06/25/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Give Me That...OLD Time Religion

Christianity just isn't sexy anymore. Not that it ever was; in fact it's more like a spiritual chastity belt, which, if worn too long, not only blocks all sexy-fun-thoughts from entering, breaking them in two on its steely, cold surface like so much dried spaghetti, but which chafes away at whatever sexuality the wearer had in the first place, rubbing and pulling and pinching (and none of these in a fun way) until it has left him or her with a massive gangrenous infection that can only be dealt with by cutting out the affected organ(s) entirely.

Figuratively speaking, of course.

Which might help explain why the only religion out there whose numbers are growin' these days is...the lack of religion. That's right, atheism, that huge, evil, destructive force that no one can ever possibly understand or control, that anti-American satan-worshipping teenage-pregnancy-monger, that terrorist of our young people's right to judge others based on a belief winning!

But just because they're leaving "the" fold doesn't mean they have to leave every fold, and jump headfirst into the hungry, gaping, blood-dripping maw of "secular humanism." Trick your loved ones into believing in something with these gods...after all, anything has to be better than the a- word, right?

Pan (Faunus): His is a classic ugly-duckling story; despite the fact that he was half-goat, and smelled it, this guy split himself up into many mini Pans and got it on with all the ladies...and all at once.
Recommended for: the schizophrenic, the sexually prolific, and farmhands.

Frigg: This Norse goddess helps out married women...much like frigging does in modern times.
Recommended for: People who really love the transgressive fun of taking their lord's name in vain...but find swearing distasteful.

Priapus: This minor Greek fertility god was cursed to impotence and hideousness pre-birth by an angry Hera, but he eventually got his...permanent erection. Who wouldn't want a piece of seriously-horny gnome action? Oh yeahhhhhhh
Recommended for: Your aging atheists. They may not believe in god, but they sure as hell believe in Viagra, and what with the price of prescription drugs these days...

Onan: Onan wasn't technically a god, just a Jew who had a much bigger complaint than Portnoy. Of course when this guy masturbated, you could seriously smell it on him, especially a few days after the fact...because he got smote for it. I know, not exactly deific, but hey, there has to be at least one major religion out there that worships someone for being Jewish then dying, right?
Recommended for: T(w)eens. They already worship masturbation.

Hephaestus (Vulcan): Hephaestus should have just sucked it up and dealt with the fact that he was the ugly (so much so that his mom threw him away), lame (I mean that in both senses), totally unpopular guy who the cool kids at Olympus only let hang around with them because he could sometimes fix their carriages. Which were way cooler and more expensive than the crap he drove, incidentally. Then he had to go and get all literal and try to marry the hot chick. But the fact that he pulled it off? This guy has to have god-like powers.
Recommended for: all the losers, the misfits, the wannabes, the...wait a second, regular religion has already claimed that crew, right?