The Psalms Of Donald

What could be a spectacle less comprehensible than evangelical Christians stumping for Trump? Even the arch-conservative students at fundamentalist Liberty University know better. They've protested the endorsement of The Donald by Liberty's president, Jerry Falwell Junior.

And through what theological wormhole did Franklin Graham pass in order to declare that Trump is a great leader comparable to David, the morally flawed king of Israel? Really, Son of Billy: Donald does not equal David. For starters, there's the fact that David was capable of embarrassment.

And then there are the Psalms.

So I ask you, Franklin Graham, and I ask you, Jerry Falwell Junior: WWDD? What would Donald do, if he were writing the Psalms? Here are my best guesses:

Psalm 23
A Psalm of Donald.

The Lord is my tax accountant, I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in gold sofas;
he leads me beside still water features on my golf courses;
he restores my soul.
He leads me down the paths of self-promotion
for my name's sake.

Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of bankruptcy,
I fear no evil;
for my lawyers are with me;
my rod and my staff--
they comfort me.

You prepare a blackjack table before me
in the presence of Crooked Hillary;
you anoint my head with orange tint;
my ego runneth over.
Surely huge success and fantastic wealth shall follow me
all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the Tower of Trump
forever.

Psalm 118
A Psalm of Donald.

O give thanks to me, for I am good;
my steadfast love endures for ever!

Let America say,
'His steadfast love endures for ever.'
Let the House of Congress say,
'His steadfast love endures for ever.'
Let those who fear Donald Trump say,
'His steadfast love endures for ever.'

Out of my distress I called on myself;
I answered myself and set myself in a broad place.
With myself on my side I do not fear.
What can mortals do to me?
I am on my side to help myself,
I shall look in triumph on those who hate me.
It is better to take refuge in myself
than to put confidence in mortals.
It is better to take refuge in myself
than to put confidence in opinion polls.

All nations surrounded me;
in the name of Trump I cut them off!
They surrounded me, surrounded me on every side;
in the name of Trump I cut them off!
They surrounded me like bees;
they blazed like a fire of thorns;
in the name of Trump I cut them off!
The biased media pushed me hard, so that I was falling,
but I helped myself.
I am my strength and my might;
I have become my salvation.

There are glad songs of victory in the campaign offices of the righteous:

'The right hand of Trump does valiantly;
the right hand of Trump is exalted;
the right hand of Trump does valiantly.'
I shall not die, but I shall live,
and recount the deeds of the Donald.
The pundits punished me severely,
but did not give me over to death.

Open to me the gates of righteousness,
that I may enter through them
and give thanks to myself.

This is the gate of the Donald,
the righteous shall enter through it.

I thank you that you have answered me
and have accepted my salvation.
The stone that the builders rejected
has become the chief cornerstone of my casino.
This is my doing;
it is marvelous in my eyes.
This is the day that the Trump has made;
let us rejoice and be glad in it.
The people cry: 'Save us, we beseech you, O Trump!
O Donald, we beseech you, give us success!'

Blessed is the one who comes in the name of Donald Trump!
I bless you from the Tower of Trump!
Donald is the Trump
and he has given you light.
Bind the festal procession with branches,
up to the horns of the altar.

I am your Donald, and you will give thanks to me,
I am your Trump, you will extol me.