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The Private Dick


"The Central Intelligence Agency withheld information about a secret counterterrorism program from Congress for eight years on direct orders from former Vice President Dick Cheney." - The New York Times


Lately, there are two types of Dick Cheney news: the "criticizing previously thought-to-be unobjectionable Democratic goals and/or policies" interview and the "guess what else he did/ approved of/used thumbscrews on while in office?" revelation.

Thanks to a staff with a seemingly endless willingness to reveal the closely-held secrets of their former overlord...er, boss, we recently got access to a few as-yet unknown installments of the latter variety:

* In recently released transcripts of some of Mr. Cheney's wiretapped phone calls, it was discovered that Dick Cheney is, in his own words, "just a massive Barbra Streisand fan. I mean, that woman has chutzpah."

Mr. Cheney's publicist could not be immediately reached for comment, though his message was rather suggestive: "Hello, Dolly! I needed a vacation 'more than you know,' so I'll be out of the office for a few days for a little 'funny girl' time with 'people' at 'a happening in Central Park.' If you need to reach me immediately, please call-er me Barbra. Okay, okay, kidding! I mean please dial 0 to be redirected."

* Despite multiple warnings from doctors, and health scares before and during his term in office, Mr. Cheney's reimbursement receipts show that the only battles he was directly involved in while master-minding the war in Iraq were Big Mac attacks.

* Has seen Titanic 327 times. Though this could not be confirmed as of press time, it is rumored that his ring tone is "My Heart Will Go On."

* Fairly early in his first term, Mr. Cheney sent out invitations to an "all night Vice (and I mean that both ways!) Presidential pyjama party!"

Not a single soul showed up. Condie had even RSVP'd that she would be there.

His diary entry from the night of the party-that-never-was, dated September 10, 2001, is mostly illegible, bordered around with cuss words written in red sharpie. A scrawl in the center of the page that was decipherable rather ominously says "I will make them spend time with me. One way or another, I'll show them how great I am, I'll show them!"

* Suffers from a rare, often painful condition known colloquially as a "webbed anus."

* Though much of the "pork-barrel spending" running rampant during the early 2000s went to pet-projects of individual senators and the interest groups that held a strong sway in their constituencies, Mr. Cheney himself introduced legislation (with the help of a senator very deeply in his pocket, whose name may or may not rhyme with "Brom Durmond...") that would dedicate some millions of dollars to "Yeti research stations." The bill passed.

* Subscriptions delivered to the office of the Vice President during Cheney's tenure: The Wall Street Journal, The New York Times, The Washington Post, The National Review, The New Republic, The Economist, and Cosmo Girl!

* Birth name: Ricky Tikki Tembo, No-Sa Rembo, Chari-Bari Ruchi-Pip Peri-Pembo Cheney, which his parents had changed to "Richard" after a harrowing incident involving a well around the age of eight.

* Despite the fact that his position as vice president had, by definition, only limited powers, Cheney single-handedly set up a CIA anti-terrorism program, which program he kept secret from Congress for the entirety of his two terms as vice president, though such secrecy was illegal.

Okay, okay, sorry, I know. That last one just sounds silly.