that stray raisin on the floor. It's probably not a raisin.
32. Never pay full price for kids' clothes. They always go on sale and the expensive ones inevitably get ruined first.
33. There's a reason why people surprise their kids with trips to Disney: Their anticipation may kill you.
34. Don't take their word for it when children say they don't need to pee before leaving the house.
35. Lock your bedroom door.
36. And, your bathroom one.
37. Never open a can of soda handed to you by a child.
38. Walk away from temper tantrums. Or, record them for future enjoyment.
39. Upset as you may be, hair grows back.
40. But, not on Barbie dolls, so hide the scissors.
41. Never buy more than two pairs of shoes at once. Their feet will inevitably grow once you do.
42. No matter how hard they promise, kids will never walk that puppy as much as you hoped.
43. Give away the books you can't stand reading.
44. No child went to college with a pacifier.
45. Don't buy any toy that is meant to come apart, unless they can put it back together themselves.
46. Keep a well-hidden stock of lollipops.
47. Don't allow Play-Doh on carpets. Or, indoors, for that matter.
48. TV won't really turn their brains to mush.
49. A bathroom in a house with boys will never smell clean.
This post originally appeared on Scary Mommy.
Follow Jill Smokler on Twitter: www.twitter.com/scarymommy
- Wear shoes in your home, so when you step on Lego pieces you won't get hurt. When your kid steps on Lego pieces, you can point out it's their own dang fault
- ITA, use no sparingly, never back down when you do use NO. If a kid wheedles you out of a no by begging, saying "pleeeeeeeese", JUST ONE TIME, they will be that way forever.
- It's more fun being the "Enforcer parent" than being the "comfort parent"
- teach kids to get their own danged breakfast at the youngest age possible. You'll be able to sleep in much more often. My wife has students (High School) who still need mommy to make their danged toast and cereal!
- The first time your baby/toddler is introduced to Oreos or a Chocolate Popsicle, make sure you have a camera, along with a bunch of wipes
- Cats won't suck the breath out of your baby, despite what your grandmother told you
Very witty, and very realistic advice.
We've lost a lot of attractive young babysitters to the social scene. Sometimes you just have to pay them more, and work around their dating schedule!
I have six grandchildren, now
Maybe add: Don't expect to wear clean clothes until they are say... 7?
;)
And as for the babysitter one, I also took it to mean that babysitters who are less attractive are more likely to remain interested in babysitting longer as they as less likely to be in that crazy 'in' crowd and be off to parties, etc. Harsh but probably true. :(