06/28/2010 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Habeas Coyote Corpus

"The more ignorant you are, the quicker you fight." ~ Will Rogers

The governor of Texas is a weinie. I can't reach any other conclusion after reading the report about him shooting a coyote that threatened his daughter's puppy. Rick Perry said that he was jogging on a hill country trail near where he lives in a rented home and the animal came out and threatened his little dawgie. Governor Gun pulled out a Ruger and sent the coyote to the big lonesome and empty prairie coyotes go to when governors gun them down.

But I've got some questions, your governorship.

First, I can say I've run thousands of miles on trails in Texas and I have never once thought of carrying a gun. Well, yeah, a squirt gun. I used to have a Doberman that came after me on a dirt road and I solved that by mixing some ammonia into water and putting it into a little squirt gun. Got the big dog in the eyeballs next time he came barking after me and when he saw me pass by a few days later he ran away more like a chicken than a dog. No shot fired in anger.

Perry said he carried the gun because he was afraid of snakes and that a number of people living in that area have lost pets to wild animals. Well, Governor Gun, that's the way nature is ordered. Big fish eat little fish. Wild animal eat domestic animal. You don't want your cat turned into a coyote hairball, keep it in the house. But afraid of snakes and you carry a gun? I don't know any trail runner under the Lone Star sky that hasn't come across a rattler or seven. And not one of them ever said, "Hey, I think I'll carry a gun and kill rattlers the next time." Unless you surprise a rattler, it's going to slither away real danged fast. And governor, I've seen you run; you aren't going to surprise a snake or a turtle.

Too much of yer yarn just doesn't make a hell of a lot of sense. Whenever I see you plodding around Lady Bird Lake, you generally have two DPS guys, but always at least one trailing you. Sometimes they run. Often they are on bikes. And they have guns. What the hell do you need a gun on a running trail for when you've got, according to the AP story, two DPS security guys running with you? Three guns and one coyote? That's just not an honorable way to handle these things governor, and not the way we do it in Texas.

And, although I've never done it, seems to me like running and carrying a gun has to be kind of uncomfortable. I read you were packing your pistol in a holster. I just find it odd that you put on the running shorts, the Nike shoes, a tee shirt, and a ball cap, and then strapped on your coyote widow maker. Who the hell does such a thing? And not just a regular ol' 380 Ruger. This baby has a laser sight. You're really scared, aren't you? Those nasty slithering, phallic things on the ground don't have a chance, do they? Seriously, you are so afraid of snakes that you armed yourself to go for a run? Aren't there some other unsettled issues that you aren't talking about here? Let me also add, be thankful for your Anglo-Saxon heritage. Being ethnic and running with a gun in Texas, on a trail or a road, might end up with a living creature other than an animal being shot.

There's something else. If this happened in February, why are you just now sharing this? It seems to me that you would have been a little excited the day you turned coyote killer and you might have mentioned it to a reporter or a political pal that could have let it slip to someone, somewhere. But nothing until two months later? Sorry, sounds a little too neat. And if you were trying for the tough guy image, whacking a coyote isn't really gonna do that for you. Nor is packin' heat cuz you are afraid of things that go slither in the sun. I guess I have to say I don't believe your story. I need testimony or signed witness statements from your two backup gunmen in the DPS. That might convince me.

Or let's just do this by the books. The law books. If you were accused of being a coyote killer, the law would have to respond to habeas corpus and bring up the body to prove someone had been killed. Or you'd have to be cut loose to deal with more snakes. But let me turn that around on you. Prove you killed a coyote. Habeas coyote corpus. Ah, but you can't produce a body because the critter has been gone for two months. You said he's "mulch."

So's your story, Governor Gun.