It's funny, but here we are 42 months into the 2008 presidential election season, and no one has asked the single most important question of any presidential race -- Would I have a beer with this person? At least I assume that's the most important question of the election season. It was, after all, the defining characteristic of George W. Bush that caused a barely perceptible majority to prefer his candidacy over that of John Kerry in 2004.
And who could blame them, really? When couched in terms of alcohol consumption, who wouldn't pick W. over Kerry? I mean, which would you rather be doing? Playing beer pong over a couple glasses of PBR with W. at "Toby Keith's I Love This Bar," or the awkward silence accompanying the delivery of John Kerry's bubbling blue fruity beverage with the cherry and the pink umbrella delivered between the butt cheeks of the assless chaps wearing bartender at Ramrod on Boylston?
As crucial as this issue was in 2004, it's been largely ignored today, which is surprising because I'd have thought for sure that the news media would be this desperate for any new bullshit topic to talk about. I mean, screw the Middle East, health care, and the economy. Who's going to be my next Chief Executive Drinking Buddy?
So once again, I'm left to do the news media's job for them, as I imagine a bar filled with all the presidential hopefuls. Here's what would happen...
If I had a beer with...
Barack Obama: Barack's my guy, so I'd like to start with him from the point of being stone sober. I'd like to hear more about his ideas for health care. I was such a fan of Kerry's simple but ingenious plan in 2004, so I'd probably stump for that some.
By the time we get to the second beer I'd mention how the Bulls really screwed up when the decided not to trade Lual Deng and Ben Gordon for Pau Gasol last season. Seriously, man, a front court of Ben Wallace and Pau Gasol would lock down any other 4-5 combo in the East. With Heinrich dishing the rock and Noccioni filling it up from 3-point land... it would've been the Unstop-a-Bulls all over again.
An otherwise pleasant conversation would be ruined, however, as, reinforced by countless right-wing smears, I inadvertently refer to him as "Osama Obama."
Ron Paul: I'd start the conversation by singing a few bars of John Lennon's "Revolution," but I'll stop when it's obvious he doesn't know the song. My impression is that drinking with Ron would be a lot like drinking with my cranky Great Uncle. Here's what I know about Ron - If there's an issue, he's against it. The Iraq War, the IRS, publicly financed health care, Immigration reform, Social Security. "No, no, no, a thousand times no" seems to be his campaign mantra. Where's the "love," man?
I imagine my time drinking with Ron will consist largely of him asking the waitress to list the beers they serve, followed by as many variations on the word "no" as there are beers on tap. Finally he'd order a Dewar's and soda, by which time I'll have moved on to my next drinking buddy.
John Edwards: I've always wanted to ask John how in the Hell he lost a debate with Dick Cheney. I'm thinking either Cheney used a Jedi Mind Trick right before the debate started, or was holding one of his children hostage until the debate was over. Also, I'd like to ask about that nervous tick he has where he waggles his tongue between sentences. "Dude, you need to lock that down."
Dennis Kucinich: After a few drinks and some awkward policy talk I'd work up the nerve to ask the most important question - what's the deal with him and that obscenely hot wife of his? "Seriously, bro...how'd you hook that up? I don't care how funny you think you are. All the comedy in the world doesn't explain how a guy like you winds up with a hottie like that." Things would deteriorate rapidly from there until finally, after my 6th beer I would insist that I had caught him fair and square, and I was now entitled to his pot of gold. That would probably end the conversation.
Fred Thompson: Like Dennis, the first issue to address would be that of the reasonably hot Jeri Thompson. Over a beer I'd probably feel compelled to ask about Florence Nightingale syndrome, and how long Jeri had been Fred's homecare nurse before they fell in love. I've often wondered if my marriage could survive the horrors of incontinence, and I'd ask how much easier it was for them to start from there and move forward. Later I would have to ask what life was like for Fred as a Podling, and how bad it must have been when the Skeksis drained his essence. Jeri would laugh, but Fred wouldn't get it, proving that there's something fundamentally wrong with that relationship.
Mitt Romney: Mitt's religion forbids drinking, so he's disqualified from this exercise. Also, according to the 2004 media narrative, he can't win the election. Moving on.
Rudy Giuliani: There's really only one thing you can do when you're drinking with Rudy -- play the Giuliani Drinking Game. I don't even have to say a word to get him started. Just take a drink every time he says 9/11. Fifteen minutes and untold glasses of beer later, I'd be looking to bail just to avoid alcohol poisoning. On the plus side, Rudy would spot the future Ex-Mrs. Giuliani across the bar. They would be Wed in December, a few weeks before his previous divorce is finalized.
John McCain: Still lit from the Giuliani Drinking Game, my internal monologue is more or less destroyed as I sit down for a beer with John. As such, I would likely start with something like "Dude...you used to have balls, man! What happened to your balls! How could you let Bush do that to you? He attacked your adopted daughter and you just...you just TOOK it, man!"
Hillary Clinton: Again, my beverage with Hill-Dogg would probably start the same way. "Dude...you used to have balls, man! What happened to your balls! He just slept with anyone he felt like, and you just ...you just TOOK it, man!" Inexplicably, however, by the time she was done talking to me she would become my favorite candidate. How does she do that!? It's like she took Cheney's "I can make you suck at debating me" powers!
Writing a check to her campaign for the maximum amount, I leave the Candidates Bar. I've got some serious sobering up to do, and I wouldn't want to be me in the morning. Especially when I see how much I just gave Hillary! I hail a cab and head for home.
So, which candidate would you like to have a beer with? And what would you talk about? Discuss.