You've had your eye on that special lady for awhile; from your command post at the end of the block, and the one just outside her office, and the cameras you've set up in the trees nearest her bedroom window. Now it's time to show her how much you care by celebrating your shared love with the sort of gift that no one else could give ... because you'll sign the attached note in your own blood. Maybe if she just sees your blood, she'll understand how she pulses through you, and makes you itchy all over, and keeps you up nights, GOD, it BURNS.
Make it a Valentine's she'll never, ever be able to forget, no matter how many sessions she and her therapist devote to it, with these handy tips:
*Nothing says "I love you" like burning those words into her front lawn! Make it personal; is she a green freak? Use an organic accelerant! Know from what you've found in the recycling bin that she wears Chanel? You'd be surprised how lovely it smells when it's being burned into sod! Is her favorite movie American Beauty? Make sure to film her reaction from a carefully concealed location, then send her the movie anonymously later as a lovely follow-up gift!
In fact, make sure you film it no matter what. You're gonna want to have a copy of that on hand.
* Sometimes the real meaning of the holiday can get lost under all the commercial trappings. Put the "Saint" back in Saint Valentine's day this year with a traditional gift: the artfully arranged corpse of a pet (Don't worry -- you can move up to even more highly valued loved ones when you two get more serious!)
The martyrdom of a spiritual innocent will remind her of the true meaning of the season, and the fact that there's no trace of the head will let her know who's really in control of who gets to nuzzle whom around here.
* Sure, uncomfortably expensive presents are nice, but sometimes those little gestures - fixing the shower cam, weaving a hair doll from what you've found in her pipes, sewage, and pillow, or taking the time to implant the GPS tracking device under her skin yourself, by hand - mean a lot more.
* Spice up your love story with a little game play!
Make her night into a very naughty version of Let's Make a Deal with a box of decadent chocolates ... and a hidden roofie.
If she doesn't seem in the mood for game play, press her buttons by pressing play on the video you made of Mr. Kittikens looking very much in need of mommy's help, wearing just the most adorable sign around his neck about how her cooperation is the only way to save his life. Now you know why you saved that head!
Here's the real deal you're making: they're all roofied.
* All any woman is really looking for is an intimate candlelit dinner with her knight in shining armor.
After you've given her the chocolate appetizer, lock the door to make sure no one interrupts your special time. Once you candle-light the curtains, she won't know what's more overwhelming: the beautiful, and unproveable-as-arson, flame of your love for her, the smoke inhalation, or the roofies starting to kick in.
If all your careful Valentine's planning doesn't win her over, the daring rescue you'll stage will guarantee that she'll see you as her savior forevermore! It will help, of course, if you ensure that she never gets a chance to see anyone else again, just in case you're not the type to count on retrograde amnesia to do your wooing for you!
And don't forget to make it about her -- now would be a great time to use up the rest of that highly-flammable perfume and organic accelerant, just to make sure she knows you're really committed to getting her out of this her way, or maybe succumbing with her, Romeo and Juliet style, as a final act of devotion.
If that doesn't spell true love, trace over the words another time with a freshly-sliced fingertip.