What Is Modern Wedding Etiquette?
The wedding season is upon us and here at Debrett's we are frequently asked: what is modern wedding etiquette? Etiquette is constantly evolving and many traditions and conventions don't fit comfortably into the wedding day. Many brides and grooms are throwing the rulebook out of the window in the desire to have the wedding day that they want, rather than one that convention created.
Does this mean that wedding etiquette no longer matters? Not at all. In its purest form, etiquette is about how we communicate and interact with each other. It is how we make those around us feel -- good etiquette lies in consideration for others. So, in the case of a wedding, the care of the guests and the roles of the wedding party -- the best man, ushers (groomsmen) and bridesmaids -- are crucial.
Planning a wedding is, for the most part, the same as organizing a party. Care and attention are required for those who are attending -- they have, after all, often traveled from far afield, bought an expensive gift and forked out for a night's accommodation. Some couples, however, think that merely issuing an invitation and allocating a suitable spot on the seating plan is more than enough provision for the guests.
Good organization and clear communication makes for happy guests and, in turn, happy guests create a better celebratory atmosphere. The couple should think about weddings that they have attended and use their experiences to their advantage. Did they have to wait for endless photographs to be taken of the happy couple and their extended family? Did they know where to park, and were there plenty of ushers on hand to point them in the right direction? Were they well fed and watered? No matter how happy the guests are for the newly weds, all too often they remember a wedding for all the wrong reasons -- delays, bad timing, disorganization, low supplies of drink...
Good advance planning creates the structure of the day, but too many weddings fall down when nobody, apart from the bride and groom, is familiar with the order of events. The key players -- the best man, ushers (groomsmen) and bridesmaids -- must be properly briefed. The bride and groom should be able to relax, safe in the knowledge that everything they've planned is in hand. It is, therefore, good etiquette for the wedding party to understand what's being asked of them, enabling them to fulfill their duties.
The best man has the most important role. He must be a good communicator, a diplomat and work with everyone, from the mother of the bride and the bridesmaids to the caterer and the wedding band. He is also the groom's personal assistant, ensuring that everything runs to plan and that the groom can focus on the important stuff -- such as enjoying the day, rather than worrying that the carefully-chosen canapes aren't circulating.
The ushers (groomsmen) should also work closely with the best man. They are there to help the guests and, in a sense, act as the floor managers of the wedding day. They must make sure that the guests know where to go and that people are in the right place at the right time.
At Debrett's, we recommend that there is one usher for every 50 guests, but most grooms choose more. What many couples also forget is that the ushers set the tone for the entire day as they are the first faces that the wedding guests see when they arrive. They must employ good manners right from the start when they seat the guests and await the arrival of the bride.
The bridesmaids, meanwhile, get off quite lightly. After last minute bridezilla panics, the maid of honor and other bridesmaids should ensure that the bride has her dream wedding. There may be flower girls to keep an eye on, or the odd task here and there, but often the bridesmaids come into their own in the run up to the wedding rather than on the actual day.
So modern wedding etiquette is not about old-fashioned formalities or getting it right (or wrong). Many conventions expected at weddings of yesteryear now seem contrived and awkward. A successful wedding is one where everyone -- not just the bride and groom -- has a special time. So, don't be scared to ignore the rule book as good wedding etiquette lies in successful organization and planning. Just make sure you look after those guests...
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Very interesting! For a traditional wedding this does lay out what the expectations are of the best man and ushers.
When our daughter was married we looked at a lot of different options, but then she and I decided to simplify things and take things down to essentials.
That was a good thing because in reality we have almost NO MONEY!, but we made it work and everyone had a wonderful time. perhaps it was because we were relaxed and happy!
On thing we found was that if you put the word "Wedding" in front of something you could double the price!
Wedding cake: we ordered a large and a smaller cake from a bakery and placed them on tiers from the party supply store ourselves...big savings, just as pretty and delicious.
Wedding dress: We found a beautiful white damask evening dress at an outlet store. looked like a beautiful wedding dress, but only cost $90.00
Weddiing Photographer; Told everyone to take pictures and send to us, had disposable cameras too to give to the guests.
Wedding music: made a selection of favorite music burned on CD's...everybody danced and had a blast!
So, this may not sound like a dream wedding, but everyone said they loved it, and even today years later people say it was the best wedding they had been to. How about that!
When I got married I ended up sorting out loads of stuff on the day when everyone should have been helping me. My fault, I guess, as I should've been more upfront about what I hoped my bridesmaids etc would do. So, good point Jo about briefing everyone - it might seem bossy but saves a whole load of hassle when you want to be enjoying your day!
I suggest everyone check out www.offbeatbride.com . I don't want to have a Gothic Victorian Puppet wedding- but if you do and that is what you love, then go for it! I love this site, because it is about real people getting married, being true to themselves - and all about how you don't have to buy into the multi-billion dollar wedding industry and spend yourselves into bankruptcy to have an 'acceptable' ceremony. I agree that etiquette is important. Good manners and planning and everyone's comfort are important. But you don't need to have a big wedding or ushers or a Bridezilla to make that happen. If people who come to your wedding only remember that you didn't have enough drinks at the bar, maybe they aren't the guests you ought to be having!
jo - great article - always good to be reminded that a wedding is, as well as a beautiful commitment between two people, a celebration involving a group of people that of course needs planning and organisation. it would be rude not to be thoughtful & empathetic with your guests needs - it's simple old-fashioned hospitality after all.
rkossik - wha? how did you get from this article to your statement? what opportunity are you suggesting others are being deprived of when i get married? how is marriage immoral? what moral code are you refering to? how is marriage oppressive and hateful? seriously, don't leave me hanging... explain...?
Great article!! This should be forwarded to ALL BEST MEN!! Ours was more interested in drinking all day LOL...the wedding turned out fine but it was a lot of stress for my husband.
Modern wedding etiquette? Just Say NO!
Find a way to express your love and commitment to each other that doesn't deprive others of the same opportunity.
Marriage is immoral. Don't try to use oppression and hate as the foundation for your love.
Not so fast. Surely we can marry here in Iowa. No one is being deprived of their right to marry here!
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