The following is most definitely NOT a transcript of President Obama's monologue before the White House Correspondents Dinner Saturday night...
Do we have any folks from Arizona here?
Let me see your papers.
Where's Carl Levin?
Carl. Who do you think you are... Rahm?
I guess I've got to teach you what I tell my kids.
The "s" word's a bad word.
You just can't go around using it in public.
Use different words. You should have been saying,
"Boy that Timberwolf was one poopy deal."
Or, "How much of that kaki deal did you sell to your clients?"
"You knew it was a BM deal, didn't you?"
Are you guys going to the Bloomberg-Vanity Fair party?
I'm heading over to the Goldman Sachs gig.
Those guys know how to party like it's 2007!
Of course, they're betting against you having a good time.
But Fabulous Fab's the DJ. The ladies sure like Fab.
I know it's a tough ticket. But I'm not worried.
I'm going in with the Salahi's.
I know you're all wondering who I'll name to the Supreme Court.
Well, I'd like to go with someone who comes from outside the legal system
...like the great Earl Warren.
And of course, another woman on the court would be terrific.
Ideally, a person of color.
Yep, you guessed it. I'm naming Snooki....
...she's WAY outside the legal system
....and hey, tan's a color!
Speaking of Arizona, I see they also want to pass a law
...requiring candidates to certify their citizenship
before their names can appear on the ballot.
I've got an idea...
Why don't they pass a law
...requiring legislators to certify their sanity
before their bills can appear in the hopper?
But to tell you the truth, let them pass that birth certificate bill.
Make my day.
Doesn't bother me a bit.
In fact, I'll just pick up a copy of mine when I'm in Indonesia next month.
Is that ripple of laughter really for me?
Or is Congressman Massa just making his way over to the bar?
I took the girls to see "Alice in Wonderland" the other day.
Afterwards, Malia said,
"Dad, that Tea Party scene's really crazy.
I couldn't understand what they were talking about."
"Yeah, you're right," I said. "I couldn't agree more. Makes no sense...
....But tell me, what did you think about the movie?"
As you know, about a month ago,
I called for more oil drilling off the coastline of America.
....Ummm, can I take a mulligan on that?
Isn't there something in the Constitution about at least one do-over per term?
I see Sarah Palin has written a glowing profile of Glenn Beck
for Time magazine's "100 Most Influential Americans" list.
"Glenn's like the high school government teacher so many wish they'd had," she wrote.
What high school in hell is she possibly talking about?
She goes on to write, "Glenn, 46, tackles topics other news shows would regard as arcane."
Arcane? I think she meant to use a word that rhymes with arcane...
I had the Yankees over at the White House the other day.
Got a call from Governor McDonnell.
He's demanding equal time for the Confederates.
That's all for tonight, ladies and gentlemen.
And remember. Whichever party you go to tonight,
When you want to get out of it...
...just follow Charlie Crist.
Follow Jim Kennedy on Twitter: www.twitter.com/jimkennedy250