Tears and fears aren't the only things that often accompany divorce. Most women in the process of ending their marriages fall victim to an evil attacker they can never seem to escape -- their racing minds. Young divorcées in particular have one common stressor: motherhood.
My nesting instincts began at an early age. I had every doll on the market -- from those with battery-operated heartbeats to newborns with lifelike gender parts. I even owned the pregnant Barbie knockoff, Judith, which came with a baby inside her belly. I've always loved pregnant women and anticipated taking weekly pictures of my baby bump.
But at 28 years old, I found myself lying awake at 4 a.m. and starring at the sky-painted ceiling of my old bedroom at my mother's house. I was in the middle of a divorce, and to make matters worse, had just lost my job. I was a nervous wreck about the state of my life and worried about how I would get back on track. I always hoped to be pregnant by 30 and could not see that happening when I was starting my life over from scratch.
I spent the following year focusing on myself, both professionally and personally. I found a new job and fell in love. All was calm until I turned the big 3-0 last year. Triggered by two of my best, younger friends becoming pregnant one month apart, my brain went into panic mode. I found myself lying awake at night once again.
Now, I agonize over when boyfriend and I will get engaged, how we'll be able to afford our dream wedding while saving for a house, and how old I'll be when I have our first child and hopefully, second. I fear I will need in vitro fertilization by then and worry about the financial cost of the procedure and raising the twins that will most likely result. I've even asked my boyfriend if we can have a baby before a wedding or elope to move along the process, but he rightfully vetoed both suggestions.
Call me crazy, but I can't help but look at the big picture. My biological clock is a relentless reminder that time is ticking and I have to conceive within the next few years if I ever want to make motherhood a reality.
Divorcing in our 20s is traumatic enough, but adding pressures -- both self-induced and from society -- to procreate before age 35 sends our adrenals on overload. Research shows that by age 30, we lose 90 percent of our eggs, and then if we're lucky enough to get pregnant in that decade, we're at a higher risk for having a child with Down syndrome. As if we needed to hear that!
While conducting interviews for my upcoming book, "Trash the Dress: Stories of Celebrating Divorce in your 20s", I spoke with participants on this topic.
Alyssa, a 29 year-old marketing coordinator from New York, fears "reaching my late 30s and still not finding Mr. Right and not having children, or having a child alone simply because I want to be a mom someday."
At first, Alyssa, who was married at age 25 and divorced by 28, didn't feel like she was falling behind in life. But then "there was a burst of friends getting married and having kids, and I felt like they looked at me like a wild woman, not settling down and following their path."
Nicole, a 30-year-old engineer from Massachusetts who was married at 26 and divorced by 28, found herself in the same scenario. "I feel like I'm playing that stupid 'Mother May I?' game from elementary school and I'm about 50 giant steps behind everyone else, but every time I ask to move forward the reply is simply, 'No, you may not.'"
It's three years after Nicole's big D-Day and she admits, "I fear never finding someone else and having a family. I want the option to be mine, and right now I feel like the decision to have a baby is out of my control. That really bothers me."
Lyndsay, a 28-year-old kindergarten teacher from New Jersey, told me, "My plan was to be pregnant by 30. Now, all plans are out the window and I am so afraid I will be too old when I have my first child."
Family members offering comfort will tell us we have plenty of time, or that Hollywood stars are having babies in their 40s. Our single friends, who were never married, remind us that they're in the same boat. But in reality, we're sailing on a different ship. We planned our weddings and all the tiny details of our lives that were supposed to follow. We thought we were on our way to getting everything we dreamed about since we were young girls. Then it got ripped away.
We don't want to be old parents. And we certainly don't want to hear others tell us not to stress about becoming mothers. We're smart ladies. We know everything happens for a reason and we'll eventually have our happily-ever-after stories. However, it helps to unite and share our fears with the only people who can truly understand what we're going through -- each other.
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Why did your first marriage end?
Joelle Caputa: "I've even asked my boyfriend if we can have a baby before a wedding or elope to move along the process, but he rightfully vetoed both suggestions."
If he doesn't then he's a fool and/or blinded by what he thinks is love. I know if I had some dude pressuring me to get pregnant I would run a mile.
"I've even asked my boyfriend if we can have a baby before a wedding or elope to move along the process, but he rightfully vetoed both suggestions… Call me crazy, but I can't help but look at the big picture. My biological clock is a relentless reminder that time is ticking and I have to conceive within the next few years if I ever want to make motherhood a reality…"
There is more to life than becoming a mother and you need to realize that. Babies grow up into children who then grow into adults, how will you cope with that. You seem to still have 'baby doll' mode stuck in your head. Real life babies aren't like dolls. Too bad your parents didn't provide you with other toys and interestst, like taking music classes, other extracurricular things, a hammer, lego blocks, lincoln logs, puzzles. Socialization starts with young girls from the moment they are born and wrapped in a pink blanket. What would you do if you never had a kid? Life goes on. A woman should not feel she is less than.. if she doesn't have 'wife' and mother attached to her name.
Historically that's the way marriages went, middle aged to old men were wed to young nubile women.
He need not be old and toothless...just perhaps 10-15 years older. Once one of the two people in a marriage have a strong income, saved wealth, and experience...starting a family is much easier.
The alternative is tough...couples who are the same age who have children get into a financial mess. I have friends in the LA area who make $300k combined, but live paycheck to paycheck with 3 kids. The stress is unbelievable as both parents have to work long days (including saturdays) to earn their $$, and barely have time for life. The marriage decays, and divorce becomes more and more likely. It's horrible. They both look aged, and tired, and sad.
Instead...perhaps a man should wait, and marry someone younger. What's the downside?
I think a woman who is wise, can plan the 'right time' to become a wife. She shouldn't live her life on a whim and just 'go with what life throws at her'. That's not very smart to me.
there are half a million unwanted children in foster care today, who had biological mothers and fathers that aren't taking care of them. marriage obviously isn't working out, and it's not necessary for anything nowadays. anyway if you want a child so bad, adopt one! it doesn't matter if you're 35 or 40 or whatever. and being single or having a husband won't change anything, since you'll be doing most of the work anyway. it's actually less mess to clean up when you're single.
why are we putting so much pressure on ourselves to do something that clearly isn't working? give up the marriage pressure. it's a legal contract designed by men to manage property (and wives, like all women, are considered property) that worked when we lived to 30. it has no relevance today.
It is 2012 and some of us still behaving like Neanderthals... Good grief!
H
It is socialization.
88% of college educated women initiate their divorce.
Statistically speaking, you will have the big wedding, the baby the house and a third of his income for a decade or more. He will have, lose of child, lose of house, and lose of income. Sounds like a great deal!!
Of course most of us want to have our babies when the odds are better for fertility as well as a healthy pregnancy. Of course it's easier to manage motherhood when you're in your 30s rather than your 50s.
I strongly recommend that you take a look at this, published here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/d-a-wolf/focused-on-the-wedding-ra_b_1121540.html
Older mothers are telling you that you have time because you DO. More importantly, undoing a marriage once there are children can make what you went through at 28 look like a day at the beach. It isn't a place you want to find yourself if you can possibly help it.
Best of luck boys.
-AJB