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QUIZ: Admitting you have an Internet Addiction

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"Mr. Alexander, 19, needed help to break an addiction that he called as destructive as alcohol or drugs. He found it in Fall City, where what claims to be the first residential treatment center for Internet addiction in the United States just opened its doors...for $14,000 it offers a 45-day program" - The New York Times

Fall City treatment center has provided this checklist to help individuals determine whether they or a loved one are suffering from internet addiction:


[] Do you surf the internet alone?

[] Do you plan social gatherings around your ability to access the internet?

[] Have you ever turned down an invitation to a kegger or other drink and/or drug-based recreation in order to use the internet?

[] Is the statement: "I have seen more pixellated and/or downloaded boobs than real, live boobs" true for you or your loved one?

[] Is the statement "I have never seen real-live boobs, I have all the ones I need on the internet" true for your or your loved one?

-Please count one for each of the follow terms/abbreviations that you understand and/or use:
[] pwned
[] nsfw
[] WoW
[] lemon party
[] lol
[] lolcatz
[] btw
[] btw,dyhatlbswm?*
*The last letters of this phrase may or may not indicate "wardrobe malfunction."

[] Do you tweet more than ten times in a 24-hour period?

[] Do you tweet more than 24 times in a 24-hour period?

[] Does the term "going off the grid" frighten you? Please count two points if it induces sweat and/or shrieking fits.

[] Are a majority of the people you count as friends individuals you have never actually met in person?

[] When was the last time you spoke to a live individual? If within the last eight hours, do not mark anything, if between 8 and 24 hours, mark one, if between 24 hours and one week, mark two, if over one week, please look online for our agoraphobia treatment options, available from home! (Note: phone conversations can be counted as speaking contact, barring conversations with telemarketers, home-shopping personalities, or any brand of tech support. Headset communications with other WoW users cannot be counted)

[] Do you check your e-mail hourly or more regularly? Work e-mail does count; remember, denial is one of the most common features of addiction problems.

[] Have you ever had to reupholster your parents' basement couch cushions because of your internet 'usage?'

[] Have you ever seen a donkey show? (If show was viewed in Mexico, or on any spring-break excursion, feel free to leave this box blank)

[] Have you witnessed more than a dozen celebrity sex acts, despite living in Topeka?

[] Have you ever referred to food as "manna?"

[] Do you picture yourself as having a health-meter?

[] Do you ever accidentally refer to yourself and/or sign credit card receipts with your screen name?

[] Does your internet usage interrupt your sleep? Waking up, restlessness, or guilt inspired by images seen while surfing the web count when answering this question.

- Please count one for every message board you contribute to daily or more frequently (commenting on news sites counts)

- Please count one for every blog you maintain regularly or on which you have admin access

- Please count one for every social networking site you visit daily or more frequently

- Please count one for every person you hated in high school, but whom you've friended on Facebook, anyway.

If you have checked 0-3 boxes: you likely do not have a problem. Fall City would like to offer their self-monitoring software, though, at a low cost of just $19.99/mo. in order to make sure you maintain a healthy internet attitude.

If you have checked 4-8 boxes: you are exhibiting addictive behaviors which, if not checked, could develop into a full-blown problem. We recommend a week's stay at Fall City in order to nip those bad habits in the bud.

If you have checked 9-12 boxes: just claiming that your internet use is a product of fitting into and competing in the modern world doesn't change the facts: you are spending a dangerous amount of time on the web. You may consider yourself a functioning internaholic right now, and it may actually be helping you both personally and professionally, but who knows how long you can keep all those balls on the trapeze. See? That sort of metaphor-mixing is just one of many side-effects of your addiction. We suggest a 12-week course of treatment, starting immediately, with weekly follow-up appointments to continue indefinitely.

If you have checked 12 or more boxes: you are a Robert Downey Jr.-level addict; no matter how many times you may pull the plug, your need to connect will always be stronger, and you'll soon resort to behaviors like stealing wireless signals, sitting in coffee shops for hours on end in order to get your fix, even creating excuses like "having a job" and "the way the majority of the world does business" and "how else will I know where my interview/party/new apartment is?" just to check your e-mail. We strongly suggest you check in for an extended stay, at least a year, in order to really have a chance at leading a normal, productive, internet-free existence