From the Office of the President
To Our Cherished Employees:
We here at Goober Peanut Products care about our customers, our workplace environment, and above all, our results. That's why I'm writing to inform you that, effective today, we'll be instituting a new policy in regards to FDA standards and our internal food-testing results. Formally, it will go under the heading "Food safety and in-house quality testing"; just between us, we're calling the new plan "don't spill until someone's ill!"
We know that in the past few weeks there has been some concern about potential contamination of our fine product, by bacteria such as salmonella, and outside sources, such as fecal matter. As the president of this fine company, I want to assure you that you should not be saying things like that to anyone. As far as you know, our standards are as high as ever, and our product is as smooth and pure as a baby's bottom! To date, no known outbreaks of illness have occurred as a direct result of ingesting our product. We encourage you to bear that record in mind when questioning future reports; think of our track record, and then ask yourself, does it make sense that this product might be contaminated? Of course not! We knew you'd see it that way. And thus, we know you won't do any silly "whistle-blowing" about unconfirmed rumors.
In other news, we've been considering replacing certain positions around the company with automated systems. So far we've held off doing so because we care about you, our employees, too much to face letting even a single one of you go. Bear that in mind while going about your testing and reporting in the coming weeks.
Thank you for your time, and keep up the great work and high quality standards! I look forward to hearing that absolutely nothing has been, is, or will be going wrong with any of our fine family of products!
President and C.E.O. of Goober Peanut Products, Inc.