I don't mean to name drop, but I'm friends with Jon Swift. No, seriously! Check it out! Nice guy. Reasonable conservative. Great with children. Anyway, he and I have great conversations, and as a result of our witty banter I've solved the problem in Iraq. We will soon be free to move on and focus on other issues.
What amazed me was how simple the answer really is. Take a look at the situation. The Iraq war is getting really expensive. Fortunately we're not paying for it with our own money. That we reserve for things like abstinence-only education, faith-based initiatives, and pumping our seniors full of prescription drugs. Rather than soil our own cash with an endeavor such as Iraq, we've elected to borrow the money from China.
Using Chinese money, then, we have overthrown Saddam and brought peace and stability to the region -- or at least that was how it was supposed to go. Sadly this part hasn't gone according to plan. A violent insurgency persists. The Iraqi's seem to prefer expressing their newfound freedom on a concrete canvas with blood and hot lead rather than the crinkly parchment of a Jeffersonian Constitution. Since we seem to lack both the will and the manpower to put down this insurgency, I say let's outsource the problem!
What the world needs is a stable Iraq. What America needs is a quick way to pay off some of its credit card debt. And what China needs is oil. Lots and lots of oil. How to accommodate all three needs? Simple. Give Iraq to China. Bingo! Problem solved! Why not? They paid for it, didn't they? And they're great at putting down insurgencies! Best of all, they'll be able to take care of their own oil needs without dorking up the rest of the world market.
China gets its oil, we get some fiscal leverage back, and the world gets a strong and stable government in Iraq. It's a win-win-win! As an unintended benefit this solution frees up all those U.S. troops who we're going to need for phase two of my "Plan to solve all of America's problems" -- the invasion of Mexico.
But that is another story for another day. For now I bid you adieu by simply professing that I, in the sincerity of my heart, have not the least personal interest in endeavoring to promote this necessary work, having no other motive than the public good of my country.