Your Best Beard Ever!
We're a month into the new year, and all those drunken promises to pull yourself together, start caring about personal hygiene, stop living off of Ho-Hos exclusively have fallen as flat as the Korbel still sitting half-empty in the back of your fridge. What you need is the kind of change that takes no concerted effort, money, or real intentions of self-betterment. What you need is your best beard ever.
Find where you fit in below and sit back and grow accordingly.
Your Favorite (Creepy) Grandpa
Thick, bristling, perfectly trimmed mustaches don't just happen, at least not to just anybody. Like the shape of the bumps on your head, the shape of your mustache indicates innate personal characteristics. If it follows the Wilford Brimley bell-shaped pattern, you are, and always will be, a (sorta creepy) grandpa at heart, maybe a chubby cop en route. You can run a razor over it, but you can't hide -- so embrace it, and buy some Werther's.
Amish Country
They wear serious hats, they drive charming buggies, and man do the Amish grow them some beards. If the pants under the Williamsburgers' uniform plaid shirts weren't so godlessly tight, you'd swear they must have grown up on the farm. Best option for the extremely lazy or those going through withdrawal symptoms.
The Hair-and-There
Not all of us can grow a full, majestic face-halo, but don't let that stop you -- the Hair-and-there is an every(wo)man's beard. Just don't pluck eyebrows or stray mole hairs, miss a waxing appointment or two, and try to appear in lights that mimic those 5 o'clock shadows you so desperately crave. Celebrity fans include Zac Efron and Dame Judy Dench.
The Full-on Wolfman
Feral children aren't just an attraction for the Ringling Brothers anymore! The wolfman is a serious commitment, not for the weak of heart (or the weak of hair), but the payoff is huge -- just look how much bigger Harrison Ford's head looked before he found that razor in The Fugitive!
The Molestache
Nothing says "keep your kids away" like a penciled-in-looking few inches of lip-fuzz. Often seen on the totally-post-pubescent teen crowd, the Molestache is sure to turn heads...furtively, before they pull phones out to call for help. Ahh, the power of facial hair.
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Dr. Abraham Froman: Capitalizing on the Year of the Mustache
Since the tail end of the 1970s, the Mustached American has faced grave roadblocks in his or her efforts to gain equal treatment within American society.
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LOL!! This article needs photos!
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You're right, it does, but my growing powers are limited. Right now I'm working on a single entry into the "hair-and-there" category. As i lack shame, though, I can promise you that, once that puppy's grown, I'll post the pic somewhere. Send me your own entries, by all means!
Don't forget about the "I'm going hunting and I need to grow a beard so I am more manly" beard. You are hilarious. By the way, who is Wilford Brimley.
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wilford brimley has appeared as a character actor in many fabulous shows, including "Walker: Texas Ranger." he is also the "i have dia-beetis. Get your supplies delivered by Liberty medical" guy.
Am I in the right place? I thought this was a posting about Katie Holmes.
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She's in there. Her "full on wolfman" shields prying eyes from seeing into places they, or maybe just TomKat, would rather they not see...
As a lady, I've always been jealous of the ability to grow a big ol' beard - especially in the cold weather. They're like built-in scarves that cloak the face in warmth. Now I simply must ask: does the "no-tee," my personal favorite style, count as a beard? How about 18th-centu
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I understand the jealousy - perhaps it's why I did my costumed 4th-grade report on a "historical figure" on galileo..a
All these styles count, to be sure. This is just a highlights reel...
Baby's love to play with beards and mustaches. I don't know where you get the "creepy" aspect. Also, my wife seems to like it. Leave it at that.
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You're luring babies in with the temptation of beards? I mean, you're lobbing that one to me...
But only the "creepy grandpa" is creepy - grow a matching beard, and you've got a wolfman! Ta da! No creep, just mane!
Damn those bald spots on my cheeks! I'll never have the "Full-on Wolfman" I so desire!!
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But you try, and that's what counts.
I know I'm going to like an article that includes keywords "Zac Efron" AND "Wilford Brimley. Wow.
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They often go together in my dreams...e
hee hee. I have always wanted a beard. And in the winter I kinda get a mustache.
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We ain't nothin' but mammals, after all.
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