If I Were Obama's Big Gay Speechwriter

Here's the deal. Tomorrow (10/10), the President will address the national dinner of the Human Rights Campaign, the nation's largest gay political advocacy group. Several thousand people hanging on his every word. A couple of reporters thrown in for good measure. And more than a few bloggers.

The gay community has been waiting for this. Obama's big gay rights speech. This is not to say that Obama has not talked about gay rights. In fact, one could argue (and the White House does) that when the President includes gay Americans in speeches to other audiences, he is using his bully pulpit to great effect. I completely agree.

But this will mark his first appearance at a big gay fundraiser. Obama's big gay speech is a big deal. And an opportunity.

The gay community is all abuzz about the speech. What will he say? What promises will he make? Bloggers galore here at HuffPo and elsewhere have offered their laundry list of speech to-do's. Some bloggers are filled with optimism; others realism and others have dismissed the speech before it is even delivered.

I have no list. No list of places where openly lgbt people are absent in the administration. No laundry list of promises. No laundry list of legislation he will support (or veto). I am a blogger who believes that the President is making real progress by all these measures (this should evoke more than a few comments after I hit "publish"). I am a more patient blogger than most.

But something is missing. A very big thing. And the only thing that matters.

Empathy.

Not the "I feel your pain" kind of empathy. Not the "I'm sorry for you people" kind of empathy. I am talking about the kind of empathy that comes from a personal and real connection to gay Americans. The empathy you communicate when you talk about gay Americans not just as a minority denied basic rights but rather as a parent of one of your kids' friends. Or the son of your pediatrician. Or your daughter's college roommate.

Why is empathy important? Well, you see - we gays have trust issues. Can't blame us, can you? Democratic politicians have been asking for our votes for some time now. And our money. Wait. I have that wrong. They ask for our money and assume they will get our votes. But there are precious few politicians who are able to persuade me that they care. That our struggle for equality is their struggle too. That it is personal.

Barack Obama can promise many things tomorrow night. And he no doubt will.

I just want him to tell a story. Not about us. But about him. And please not the "I have gay friends" kind of story. Not the "Let me tell you about Judy Shepard, an American hero" story (although god knows she is).

I want a kitchen table story. A backyard story. I want to know that there is more than just a cerebral connection to us. I want a personal and emotional link.

I want the President to walk a few paces in our shoes tomorrow night. Perhaps he could talk about how he would feel if he had been Janice Langbhen sitting with her three kids in a hospital waiting room for 8 hours with absolutely no information of access while her partner died of a sudden brain aneurism because the hospital saw Janice as a legal stranger. Mr. President, put yourself in her shoes. How would it have felt to be sitting there in that waiting room? With Sasha and Malia at your side.

A dose of trust, an illustration that you chat about the concerns of gay Americas with your family, that you are reminded every day in ways large and small that we are discriminated against and placed in harm's way each and every day. This is what we need. Because I believe it is this that could, in the hearts and minds of the attendees, transform a list of promises into a list of commitments.

Why? Because walking with us often means walking through fire. Sadly I get that. I wish that weren't true. But it is . And so we really need to know if he cares enough (in his core) to fight for us. And if he is really willing to take the heat. Not just for us. With us.

Follow Joan Garry on Twitter: www.twitter.com/joanmgarry

Comments

[ChelseaC]

Great post Ms. Garry.

[TurnToTheLeft]

Ms. Garry - Great Post! Pitch Pefect! Especially the day after President Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize. He walks a path a great expectation. If Obama can make us feel that he empathizes with us and that by the end of his presidency - we will have what we want - I will be happily patient. As a human first, I am more concerned with Health Care for all. I have seen to many of my brothers die bankrupt from HIV or live tortured lives never knowing when their benefits will expire. Many stuck in job's because they need the health insurance. Lives lived in fear. I am concerned about the endless wars which bankrupts the national budget and makes all other reform much harder. The President cannot afford to fight another front on the cultural divide at this moment. We must not allow the Republicans to raise more money off premature actions for the Gay Community and thus sweep the 2010 election - this would weaken any chance we have in the Congress and grant more veto power to new Republican Governors.

All that said - I agree with the civil protests - We must keep the pressure on - so we are not forgotten. Pressure our allies while save our most heated rhetoric for counter protests against our real enemies - Tea Baggers, Birthers and Deathers (they are just labels under which racist homophobes hide in plain sight).

[KingMidas]

The real problem in America is that it is not a FREE country at all.

Why the heck would a nurse be involved in who is visiting the patient? Jesus Christ! How did GOVERNMENT get so up close and personal in other people's lives? Is a hospital a prison or a place of healing? you see, the problem is not in your LAWS, but in your interfering, judgmental, nosy selves that you (AMERICANS) always have to be up in somebody's face telling them how to live their lives.

Some laws, like who to marry, and when, and why, should be repealed. And not just for gays.

As for wills and distribution of property - we all need one.

[ziploked]

Excellent article, Ms. Garry. I am not gay, so reading articles like this, and the reader comments that follow are very informative and help engender informed support for your cause.

I'm sure we all know that one speech by our President won't change anything for the better overnight (assuming that is his intention). Articles like this, combined with ongoing activism designed to enlighten those minds that are flexible enough to listen and embrace change can and will make the difference, slowly but surely. We can only hope for "faster" and surely, but it's not wise to pin hope on one speech, as you said in so many words.

[Griffin Lewis]

Ms. Garry has an excellent point about empathy. Obama seems to be very emotionally distant. I don't know if this is intentional or just his way.

By the way, I don't understand why articulating our own political goals is being whiny and selfish. Why shouldn't gay people point out ways in which we feel we are unequal? The Administration should be capable to pursuing gay-friendly policies while dealing with the economy and foreign policy. Perhaps they aren't capable and incompetence is the issue.

[wrabbitt]

The whole meaning of life doesn't revolve around the fact that the very small minority of Gay people blame all the problems they have on everyone who isn't Gay, Enough! the economy sucks, and, please don't blame it on straight people.

[dancewosleeping]

No, just Republican­s...

[clueless JD]

Take a step back and look at the big picture. Gays face the same crises as other people right now -- war, jobs, health care, collapse of financial institutions, illegal immigration, etc. Right now is not the time to be all about gay. You'll be fine if we skip your drama for a few years. And if you whine about it now, you are going to alienate those who might otherwise support you.

[DenverJim]

So gays face the same crises as other people, AND suffer discrimination by the government, etc. So we have a double whammy, I guess you could say. You say "skip your drama for a few years"? How arrogant. It's a civil rights issue. Don't Ask Don't Tell is getting service members kicked out of the military for no other reason than their sexual orientation, gays are fired LEGALLY for no other reason than being gay, same-sex partners are denied hospital visitation and adoption rights, and the list goes on. So you see, we aren't whining. Just try to walk in our shoes, OK?

[clueless JD]

It's not a priority and supporting a gay agenda will detract, weaken, and derail the agenda to undo widespread damage from the Bush years. Grow up and face political reality. Set some priorities. Gays are suffering first because they are human beings and second because of their sexual orientation. First things first.

[carsntrucks]

I totally agree. Of course, telling them to maybe focus on other more pertinent issues other than those that directly correlate with their identities will just prompt an article about how now is not the time to be rational and shift focus.

[KeysDan]

Well, the audience should start with its enthusiastic congratulations on the Noble Peace Prize. All are seated. President Obama gives the best speech, ever, acknowledging the Norwegians recognition of his being and the inspiration and hope for world peace. So too, he proclaims, it is his duty to acknowledge and recognize the being and potential of gay Americans. Not all can be done in his tenure of office, or, indeed in his lifetime, on the betterment of human conditions, but as president I can do what I can as soon as I can--and one quick step is to suspend DADT, while I charge them to fast track its repeal. Indeed, I have submitted a draft of legislation approved by the Pentagon. Having already received the coveted Peace Prize, I can no longer rely on not being able to do anything since I have been in office only nine months. Gay Americans, you have been patient, it is time for all Americans to get behind this basic call for equality in our military

[superstition]

Suspend DADT? That's it? What about the DOMA briefs? What about the hundreds he's already fired?

69-70+ percent of the public, including majorities of conservatives and church-goers, wanted DADT ended before he was even elected. A poll in 2008 found that 64% of Republicans even wanted the policy ended.

This is about much more than DADT. This is about our constitutional rights as American citizens. DOMA is a major factor in that.

[DonBlv]

superstition
thank you for mentioning the acronyms, it gave me a chance to educate myself on recent events...l­ost track of other issues due to HC.
Although I am an Obama supporter, I'm disappointed in the President's failure, again, to take the lead on another crucial issue, Gay Rights. Passing the handling of life altering issues: Gay Rights/Marriage & HC, to Congress has always & continues to be counterproductive, considering the level of controversy or opposition. He definitely needs to be more involved & engaged, & prove he deserved the NPP. Both dadt & doma deserve to be repealed, they shouldn't have a place in the America.
Again thanx superstition & others for your comments on doma

[superstition]

"I promised to be your fierce advocate. I've not been keeping my part of the bargain.

I will now move to swiftly end DADT. I will sign an order to stop the firing. I will do everything I can to reinstate those fired under my watch and review the rest for possible reinstatement. I will ask my Justice Department to file a new brief that rescinds the unconstitutional arguments in the first one.

I will now move swiftly to end DOMA. I will ask my Justice Department to file a third brief that rescinds the unconstitutional arguments in the first two. I once called the policy "abhorrent" and once again make it clear that that is what it is.

As a candidate in 1996, I ran on a platform of true equality for all. I supported the civil right to marry "unequivocally". I am returning to the wisdom of my younger years and reject separate-not-equal civil unions. Marriage in this country is already secular legally. Calling the marriages of gay citizens civil unions does nothing other than unconstitutionally argue that you are second class.

I will order the FDA to reverse the ban on sperm donation by gay men instituted by the previous administration as the ban has no scientific basis. I will order the review of the blood donation ban as well.

This is only the beginning of what I will be doing with rapidity to correct long-standing discrimina­tion."

[truthartbeauty]

This will be a part of Obama's legacy. how does he want to be remembered in 20 years when decency has finally overcome and we look back at this with the same awe and disgust as we did over civil rights? The time is now to do the right thing and he will be glad later he was a leader.

[Michelle I]

Well, if I were his awake heterosexual speechwriter, I would have him whip out the paperwork to repeal DADT and sign it, saying "I don't care if it will be difficult to implement, it is right." Then, same with gay marriage (if he can't just make it happen, he should state his intention to do so ASAP), saying simply, "it is right".

As a parent, I frequently have to balance competing interests, each party has a compelling argument. But I am the decider. I tell them that I have heard and understand, and make sure I did!, then I tell them my decision. Obama should embrace this tactic on the great issues of our day. That's what I hired him to do!

[Jaywalkker]

Empathy without ACTION is a pity party.

I don't want my President looking my gay friends in the eye with adorable, bewilderment and hold his palms up in a shrug saying, "I feel for you, I really do. I just wish there were *something* I could do. But, alas, what could that be? Cheer up and carry on."

[txrunner]

If I were Obama's big gay speechwriter - I would get to the podium and ask the gay community to protect themselves, and do it without government's help!

I would ask that if you have a partner - go to an attorney with a family member and have your power of attorney written as your partner and have it witnessed by your family. I would ask that you and your partner write up the domestic partnership agreement with all assets, past and future aligned to share in your wealth and poverty. I would ask that a clause be written in that if the domestic partnership fails - all assets are divided equally or how ever you two agree to have them done.

You see - I'm a big gay Republican. And I did that with my partner. And since we had our family sign the paperwork, and since we've made everything legal - we've been the EXAMPLE of our family for building the proper protection for our family. We even have a child that is very well protected in this legal state recognized document.

Being an American is not about sitting back and expecting equal protection - it's about going out and making it happen for you! It's about being the best you can be - and pursuing life, liberty, and happiness.
No one offered it to us - we just did it ourselves - and by doing so we won!

[HawaiiBill]

And how much did all those legal arrangements cost you? Many people do not have the money or wherewithawl to hire the lawyer and go through that process. If they are married, none of that expense would be unnecessary.

And if your partner has a sudden aneurism and you didn't have all off that paperwork with you (do you carry it in your wallet?), do you think the hospital would honor it? If you were married, you don't have to PROVE it.

Your logic has some merit, and my husband and I have done the same things, but it is still not EQUAL, it is a defensive tactic.

And I have to ask...as a "big Gay Republican" do you support the Republican politicians and the party machinery that DENIES that protection to you? They don't passively sit by and ignore it, they actively work against your dignity and equality. That type of self inflicted homophobia makes me concerned for the values you model for children as being "OK".

[BrandyL]

Some of us live in states where Constitutional amendments have passed that make it almost impossible to do what you suggest. For example, Virginia's Marriage Affirmation Act (HB 751) states that same-sex couples are prohibited from not just marriage and civil unions, but also from “contracts or other arrangements that purport to bestow the privileges or obligations of marriage” I'm glad that your situation has worked out for YOU, but not everyone lives where you do.

Another point: Janice Langbhen and her partner DID have all that legal paperwork in place. The hospital ignored it. Even if you live in a state where you are permitted to make such arrangements, there's no protection for you if the powers that be choose to ignore your arrangements. You will note that Ms. Langbhen LOST her court case. The Florida legal system thinks that violating their pre-arranged medical power of attorney paperwork was a-okay...b­ecause they're gay.

Finally--not all gay people have the money to pay for the filing fees and other costs associated with replicating marriage in a series of legal contracts. It can be an expensive process depending on where you live--much more expensive than the cost of a marriage license. How is it fair that gay couples should have to pay far, far more to protect their property and relationship than a straight couple would?

As for being a gay Republican­...how sad and angry a life that must be.

[clueless JD]

I lived in Virginia. I have to say I'd rather be a gay republican than a virginian.

[OnBorrowedTime]

Dear TX Runner,

By your handle, I'm going to assume that you're a fellow Texan. My partner and I have also had our powers of attorney for health care notarized. I keep those very important papers in my blue "Suze Orman" brief case along with our other important legal documents.

Kudos for taking steps to protect yourself. Good luck getting the right nurse at the right time to accept your claim of medical power of attorney in the state of Texas.

I'm assuming also that both you and your partner are U.S. citizens. If that were not the case, not only would you not be adequately protected by all of this legal safety netting, you might actually put yourselves at risk of being forcibly separated BECAUSE of your efforts. The U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Service can and does routinely use such evidence as grounds for refusing entry to a foreign national, under the assumption that a known romantic relationship with a U.S. citizen is a potential motive for overstaying a visa.

The Uniting American Families Act (UAFA), currently in Committee in both houses of Congress, if passed, would solve that discrepancy between same-sex and opposite-sex binational couples without altering, amending, or contravening the hateful "Defense of Marriage Act." I encourage you and all others, who THINK they have nothing to worry about, to support UAFA and other similar measures, in addition to advocating for the repeal of DOMA.

[TauSeti]

My compliments; very realistic commentary; but, there is something more fundamental: it is a statement about "Humanity". It appears that "Humanity" has not learned the concept of tolerance and is threatened by anything that does not support an individuals interests.

The commentary points to the fact that "Humanity" has no moral compass and that the 10 Commandments are nothing but PR which are a waste of paper/stone if not practiced.

Why is it "wrong" to love someone, regardless of gender?

[PlaceboStudman]

If I were Obama's Big Gay speechwriter, I would do a simple multimedia production, make sure there were live tv news cameras at the event, and simply play Depeche Mode's People Are People

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0XkRWwyNulk

Nuff said

[kendraro]

nice - thanks