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11 Things You've Always Wanted to Know About Lesbian Sex But Were Afraid to Ask

12/10/2013 09:38 am ET | Updated Feb 02, 2016

People often feel comfortable asking me questions about lesbian sex. It happens everywhere from cocktail parties to riding around in New York City taxis. As a sex positive person and porn mogul, I think it's really important to have discussions about lesbian sex. Some lesbians are really annoyed to have to field these types of questions, but I feel that having an open mind and an open ear helps to make people outside of the gay community understand us better.

So, get ready to be schooled! I promise it's the most fun learning you'll have all day.

  • 1 Question: What exactly do you two do?
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  • Answer: The ways we have sex are as varied as straight couples. I'd argue that the sex we have is actually better, because there's not the looming issue of a hard-on and how the hard-on will be serviced. Women are also capable of multiple orgasms, so there is little to no recovery time. We have oral sex, anal sex, penetrative sex and everything in between.
  • 2 Question: Is one of you "the man"?
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  • Answer: This question is always hilarious to me, because it shows how deeply ingrained strict gender roles are. Sometimes there are more masculine women or queer folks who like to be in control, but not always. It all comes down to personal preference, honestly. And not just that one of us is always "a top" and the other "a bottom"... we often switch roles, sometimes during the middle of the same sex session.
  • 3 Question: Is it easier since you're both women and know instinctively what the other likes?
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  • Answer: God, I wish. No, no and no. Just like hetero people, it takes us gay ladies a while to figure out what we like. I had absolutely no idea what the hell I was doing for a good year or so after I started sleeping with women. It wasn't until I met my first girlfriend that I really started to understand how profoundly mind-blowing sex with a woman can be.
  • 4 Question: Do you always use a strap-on?
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  • Answer: No. Again, it depends on the couple, but for me, it's a sort of "special occasion" thing. I also really like to receive anal sex, so I like to have a strap-on penetrate me there, because it feels nice. Some women or queer folks like to incorporate strap-on sex more regularly. Sometimes we role-play and take on a more masculine character, and, for other people, a masculine role feels generally more comfortable for them.
  • 5 5) Question: If you like women, why would you have sex with a girl who looks like a boy? Why not just date a man?
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  • Answer: Because men are men. As a lesbian, I'm attracted to the parts and mind of a woman. Men don't have boobs (well, they do, but they are not developed). I have a very hard time connecting on an emotional level with men. I can have friends that are dudes, but falling in love was tough, because I just don't relate to men in the same way. We don't "click." Also, even with more masculine looking men or queer folks, there is still a feeling of difference from the norm, and that feels right for many of us.
  • 6 Question: If I want to kiss a girl, does that make me a lesbian?
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  • Answer: Not necessarily. Our culture places way too much importance on labels. Maybe you are gay, maybe you aren't. I hope we get to the point in history where it no longer matters. Something like 80% of straight women have lesbian fantasies, so you're in good company.
  • 7 Question: I saw that movie "Blue is the Warmest Color". Is that really how you girls have sex?
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  • Answer: I've been getting this question a lot lately. The answer is yes and no. Lots of lesbians are pissed off about the portrayal of lesbian sex. Some say that the sex is too "porn-ish" and an example of the "male fantasy of lesbian sex". I thought the movie was hot. For me, it was an accurate representation. I like rough sex. I like anal. I can go on and on for a long time. I didn't understand all the hoopla about it being fake. Apparently a lot of women are having different sex than I do.
  • 8 Question: I keep hearing about "scissoring." What is that?
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  • Answer: My friend, film director, Jodi Savitz wrote a great piece about it, so instead of me paraphrasing, I suggest you just go an read it here.
  • 9 Question: What is fisting?
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  • Answer: I wrote an entire column about fisting, so here is the link to go and read it. The column gives a lot of detail.
  • 10 Question: Are you hitting on me?
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  • Answer: Maybe. Are you hot? If so, then I probably am.
  • 11 Question: If I have a "friend" who wants to hook up with a girl... um... how would I tell her a way to make that happen?
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  • Answer: I also wrote two different columns on how and where to meet women. The first one is about online dating and finding love or a one-night stand. The second one is about how to meet women in the real world. My main piece of advice for women who, as Andy Cohen loves to say, want to "take a dip in the lady pond", just be honest. No one wants to be a science experiment, but many lesbians and queer people don't mind about a woman's sexual identity. Have fun, kiddo!

If you have any other questions that you want to be answered, hit me up on Twitter!