What People Really Think About Gay Parents
I forget sometimes. I need to be reminded. Many, many people don't think that gay people should be allowed to parent. I certainly was reminded of this on Election Day when the state of Arkansas passed a ballot initiative prohibiting gay and lesbian couples from adopting.
I think there are times when I think those attitudes don't exist where I live with my family - here in a diverse New Jersey suburb, a mere 14 miles west of midtown Manhattan.
It was on one of those days that I sat down to write something for the Newark Star Ledger's parenting blog, Parental Guidance. I started writing there a few weeks ago - I'd written about holiday shopping for teenagers and the meaning of holiday cards for my 81 year old mom. But this post was about being a lesbian mom. I mixed it up - illustrating that we face all the same joys and craziness that straight parents do along with some serious commentary about the real ways in which our families are treated as 'less than' in the eyes of the law. I included a nice picture of my family. This one in fact:
I swear I am not trying to drive traffic to this post. It wasn't even one of my best. I wrote it at a ski lodge while my kids were skiing (and I wasn't).
The lead story is not the post. It's all about the comments. Within hours of posting what I felt was quite a tame piece, my post became the hottest post on the site, comments coming in like wildfire. Some were supportive but the overwhelming majority of comments were not. Very not.
Here's a sampling of what some folks in Essex County, NJ think about gay parents.
I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. Those poor kids. I bet they get rideculed to no end in school. Hell, when I was in high school, "you have 2 dads" was a chant we yelled at opposing players to try and rattle them.
Why plaster the kids faces all over the paper when it will single them out. Keep your business to yourself. Being selfish about your "situation" could set your kids up for abuse. Real parents put their kids first...
The young kid in the picture is obviously gay, how did that happen?
Stop shoving your gay agenda down our throats. Nobody cares.
I once knew a lesbian. We used to make fun of her.
The only lesbian parents that should be allowed are young hot blondes.
Sadly, they go on. But you get the idea.
My friend Debbie wrote me an email after reviewing all the comments. She told me she feels very protective of me and she doesn't feel like I should write for them anymore. Why should I subject myself to that?
I received a good many emails from straight and gay friends of mine, stunned by it all. They just couldn't believe it.
That's exactly why I should subject myself to it.
There is no hope for those who leave comments like this. But our best hope rests in getting those who stand with us fired up.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have an nj.com post to write....
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I think they said it best on Sesame Street:
Any group of people
Living together
And loving each other
Are doing the family thing
You might live
With your mother and your father
Or maybe it's
You and Grandpa
Or maybe you're living
With your two little brothers
Your sister and your Ma
Oh, maybe it's your aunt
Your uncle and your cousin
Your baby sister and you, yeahhhhh
It doesn't really matter
Just who you're living with
If there's love you're a family too
Now, we all can sing
We're doing the family thing
Everybody sing
Doing the family thing
Now, we all can sing
Any group of people
Living together
And loving each other
Are doing the family thing
A family can be
What it wants to be
'Cause there's all different leaves
On the family tree
And there's all different types
Of families
Who are living together
And loving each other
Are doing the family thing
Doing the family thing
Doing the family
Doing the family thing
I have been amazed at how these people use homophobia to get people to vote against themselves. Half of them don't even realize it isn't even just the gay people that can't adopt from the state, Brad and Angelina wouldn't be able to adopt a child from the state of Arkansas either for example, because these new laws discriminate against anyone who doesn't conform to a lifestyle that suits a certain religion . I'm hoping for a change that brings us out of the dark ages that we are currently in.
Joan: My husband and I are moving to Essex County from the West Village. We are following our (straight) co-workers who moved there for the same reasons we will: good schools, mixed neighborhoods, nice houses. We are adopting. But that diversity comes with a price: not only will we not be in the gay ghetto anymore, we will be thrown in with some of these idiots responding to your post with they're bad grammer (sic intended) and their limp tautologies (look it up, boobs). Strength comes from dealing with them on your own terms without apology, something I'm sure I don't have to tell you. It takes a real brave man (or woman) to attack someone with a keyboard under cloak of anonymity, or a white hood for that matter. A much braver person puts her name, her family, and her life on a blog and proudly says "this is who I am, and I'm not that much different from you." Probably most people get it. The ones that don't - well, that's what the PgDn key is for. Keep up the good work!
See Isobel White's Profile
I was surprised at the response I got the 1st time I blogged about same-sex marriage on HuffPost, and particularly when I wrote about the importance of educating youth about family diversity. That post has even been used on some Mormon website as "proof" that there is a "gay agenda" to teach all our kids about "the gays." (Well, okay, they didn't say "the gays" -- but that's what they meant!) After the 1st negative comments, it took a day or 2 before I would even come back to check on any additional comments -- it was just too upsetting. But I agree with everyone else's point that it's better to be out there, and yes, it'll make it easier for the next person!
There's an intolerance among any family unit that doesn't look like the "Father Knows Best" family. Single mothers, particularly single black mothers, are also looked on with disdain - although single fathers are looked upon as heroes and martyrs. Grandparents, again particularly in the black community, who are raising their grandchildren are looked upon as suspect, as if their children "dumped" the grandchildren on them, or their children must be drug addicts or in prison. Our society looks upon any family unit that does not exemplify with the female mother and male father model, and even black families that fit this model are often looked upon as an anomaly. With this said, I can't even imagine how difficult it must be for gay parents, and I applaud them for their courage and love.
I would add that much of the child abuse that we see emerge from heterosexual parents.
For some reason, I feel the same way about Christians that those people feel about gay parents.
Good on you! Attitudes change because people like you are willing to take the heat in their time. Because of you, future gay families will receive less intolerance.
Shameful but true. There is a lot of discrimination against parents who are gay, generated from both inside our families and from outside our families. Things worthwhile take time to build. You are not alone. Your courage and persistence is strongly appreciated. Thanks much!
As an adopted person, I have always wondered why the conservatives and right-to-lifers don't have 10-15-20 adopted children. Where are children supposed to go? They don't believe in abortion, and, as one commenter noted, they also like to cut social services. They refuse to educate their children about birth control. A recent article in the New Yorker points to an interesting trend. Because of the high percentage of teenage pregnancies among evangelicals, and the consequent lower educationa
"I have always wondered why the conservatives and right-to-lifers don't have 10-15-20 adopted children."
Because they ONLY care for them until they are out of the womb, then they're on their own!
Need I mention that many, many studies have been done, finding no difference in the quality of parenting or outcome of the children between same-sex and opposite sex-couples? There are 8-year old twin boys at our church who aren't identical, but sure are hard to tell apart. Their mothers will have to deal with hateful people, and even more danger than other women, but in Canada, sexual orientation is considered a right or freedom like age or gender, and kids learn at school that families are not all the same.
as a straight mother and grandmother, I firmly believe that the discrimination against any family based on orientation threatens all of US.
unless and until we begin to deal with REAL issues and judging everything and everyone on their merit, we will continue to live in an imperfect union.
My beloved and I have been together for 32 years. We have six kids and five grandkids. Life is good here in Morris County, NJ, but it hasn't always been thus. It will get even better once we move from 'civil union' and are allowed our civil right to marriage. Congratulations on being who you are and not keeping your family in the closet. The more of us who are willing and able to step forward and say, "We are family" and then simply get on with our lives, the healthier we all will become. Oh, there will be the occasional hateful remark - despite our notable progress, there is still racism and sexism and anti-semitism and all manner of bigotry and prejudice - that won't change. The important thing is that we take responsibility for our own growth and maturity. Thanks again.
Congrats to you and yours Liza, for building your family and going strong all these years. You're an inspiration.
I hope and pray that in 27 years I will be able to say the same thing about my own family, except for the six kids part (I LOVE my step-children, but I don't think that I could handle three more.... ;o)
Is your life only validated by the opinions of strangers? I've taught my children to not fret over the opinions of people they don't know or people they don't respect. Why do you rail against facts? The facts being that people can't deal with "difference" and need someone to feel superior toward.. It's the way people are. Might as well be upset that water won't flow uphill. The world has a lot of psychotics, neurotics and sundry crazies. If everyone loved you, it would be very upsetting if you were a deep thinker. Stop looking for love in all the wrong places. Take what you have and enjoy your life with those who care about you. Noone needs a Christmas card list numbering in the billions.
:-)
Peace be with you and your wonderful family
To be honest, I am very suprised at the fact that YOU are suprised about these comments. I read comments just as nasty on many liberal blogs. As all of the recent blog posts about Warren will attest. Even here we get slammed for our "agenda" (as if living life was an agenda!!) by those who say they "support" us. How many times did you see us be told that we need to "wait" and that our civil liberties need to be put off until we win an elaection and then put off a little longer until we have a larger majority and then a little longer until the next election is over.
At least at the nj blog you know exactly what the people think.I'd rather know the evil that lurkes in the hearts of others than be placated by those who say one thing and do another.
I'm sorry that they were vicious about your children, but I'm sure your kids are strong enough to take it. It seems we and ours always need to be stronger and more patient than the rest. Good luck and keep up the good works.
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