This is Wal-Mart's Year, Whether You Like it or Not!

03/20/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Wal-Mart may have posted a slight decrease in profits in 2008, but their sales, which came in at $108bn, were the highest the company's ever seen, prompting Eduardo Castro-Wright, CEO of Wal-Mart stores USA, to predict that "this is Wal-Mart's time." It begs two questions, 1.) what would you call the last 20 years of suburban takeover and 2.) what can they do in the next year to fulfill this prophecy and up the ante even further?

Here's how they can make sure that no one gets away.

Wal-Mart has always operated on a rapid-growth model, and next year we're gonna take it to the people! 2009 is set to be the year when Americans think bigger than ever before, and we here at Wal-Mart are going to help them feed that need...with end-of-the-aisle displays of their favorite snack products, in convenient bulk sizes. For increased turnaround, place displays less than 100 steps from the entrance. Prominently display "Alli" products nearby for an easy upsell.

Wal-Mart has always encouraged small business owners -- after all, Sam Walton was just a small-town man with big ideas! This year, encourage them to take a job as a greeter after they shutter their own dreams -- nothing like putting a local face on each of our stores!

Remind shoppers how many damaging fossil fuels they're releasing into the environment by not giving in to the convenience of one-stop shopping. If possible, do so with a baby bunny in hand.

Big competitors are unfortunately having to close their doors this year -- let's see this as an opportunity! Yes, our TVs might not be built in the same countries with the same quality standards as those you'd find at Circuit City, but you don't have to deal with snotty know-it-alls when you're choosing! Lane Bryant is gone, but the Jaclyn Smith collection caters to "voluptuous" women, too! You have stated categorically that you'll never shop at a Wal-Mart, but really, what are your options?!

We accept food stamps!