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Jilly Gagnon Headshot

If It's The Last Thing I DOOOO!!!

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There are some things that you can live without, things like food, or oxygen, or love, but other things are more fundamental, truly necessary. One of those things is revenge. When indulging, bear in mind these long-standing maxims:

Revenge is a dish best served cold: The revenge literature would have you believe that the only way to truly savor your moment of deliverance is to have waited for it for a long, long time, perhaps escaping from an island prison over the course of many years of teaspoon digging through stone walls, returning to the world and slowly amassing a fortune, entering into polite society and gaining everyone's trust, including the target's, and only then bothering to get down to brass tacks.

They tell you this because they want to sell your story to Lifetime. Put them on your list for revenge, to be served at whatever temperature you damned well please.

Unless you plan on taking your revenge by making a soup of the loved ones of the target, and tricking said target into eating said loved ones. If that revenge happens to be a gazpacho, then please do serve it cold.

Success is the best revenge:
Wrong. Flaming dog shit is far and away the most immediate, simplest, easily obtainable, and thus best revenge.

An eye for an eye:
If a spouse was affaired, an animal head/body was left in a bed/family home, or a bank account was emptied, then by all means, revenge in kind.

If someone did literally take your eye, make sure that any sort of revenge you plan takes into account your new lack of depth perception.

No one delights in revenge more than women: Take that, glass ceiling!

Forgiveness is the sweetest revenge: The saltiest revenge is chaining someone to a floor, forcing him to watch Steel Magnolias, collect his own tears, and then drink them. The most umami revenge is sleeping with your target's partner, frying up some mushrooms in any and all drippings from the act, wrapping the mushrooms in the sheets or hay you rolled in, and sending the whole thing along to the target as a "care" package.

Filming the event and capturing the smell of the room so that you can allow your target to relive it in smell-o-vision is also very umami.

Don't get mad, get even: They're emphasizing the wrong point, here -- it should read "no matter what, just make sure to get even." I mean, this isn't goddammed therapy, after all, I don't want to hear about your "feelings."

Whoever seeks revenge should dig two graves: In this modern world, multi-tasking is often the only way to fit everything you need to into the day. Wisdom from the ages.