09/18/2008 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

What Reality Television Can Do For The Olympics

Reality television show producers, proudly noting they invented the concept of obscure Americans competing in skimpy outfits for glory and lucrative contracts way before the Olympics came around to it, are capitalizing on Olympics fever by throwing out their existing Fall schedules and implementing the following Games-themed lineup:

"Who Will I Fall For?"
Hard-falling but easy-on-the-eyes gymnast Alicia Sacramone will put five hunky athletes through major Olympic events -- and animal genitalia eating obstacles, natch -- to win her affection. Each day, one lucky contestant will have the opportunity to console her. Bella Karolyi will be on hand to coach and occasionally berate the contestants.

"With a Little Phelps from My Friends"
With the 12,000 calories-a-day "Phelps Diet" surging across the country, everyone's favorite ADHD-challenged swimmer will travel across the country to visit now morbidly obese "Phelps Dieters" whose pals have reached out, fearing for their friends' lives. Michael will life-coach the contestants, order their breakfasts, build them new homes, give interview tips, do their taxes, and let them hold his medals. Mark Spitz will host.


"Within Your Beach"
USA Beach Volleyball stars Phil Dalhausser, Todd Rogers, Misty May-Treanor, and Kerri Walsh will host an all-beach sports tournament featuring their specialty event, as well as the following respected beach sports:

* Competitive Tanning
* Running in Water without Looking Like an Idiot
* Keeping Sand Out of Your Tuna Wrap
* Getting the Lifeguard's Attention

May-Treanor and Walsh will appear exclusively in their beach volleyball uniforms. Dalhausser and Rogers can wear whatever they want, naturally.

"The Race for Obscure"
Athletes from the sports of flat water kayaking, badminton, handball, and two-person dinghy will be paired up to see who can get more of Bob Costas' attention.

"Up Close and Worsenal"
In this thrilling series, track-and-field athletes will compete for most emotional backstory. Categories include:

* Biggest Personal Tragedy
* Scariest Personal Medical Experience
* Youngest Age at Which First Personally Dreamed of Olympic Glory
* Redemption of Past Personal Failure
* Oldest

"Can You Swing Higher Than a Fifth Grader?"
Still in development, this project would feature a majority of the Chinese womens gymnastics team.

Read more HuffPost coverage of the 2008 Beijing Olympic Games