The End of Cathy

After 34 years, Cathy Guisewite's autobiographical strip, "Cathy," recently came to an end. For those true fans who just can't get enough, here are some alternate endings:

Cathy is in the Doctor's office.
[Panel 1: Doctor is looking at chart]
Cathy: What's the word, doc?

[Panel 2:]
Doctor: I'm afraid it's bad news. Your entire venal system has been replaced with chocolate

[Panel 3:]
Cathy: Ack! Better than being replaced with sex, though, am I right?

[Panel 4: Cathy collapses, dead.]

* * *

Cathy runs into a shoe store
[Panel 1: Cathy runs up to a shelf of shoes]
Cathy: The latest styles!

[Panel 2: The entire shelving unit topples over onto Cathy]
Cathy: ACK!

[Panel 3: Saleswoman is looking at the wreckage]
Saleswoman: That's what I call well-heeled.

* * *

Cathy is sitting inside her kitchen
[Panel 1: Cathy picks up the phone.]
Cathy: Let me guess, it's you again, mom

[Panel 2: Showing mom in front of a door on a cell phone]
Mom: Yes it is! Have you found a way to give me any grandchildren yet?

[Panel 3:]
Cathy: No, Mom. Geez, you're worse than my last date-night!

[Panel 4: Mother, who had been in front of Cathy's apartment all along, blasts her way through the door, and Cathy, with her double-barrel shotgun.]
Mom: I told you there would be consequences if you didn't give me grandchildren.

* * *

Cathy is in the dressing room at the department store
[Panel 1: Cathy in a swimsuit]
Cathy: When did my love handles grow muffin tops?

[Panel 2: Saleslady enters as Cathy points frantically at her bulges]
Saleslady: Is everything alright in here?
Cathy: Do you have anything with enough panels and spanxes to take care of this?

[Panel 3:]
Saleswoman: Actually, I'm sorry to tell you this, but I used to work as an oncology nurse, and that is definitely a metastasized tumor.

[Panel 4: Saleswoman is shrugging in a "what are you gonna do?" way]
Saleswoman: And to think, I left that job to escape the stress!
Cathy: (weeping)

* * *

Cathy's husband, Irving, walks into their house
[Panel 1: Cathy is holding her throat, choking. An empty box of chocolates is next to her on the counter.]
Irving: Oh my god, are you okay?

[Panel 2: Irving is administering the Heimlich maneuver]

[Panel 3 (large): Irving and the family are gathered graveside, crying. The headstone reads "Cathy."]
Irving: The one time she doesn't say ack ack!

* * *

Cathy is lying on a gurney, rigid, with a doctor and a nurse standing over her
[Panel 1: Doctor is looking at chart]
Doctor: Hmm, weight issues, a tense relationship with her mother, a husband that had trouble committing, compulsive overeating followed by extreme guilt -- I think our patient has literally been paralyzed by her insecurities.

[Panel 2: The doctor and nurse look at each other, intensely.]

[Panel 3: The doctor and nurse look at Cathy, intensely. She hasn't moved or spoken]

[Panel 4: Doctor and nurse exeunt.]