With 973 Democratic candidates jammed onto a small stage tonight,
there will be little chance for the frontrunners to "win" this first
presidential debate. But with a gaggle of pundits and talking heads
hiding behind every palmetto tree in South Carolina, expect either
Hillary or Barack to be declared the big, fat loser. Somehow,
someway, some pundit will decide that one of these senators failed to meet the high expectations placed upon them -- most likely -- by the same
pundits calling them failures.
The biggest challenge for tonight's big stars is having a breakout
moment when scores of candidates will be fighting for their second in the
sun. It doesn't help that the guy from Alaska nobody knows will get as
much time as time as Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton.
My network, MSNBC, understands that jamming so many candidates on
stage will present great logistical issues. Fortunately, we have been
forward-thinking enough to establish ground rules to expedite the
process.
- The candidates will not be allowed to deliver an opening or closing statement.
- Candidates may introduce themselves but may only use their first orlast name. At Pat Buchanan's request, Mr. Obama will be permitted usehis middle name during introductions.
- When discussing George W. Bush, candidates are encouraged to usesign language to expedite their viewpoints. One finger supportscensure, two fingers endorse impeachment, and three fingers embracethe Alec Baldwin position (pronounced before a shocked Conan audience)of dragging all Republicans from their homes and stoning them "untilthey die."
- Joe Biden is to be surrounded by stagehands with stun guns at alltimes. Any filibuster attempts will be met with appropriate force.
- Any candidate who can name the guy on stage from Alaska withoutfirst reading his name tag will be awarded an additional 14 seconds.
- No candidate's answer can be longer than the average length of aquestion asked on Scarborough Country.
- In post-game analysis, Chris Matthews will not be allowed to answerhis own questions before giving candidates a shot first.
Even with MSNBC taking these precautions, very little of substance
will be debated tonight in South Carolina. Still, Americans will get a
chance to see Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton share the stage for
the first time. That alone will be worth the price of admission.
Expect pundits to proclaim Barack Obama the winner of this first debate.