So You Wanna Hike Naked...

04/22/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Who wouldn't understand the desire to witness the Alps, to trek their immemorial passes, to commune with nature at her most grandiose? And while we're talking about this au naturel desire, let me just mention that there's no law against naked hiking in Switzerland. I smell a...oh god, no, not that - I was going to say spring getaway! I smell a spring getaway!

But maybe in your excitement over the possibility of feeling the sweet mountain breezes around your own crags, the mere thought of seeing every single muscle in your partner's back, hips, and thighs straining awkwardly on the steep inclines, the plans you've made to joke about "twigs and berries" and "acorns" and "the great cleavage canyon," blinded you to the hazards. Before you pack up...just the hiking boots, really, make sure you weigh the risks...and then, of course, get around them so that you can enjoy the benefits.

The Sunburn, OH The Sunburn...
It's a long plane ride back from Switzerland, and there is no culture in which rooting around down there in your packed coach cabin is appropriate, nor will anyone be interested in helping you apply aloe to your peeling flakiness where the sun shouldn't have shone. Just saying, rename him Mr. Zinc-ie for the day. Which brings to mind the...

Hiker's Tan.
How embarrassing - your back, front, up, and downtown are perfectly matched, only to be totally ruined by over-the-ankle pallor. What to do? Hike shoeless. That will really take you back to nature.

Target Suing You...

...for that distinctive ring-shaped pattern on your left buttocks. It may seem like a sexy tattoo alternative now, but you should probably still try not to get lyme six to eight separate locations. Protect yourself with varying degrees of, mmmm...clothes? Or just a very thorough body-search post-hike. Like, really thorough. You should probably charge his/her health insurance company thorough.

Actually, this is a great "ace in the hole" sort of picture to have around in case your partner foolishly decides that s/he can manage without you. Pretend you're taking pictures of "the scenery" and go to it.

What about the GORP?

Sure, you could lug around a big heavy backpack, but wouldn't that defeat the purpose? And think of the chafing! Try a batman-style utility belt for little necessities like trail mix, your camera, and an extra pair of sunglasses. That, or just rely on your natural crevices, and forage for...twigs and berries along the trail.