Try adding bacon to even more of your favorites, because bacon makes everything better!
Bacon-Wrapped Marriage Counseling
-1 pound bacon
-your favorite go-to dinner recipe
1.) Prepare recipe as usual. Top with fried bacon.
2.) Serve to your partner. Explain that you see your recent cosmetic update on this one-time mutual favorite as a sort of diorama of your stagnating relationship, and the increasingly futile efforts both of you have employed to "save this marriage."
3.) Finish meal in strained silence. Savor its smoky-salty flavor.
Spring Chicken and Bacon
-Latest issues of a variety of fashion magazines
-Reams and reams of bacon
1.) Flip through magazine. Notice the almost offensive youth of all the models, featured celebrities, and writers. No one named "Madison" could possibly be past the age of 30, after all.
2.) Pass by a hall mirror on your way to the kitchen. Notice how much you're starting to look like your mother.
3.) Keep eating bacon until you can no longer feel the aching hole where your youthful sense of promise used to live, so many years ago.
4.) Use any leftover strips as under-eye compresses to reduce puffiness from all the weeping.
Crispy-Crunch Parenting
-1 pound bacon
-5 happy meals
1.) Pick up one happy meal for each of your children and three for yourself
2.) Top with fried bacon. Serve.
3.) Call up a girlfriend so you can go over the latest episode of America's Got Talent! in real time. During the commercials, bemoan the fact that some stay-at-home parents today don't take their job seriously enough to even bother with home-cooked meals anymore.
Pipes in a Blanket
-Several strips uncooked bacon
-1 clogged sink
-Whatever wrenches you have that have a bacon-grease-proof rubber grip
1.) Examine sink. Note that water is not draining.
2.) Dangle a few strips of bacon over drain to see if maybe the sink is just being difficult because you're bogarting all the bacon. If that doesn't work, try threatening sink with even more limited bacon privileges unless it starts behaving. This won't work either, but only because your sink knows you're a soft touch when it comes to the bacon.
3.) Locate pipe beneath sink. Use wrench to remove.
4.) Replace it with the new, very well-lubricated pipe you've crafted from uncooked bacon strips and hot glue.
5.) Cook up extra bacon strips while you wait for your wife to stop screaming and call the plumber, already, if the rancid-meat smell really bothers her that much.
Bacontinis
-Pitcher of martinis
-Bacon
1.) Pour yourself a martini. Drink rapidly. Pour another. And another.
2.) Continue drinking martinis. Notice how fabulous you look when you pass by the hall mirror. God, you look great.
3.) If anyone questions your consumption, explain that you're using bacon-infused vodka, because you're really into all those new culinary trends, infused liquors are making a comeback, you saw it in Gourmet, and you know, whatever, shut up, you don't judge them.
4.) Apply bacon strips as under-eye compresses to reduce puffiness from all the weeping.
Follow Jilly Gagnon on Twitter: www.twitter.com/jillygagnon
The birds have been chirping since you went to sleep
The sun's shining a glorious orange-red
You've slept through Oprah, Reege, and The View
So get the fuck out of bed
The neighbors are mowing and washing their cars
I've had lunch which was on whole-wheat bread
The mailman has already come and gone
Now get the fuck out of bed
I know that these times can really be hard
"You'll find a job soon", I said
But how can that be, when you're still in the sack?
Right now, get the fuck out of bed!!!