People will live-blog anything these days. Political debates, every reality show ever, their baby's bowel movements. At first I thought following someone's reactions to an event in real-time would heighten the experience...then I saw it for what it really is: an effort to make yourself feel as though your TV choices are of value, and interest, to the rest of the world.
Which is why I'll be bringing you my deep, necessary insights into Julia Stiles' star turn in the Lifetime movie, Wicked...in real time!
2:56 Getting excited for the melodrama to start. Julia Stiles starring in a Lifetime movie in 1998? One in which she manages to have a mother die, pull a single-white-female personality takeover on said dead mom, AND sleep with her dad...on purpose? Wasn't that back when she still had a career? Better get a cosmo and some chocolate, ladeeeeeeezz!
3:01 First leopard-print clothing sighting. Television for women, indeed.
3:04 First 'clearly I have some daddy issues' reference: Count It.
3:06 Child acting is pretty bad. Child acting on Lifetime is truly astounding. "mom and I are leaving because dad can't pay his bills" has never been delivered with more fish-eyed lack of any inflection whatsoever.
3:10 Of course your daughters are going to want to kill their mom in order to sleep with you if you bring them home wrapped presents every time you come home from work, Lifetime Dad! Duh!
3:11 Second cheating husband so far!
3:13 From the peanut gallery: "Julia Stiles sleeps with all kinds of people. She slept with a black man in Save The Last Dance, she slept with a prince in The Prince And Me, and now she's gonna sleep with her own father." "She also slept with a black man in O" "Apparently once you go black, you can go back...to your dad."
3:15 Julia Stiles looks like an alien with alopecia and a really bang-heavy wig. That's still true, though.
3:17 Pretty sure there's a Fabio poster on the wall of less-loved-child's bedroom. And mom is taking it with her to run away from home.
3:17 Actually, it's Brad Pitt from Legends of the Fall. Brad Pitt from LOTF, you looked a LOT like Fabio back in the day, FYI.
3:18 MOM: brutally murdered.
3:23 From the Peanut Gallery: "The dad is pretty hot, though." "I'd like to do my own dad' hot?" "Let's just say he's a PILF. A Papa I'd Like to..."'
3:27 They should just rename it "Lifetime: Where Formerly Promising Careers Go to Die"
3:29 Life(time) lesson: if your wife leaves you, you will a.) drink beer at 7:30 AM b.) start wearing kangol hats c.) grow a Joey Fatone-inspired goatee.
3:40 Real quote from younger sister getting all pissed at J-Sti: "Geez, who died and made you boss." Um, your mom.
3:42 Actual line, with actual amount of context: "I remember when I was a kid I hit my brother over the head with a hammer. If I had killed him, my life would have been very different."
3:48 Commercial insight: "As a mom, I'm a big believer in Nutella." Really? What's your take on Buddha?
3:57 "Remember when I was little and you used to kiss me like I was a movie star?" Very subtle, Lifetime movie, very subtle.
4:04 Thinking about a new mega-channel, Li-Fi, a combo-pack of Lifetime and SciFi (sorry, "SyFy"). Everything will be "based on true stories" and will involve the supernatural, giant, previously-thought-extinct-or-nonexistent creatures, and the occasional retelling of myth. But with more deadbeat cheating wife-beating husbands. They already share the same acting pool - it would be better for everyone!
4:14 Life(time) lesson, from one lady to another: "Look [14 year old], one day you'll find someone you're attracted to, and you'll have sex with him, and maybe even fall in love. Just like me and your father."
4:19: J-Sti is puking on the lawn. From the peanut-gallery "This movie is becoming very reminiscent of 10 Things I Hate About You" "Except you don't want them to get together in the end as much."
4:34 Commercial insight: Corn cob growing, and growing, and growing... "that's REALLY phallic. Like, it's an ad for canned corn, it could have just been a pile."
4:48: From the peanut gallery: "I'm a little offended that all the commercials are for cleaning products, shit for your kids, and yeast infections." "Yeah, and Cash 4 Gold."
4:55: From the Peanut Gallery: "So what exactly is an Elektra complex?" "Kill your mom, sleep with your dad?" "But I don't think Elektra did it on purpose." "Yeah, back then, dads just slept with you because they wanted to." "Now it's all up to you." "Take THAT, glass ceiling."
4:57 A Final Observation: "Dude, this is to lifetime movies what Cabin Fever is to horror movies" "What, awesome?" "Yeah."