After 34 years, Cathy Guisewite's autobiographical strip, "Cathy," recently came to an end. For those true fans who just can't get enough, here are some alternate endings:
Cathy is in the Doctor's office.
[Panel 1: Doctor is looking at chart]
Cathy: What's the word, doc?
[Panel 2:]
Doctor: I'm afraid it's bad news. Your entire venal system has been replaced with chocolate
[Panel 3:]
Cathy: Ack! Better than being replaced with sex, though, am I right?
[Panel 4: Cathy collapses, dead.]
* * *
Cathy runs into a shoe store
[Panel 1: Cathy runs up to a shelf of shoes]
Cathy: The latest styles!
[Panel 2: The entire shelving unit topples over onto Cathy]
Cathy: ACK!
[Panel 3: Saleswoman is looking at the wreckage]
Saleswoman: That's what I call well-heeled.
* * *
Cathy is sitting inside her kitchen
[Panel 1: Cathy picks up the phone.]
Cathy: Let me guess, it's you again, mom
[Panel 2: Showing mom in front of a door on a cell phone]
Mom: Yes it is! Have you found a way to give me any grandchildren yet?
[Panel 3:]
Cathy: No, Mom. Geez, you're worse than my last date-night!
[Panel 4: Mother, who had been in front of Cathy's apartment all along, blasts her way through the door, and Cathy, with her double-barrel shotgun.]
Mom: I told you there would be consequences if you didn't give me grandchildren.
* * *
Cathy is in the dressing room at the department store
[Panel 1: Cathy in a swimsuit]
Cathy: When did my love handles grow muffin tops?
[Panel 2: Saleslady enters as Cathy points frantically at her bulges]
Saleslady: Is everything alright in here?
Cathy: Do you have anything with enough panels and spanxes to take care of this?
[Panel 3:]
Saleswoman: Actually, I'm sorry to tell you this, but I used to work as an oncology nurse, and that is definitely a metastasized tumor.
[Panel 4: Saleswoman is shrugging in a "what are you gonna do?" way]
Saleswoman: And to think, I left that job to escape the stress!
Cathy: (weeping)
* * *
Cathy's husband, Irving, walks into their house
[Panel 1: Cathy is holding her throat, choking. An empty box of chocolates is next to her on the counter.]
Irving: Oh my god, are you okay?
[Panel 2: Irving is administering the Heimlich maneuver]
[Panel 3 (large): Irving and the family are gathered graveside, crying. The headstone reads "Cathy."]
Irving: The one time she doesn't say ack ack!
* * *
Cathy is lying on a gurney, rigid, with a doctor and a nurse standing over her
[Panel 1: Doctor is looking at chart]
Doctor: Hmm, weight issues, a tense relationship with her mother, a husband that had trouble committing, compulsive overeating followed by extreme guilt -- I think our patient has literally been paralyzed by her insecurities.
[Panel 2: The doctor and nurse look at each other, intensely.]
[Panel 3: The doctor and nurse look at Cathy, intensely. She hasn't moved or spoken]
[Panel 4: Doctor and nurse exeunt.]