This is Wal-Mart's Year, Whether You Like it or Not!

Wal-Mart may have posted a slight decrease in profits in 2008, but their sales, which came in at $108bn, were the highest the company's ever seen, prompting Eduardo Castro-Wright, CEO of Wal-Mart stores USA, to predict that "this is Wal-Mart's time." It begs two questions, 1.) what would you call the last 20 years of suburban takeover and 2.) what can they do in the next year to fulfill this prophecy and up the ante even further?

Here's how they can make sure that no one gets away.

GROWTH:
Wal-Mart has always operated on a rapid-growth model, and next year we're gonna take it to the people! 2009 is set to be the year when Americans think bigger than ever before, and we here at Wal-Mart are going to help them feed that need...with end-of-the-aisle displays of their favorite snack products, in convenient bulk sizes. For increased turnaround, place displays less than 100 steps from the entrance. Prominently display "Alli" products nearby for an easy upsell.

COMMUNITY INTEGRATION:
Wal-Mart has always encouraged small business owners -- after all, Sam Walton was just a small-town man with big ideas! This year, encourage them to take a job as a greeter after they shutter their own dreams -- nothing like putting a local face on each of our stores!

GOING GREEN:
Remind shoppers how many damaging fossil fuels they're releasing into the environment by not giving in to the convenience of one-stop shopping. If possible, do so with a baby bunny in hand.

REACHING NEW MARKETS:
Big competitors are unfortunately having to close their doors this year -- let's see this as an opportunity! Yes, our TVs might not be built in the same countries with the same quality standards as those you'd find at Circuit City, but you don't have to deal with snotty know-it-alls when you're choosing! Lane Bryant is gone, but the Jaclyn Smith collection caters to "voluptuous" women, too! You have stated categorically that you'll never shop at a Wal-Mart, but really, what are your options?!

ALTERNATIVE OPTIONS:
We accept food stamps!

Comments

[Jonah Kanin]

Jilly this article is sweet awesome (like your others). I especially liked the bunny. and the food stamps. I also like the word 'voluptuous'. I just mean in general. Also in your article.

WOOOOOoooo­oooooooooo­OOooOooo. you rule.

ps zombies and kitties.

[Jilly Gagnon - Huffpost Blogger]

and babies out to getcha'.

thanks, jonah.

[Gusser]

Judging by the few Walmarts I've been in (I always go disguised) the "growth" part has already happened-------both in employee size as well as store size.

[Jilly Gagnon - Huffpost Blogger]

True, true, but the american people have an ability to grow outward that's unparalleled.

[E. Jean Carroll - Huffpost Blogger]

I have bought GALLONS of wine at the Walmart-----while going through Basic Training at Fort Leonard Wood in Missouri (on assignment for CBS). And I raise a toast to you, Jilly! Another fabulous piece.

[Jilly Gagnon - Huffpost Blogger]

I can't even imagine what you plus wine did to those poor boys' heads. If only I could have been there...dr­inking.

[TMLong]

If they ever start selling wine... forget it. I'll never shop anywhere else. So long as I shall live.

[Jilly Gagnon - Huffpost Blogger]

Switch your allegiance to costco - they have whole liquor SECTIONS.

[bgrotto]

Imagine what would happen if Walmart started getting liquor licenses! Holy crap, we'd be screwed!

[TMLong]

This must be why I feel compelled to wear a "don't judge me" sign each time I begrudgingly walk through Wally-Worlds always-open front doors.

It's the friggen 20 glazed donuts freshly baked for 5 bucks that gets me.

[Jilly Gagnon - Huffpost Blogger]

what? let's go! NOW!!

[kparadis]

I love that I can buy a giant jar of PB, mayo, my perscription, and a new spiffy outfit. All for under $100. BUT then I feel bad about myself. Great piece Jilly.

[Jilly Gagnon - Huffpost Blogger]

That "feeling bad" is what makes you a good person. A good, poorer, person.

[crufo]

(the commenting feature is being dumb, hence commenting as a reply)

Jilly, this is a thoughtful, informative piece of journalism. I only wish you hadn't neglected to address one of the most important facets of this issue, the Wall-Mart Cheer: http://walmartstores.com/AboutUs/320.aspx