Now that Hollywood's drawn kid movie inspiration from books, cartoons, and, now, TOYS ("Transformers", "G.I. Joe", and ummmmm, "My Little Pony"), one must ask: What's left to be scraped at the bottom of the kids media barrel?
Consider the following ideas that may or may not be sitting on the desk of some Hollywood Development VP right now.
"Lunchables: The Movie"
When a tray of lunchables is micro-waved by accident, the ingredients magically come to life and must save sexy "Lean Cuisine" from the PG-13 desires of "Hungry Man." Stars: Eddie Murphy.
"Pencils vs. Pens"
Must pencils always settle for being #2? It's all-out, 3D and IMAX war when two sharp pencils infiltrate the world of pens and uncover a plan for school supply domination. Features the voice of Jack Black as "Paste"
"Backpack Hanging Thingees: The Movie"
At night, the myriad keychains attached to a fourth-grader's backpack magically awaken and work tirelessly for liberation. Stars: a computer-generated avatar of Eddie Murphy.
Starring Justin Timberlake. Nuff said.
A 10-year-old boy and nine-year old girl, spending the night in a hospital, are forced to medically operate on a man who has a terminally blinking-red nose. A savvy marketing campaign will have kids across America screaming, "Butterfingers!"
Imagine "Tron," but with colorful board game pieces sliding, stepping, and stomping each other back to their respective START circles...Or not. Stars: Eddie Murphy as "Green", Eddie Murphy as "Blue", and -- yes -- Eddie Murphy as "Red."
"Webkinz vs. NeoPets"
This is "Freddy vs. Jason", "Alien vs. Predator" or "Lambert vs. Gokey" for the PG-10 set. In the pivotal third act, the two warring virtual powerpets ally themselves against a common enemy: real-life puppies.
"They Call Me MISTER Potato Head"
Starring whoever's the heaviest SNL cast member at the time, this live-action film is really a metaphor for humanity's struggle against conformity, our penchant for reinvention, and our need for a door in our butts to hold stuff. Viral marketing catchphrase: "Hey, pull yourself together!"
Joel Schwartzberg is an award-winning essayist and author of the just-released "The 40-Year-Old Version: Humoirs of a Divorced Dad"