1. Super glue has no place in a house with young children.
3. There is no such thing as allowing your kid to play with your phone "just once."
4. Don't use Google to diagnose illnesses. Ever.
5. Dollar store toys cost far more than a dollar in frustration, anguish and regret.
6. The terrible twos are bullshit. The terribleness lasts through at least age 4. Or, forever.
7. Always carry wipes, long after diaper wearing has ended.
8. Resist purchasing character Bandaids, unless you're prepared to buy a box a week.
9. You can never have too many Goldfish. The crackers, not the live ones.
10. Don't buy bunk beds, unless you have absolutely no choice.
11. Keep track of who gave what at birthday parties.
12. Never stock batteries in your house, or you will be forced to make obnoxiously loud toys work once again.
13. Buy Mr. Clean Erasers in bulk.
14. Backup all photos. Better yet, print them.
15. Look in the oven before you turn it on.
16. There is no point in making beds.
17. Accept the fact that you will turn into your mother.
18. Always check pockets before washing clothes.
21. Daily baths are overrated.
22. Find young babysitters and groom them. The less attractive, the better.
23. Always have ample one dollar bills on hand for lost teeth and bribery.
24. Carry plenty of emergency snacks in the car.
25. Keep expensive cosmetics out of arm's reach. Arm's reach, on a stool and tippy toes.
26. The 4-year-old check-up is brutal.
27. Look before you sit down to pee.
28. Train your children to clean up all Legos before bed, knowing that nothing is more painful than stepping on a Lego with a bare foot at midnight.
29. Save "no" for when it really matters.
30. Over-apply sunscreen.
31. Practice caution when approaching that stray raisin on the floor. It's probably not a raisin.
32. Never pay full price for kids' clothes. They always go on sale and the expensive ones inevitably get ruined first.
33. There's a reason why people surprise their kids with trips to Disney: Their anticipation may kill you.
34. Don't take their word for it when children say they don't need to pee before leaving the house.
35. Lock your bedroom door.
36. And, your bathroom one.
37. Never open a can of soda handed to you by a child.
38. Walk away from temper tantrums. Or, record them for future enjoyment.
39. Upset as you may be, hair grows back.
40. But, not on Barbie dolls, so hide the scissors.
41. Never buy more than two pairs of shoes at once. Their feet will inevitably grow once you do.
42. No matter how hard they promise, kids will never walk that puppy as much as you hoped.
43. Give away the books you can't stand reading.
44. No child went to college with a pacifier.
45. Don't buy any toy that is meant to come apart, unless they can put it back together themselves.
46. Keep a well-hidden stock of lollipops.
47. Don't allow Play-Doh on carpets. Or, indoors, for that matter.
48. TV won't really turn their brains to mush.
49. A bathroom in a house with boys will never smell clean.
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
It's Another Trump-Biden Showdown — And We Need Your Help
The Future Of Democracy Is At Stake
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
The 2024 election is heating up, and women's rights, health care, voting rights, and the very future of democracy are all at stake. Donald Trump will face Joe Biden in the most consequential vote of our time. And HuffPost will be there, covering every twist and turn. America's future hangs in the balance. Would you consider contributing to support our journalism and keep it free for all during this critical season?
HuffPost believes news should be accessible to everyone, regardless of their ability to pay for it. We rely on readers like you to help fund our work. Any contribution you can make — even as little as $2 — goes directly toward supporting the impactful journalism that we will continue to produce this year. Thank you for being part of our story.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
It's official: Donald Trump will face Joe Biden this fall in the presidential election. As we face the most consequential presidential election of our time, HuffPost is committed to bringing you up-to-date, accurate news about the 2024 race. While other outlets have retreated behind paywalls, you can trust our news will stay free.
But we can't do it without your help. Reader funding is one of the key ways we support our newsroom. Would you consider making a donation to help fund our news during this critical time? Your contributions are vital to supporting a free press.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our journalism free and accessible to all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you'll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Support HuffPostAlready contributed? Log in to hide these messages.