Welcome to the Gayby Boom

Welcome to the Gayby Boom, baby. Throughout the Noughties, there has been a surge of gay and lesbian couples deciding to settle down in the suburbs and have kids. En masse, gay people are slowly trading the Shadow Lounge for a baby-vomit-and-puke-filled lounge of their own.

This quiet trend has finally poked its way to public attention with the sight of Bruno - the crazed Austrian fashionista played by Sasha Baron Cohen - sitting with a little African baby on his lap, bragging that ever since Madonna went to Malawi, it's the essential fashion accessory, dah-ling.

Of course, there have always been gay parents, but in the past, they were trapped in the loveless marriages of the closet. Now they are out in the open, and increasing. Many of my gay friends are going the same way as my straight friends as we all sag into our thirties. Gay celebs are just part of this trend: John Barrowman is planning to adopt, for one. I was recently sounded out by a lesbian couple I know and love as a possible gay daddy, and I was broodily tempted.

This is all part of a slow shift that is transforming gay culture. During the twentieth century, our battle was to find a place of our own where we could be safely different, and recover some shreds of self-esteem. After millennia of being told our difference was a sickness, we needed a moment to celebrate that difference.

But after that was achieved, our goal changed. We started to realise - once we had the space - that we are actually very similar to our straight siblings. We have the same desire for stability and home-building as everyone else. Our tune changed from "I Am What I Am" to "I Am What You Are." We wanted enough basic equality to have everything straight people have. It started with demands for marriage - and the logical next step is children. We want the chance to show we are as dull and suburban as everybody else.

It used to be that whenever you came out, your mother would give you a hug, say she loved you, and offer a sad aside to her friends that she would never have grandchildren. That's not the case any more. When I was a kid realising I was gay in the 1980s, it never occurred to me that I would grow up to create a family of my own; it was a bleak and alienating thought. But in the 1990s, when I saw so many gay people doing just that, I felt like I had the option to be part of the great human slipstream of procreation.

The children of gay couples are desperately and passionately wanted. They are, by definition, planned, with parents who have to go to a great deal of hassle and heart-searching before they are created. Compare that the number of kids idly conceived in a five-minute shag at a bus stop.

But obviously, every parent wants the best for their child - and many gay parents were inhibited by the idea that their child would be somehow disadvantaged. Would my son be picked on? Would my daughter be confused by having gay parents? It would not be worth repairing our self-esteem at the expense of damaging our children's.

Now the evidence is in. There have been over a hundred scientific studies of the grown-up children of gay parents - and they overwhelmingly find the same thing. Professor Ellen C. Perrin, MD of Tufts University School of Medicine explains: "The vast consensus of all the studies shows that children of same-sex parents do as well as children whose parents are heterosexual in every way."

Some 90 percent of them grow up to be straight - just like in every family. They are no more or less like to be abused, depressed, or confused. And they love their parents, like we all do. "What is striking is that there are very consistent findings in these studies," Perrin says.

Under the sheer concrete weight of this scientific evidence, anybody who continues to oppose gay parents is letting their prejudice cloud their judgment. When the Vatican calls gay parents "gravely immoral", they condemn only themselves.

There is a new gay anthem in town (with apologies to the Shirelles): Gayby, It's You.

Johann Hari writes for the Independent newspaper. To read more of his articles, click here.

Comments

[it is me]

People make me laugh. I am a gay man age 37. It is truly insane to me that any heterosexual couple can have the audacity to criticise same sex parents. My partner of 12 years and I have no desire to have children. But I can honestly say that I would much rather have had gay parents than the abusive father that I had. I have a straight brother and sister and none have spoken or had contact with our father in 20 years, nor has our mother. We could not be closer with our mother, but we always think about what it things would be like if we actually had another parent, as opposed to the sperm donor that he actually was.

With all of the phisical abuse, sexual abuse, single parent families (which to me are fully respectable), adultery, divorce, etc. I really don't know how anyone can say that two same sex parents raising a child is wrong! If "straight" people are so in the right (and this is certainly not what I think, but just in regards to some really closed minded posters here), then none of these would exist in our society today. Since this is not the case, stop thinking that you have any right to judge the way anyone else lives and, potentially, raises children.

[peta4ever]

Who do people think they are to tell another grown adult they should adopt vs. having a child. Give me a break. Do you want us telling you not to smoke, not to be obese, not to get a divorce, not to have sex before marriage, not to quit your job, not to get arrested, not to be a complete idiot?? People are so miserable in their own existence, in some pathetic attempt to make themselves feel better, they have to put down others. It is so transparent. I read in college a book that said, this is a sign of lower intelligence, and I believe it.

All the children I know with two parents of the same sex, are soooooooooo well rounded, smart, have wonderful opportunities in life because a lot of gay people are wealthy. Also, they don't get teased when they live in big cities because there are so many of them and it is common. Only when you go to these po'dunk little backwards redneck towns does it probably happen. HOWEVER, kids get teased for having red hair and freckles, or having a father that is short, or being from a poor home, for not having educated or obese parents. They get teased for their parents being religious freaks, or being mexican, or having grandma raise them instead of mommy... all sorts of crap...

Again, uneducated and low class people can spew hate and jealousy... sad but true..

[hunt49]

I find the adoption of the term "gaybies" disappointing. After all, isn't the LGBT community seeking for individuals to be defined by their own sexual preferences, and not by those of their parents or their parents' community?

They're just babies. Nothing else (who could handle more?)

[peta4ever]

I completely ageee, Hunt.

[Strepsi]

I find it funny to see the commenters here worrying about the "effect" of gay parents on how the children will turn out. When really, very nearly 100% of the thieves and murderers and rapists are the result of STRAIGHT PARENTS, but I see no movement to ban straight people from reproducing!

Shockingly, even almost 100% of those godless homosexuals were born and raised by straight people! Lawd almighty those straight people must have a bad lifestyle to raise such deviants!

[JGriffin]

> When the Vatican calls gay parents "gravely immoral", they condemn only themselves. <

Amen.

Although you have to feel bad for the Catholic Church. I mean, they've backed themselves into a moral corner, they're perfectly aware that "traditional" church teaching on homosexuality, in light of 40+ years of formal research, amounts to outright bigotry and disinformation. And yet, how can they condone homosexuality (let alone things like gay parenting and marriage) when half their clergy are gay? Doing so would cause utter chaos within their hierarchy.

[MrsFonebone]

I think gay parents are like other parents -- some are great, some are so-so, and some are bad.
Saying gay parents are always better, always superb, is misguided.

[Strepsi]

No, but the only scientific studies show their kids are usually MORE well-adjusted, using some key indicators. More tolerant, more likely to share, more compassionate -- one wide-ranging SCIENTIFIC study was done on behalf of the Canadian Conservative government (who shelved it because it doesn't affirm their "pro-family" bias).

[memorgan303]

What I've found encouraging is how the gay parenting community is coming together to support one another and ensuring their children meet other children who have same sex parents. The following gay parenting social networking site is one of the best examples I've found http://gaybboom.com/. I'm currently in the process of adopting with my partner and we've found great connections and information by communicating with other parents who have gone through the adoption process and are experiencing the challenges of parenting.

[Dots]

Just meet and talk with [or observe] a child of a gay couple and you will notice they feel loved, are well adjusted and even compassionate. At least that's been my experience.

[BalancedEgg]

Advocacy AGAINST gay parenting is predicated on the noble notion that since society continues to refuse (much to society's loss) to cease the sanctioned oppression of the gay minority and the subsequent humiliation of this minority, that these "lesser" beings should not be allowed to parent. This is cyclical logic. We will not know the potential for the contribution that gay parenting can give to our world until we have a few generations of unstigmatized gay parents and a majority of "straight" culture that is unburdened by the collective fear and loathing of gays. Just imagine.

[jenontheblock]

Thank you so much for this commentary - I absolutely love what you wrote. Thank you.

Many gay people who have children or adopt children do so out of love, just as most heterosexual couples do. The children are extremely wanted and extremely loved because of what the gay couples must endure to have children. It is much like heterosexual couples who must undergo fertility treatments to have children - you have never seen such happier parents or loved children.

[MadLori]

I'm surprised by the level of homophobia I'm seeing here, on HuffPo of all places.

The traditional view of gay parenting as harmful to the child has to do with how the child will be viewed by the world, perhaps negatively, for having gay parents. They'll have to suffer discrimination and hostility because of something they themselves had no say in and did not choose for themselves. They'll be teased.

It's interesting, isn't it? When children are teased for other reasons that have to do with their parents, for example if their parents are of different races, or a different religion, or if they have a handicapped parents or an obese parent or just a weird parent, people say "What a shame people are so narrow-minded." They blame the prejudice that causes such schoolyard taunting. It's the prejudice that needs fixing.

But when the parents are gay, they don't blame the prejudice. They blame the parents for being something that is not tolerated by some people.

Parenting is not done only by those who are perfect. And it's certainly not done only by those who lack any and all disadvantages. Being a victim of prejudice should not disqualify you from parenting because your child might share in that prejudice. No child escapes childhood untaunted, never troubled and without tears. That's when they need parents. And who better to help them than a parent who knows just what it's like to be the target of other people's ignorant hatred?

[aftershock]

"I'm surprised by the level of homophobia I'm seeing here, on HuffPo of all places"

It's rampant, and the mods do nothing about it.

[MadLori]

Why should they? Much as I hate it, people have a right to express it.

[AndybHoboken]

I made the same point less articulately earlier. Thank you. Bullying should not be an excuse for bigots to sugar coat their prejudice against gay families. People sometimes wonder why some in the gay community don't want to engage those who spout prejudice and homophobia. I personally find it repugnant. These fools have no right to tell me how to live my life so I don't let them.

[YoMama]

Nice comment. Don't let the detractors get you down (not that you do). There are ever more on the side of compassion, justice and reason. Equality will unquestionably prevail in time, and the children of gay people will help to usher it in. The detractors just want to hang onto unearned power and an old-fashioned social order they know is doomed. Paradoxically, even they will benefit from the power-sharing arrangement, but they will not go gentle into that good night. They're just playing out an age-old role in an age-old drama. We shall overcome.

[mydwyf]

We have absolutely no idea yet what the long term consequences of 'designer babies' will be.
Adult children of artificial insemination are starting to speak out about their experiences of being
turkey baster babies. And they are just the tip of the iceberg.

We are more than physical beings, and the energetic fields which inform us are as important as our
genetic makeup. What happens energetically when, as extolled here this spring by Max the Mommy,
eggs are bought on line (hurry, the gay guys are in a bidding war to get the best !), fertilized with sperm from Max the Mommy and his 'husband', inserted into another female to grow, and turned over upon delivery to the proud parents. That is some whacked up energy fields. Their twin girls not only do not have a female to help raise them, they have no knowledge of either their biological (egg donor) mother or their gestational 'mother'. Both have had profound influences on who they will become.

The best and only lasting gift we can give our children is knowledge of their biological heritage.
The human species lost that knowledge long ago and now we are replicating that situation.
This is not a good idea.

[BalancedEgg]

Let's see...you want to use the 2 guys scenario to push your "viewpoint" while ignoring the vast number of 2 women parenting households. You assume gay guys have no close women friends who are part of their children's lives. While the metaphysics of human existence (energy fields) is certainly worth awareness, assuming the 1 guy/1 gal in a penetrating position scenario is the ONLY functional energy field for conceiving a child is certainly debatable. And your "Max the Mommy and her husband" dig exposes your incivility and rudeness to the discussion. Evolution awaits you if you care to participate.

[exxman]

"The best and only lasting gift we can give our children is knowledge of their biological heritage."

*LOVE*

[Seldon]

Energy fields? What complete and utter nonsense. All you need is love. And guess what gay couples con give that in spades. Stop cloaking your homophobia in New Age nonsense.

[YoMama]

Hey, it's not every day one encounters a New Age argument against equality. I actually find it kind of amusing in its earnestness and unexpectedness.

[Strepsi]

The people pushing 'designer babies' are straights. Yet I see no movement to prevent straight people from adopting or getting fertility treatments. The fact you put 'husband' in scare-quotes reveals your bigotry: I am LEGALLY married to my HUSBAND. Who would be a better parent: us (together monogamously 16 years and married), or Jon and Kate Gosselin, or the Octomommy? Hint: us. And we wouldn't buy online, we'd have a friend carry who would also know and love the child. It is straight people who are making mockeries of childbirth and parenting.

[robbep]

As usual the gay advocates want what they want and to hell how it affects anyone else. The hell with the feelings of the child and how your chosen lifestyle affects them it is all about you baby. Your right to have sex with who you want to have sex with overrides any and all factors. If you are gay and you already have children then yes you are still the child's parent and you shld do what parents do. But if your gay and dont have kids why wld you adopt children? You have chosen a lifestyle that does not produce children, why make your choice an issue that affects the child? For once put something above your selfish sexual choices.

[MadLori]

And how, exactly are these children "affected" by having gay parents? Oh, the horror of having two parents who love them and went to great lengths to have them. The terrors of growing up in a loving home. The awful burden of being cared for and supported to be who they are.

Indeed. How can these gay people be so selfish as to want to raise an otherwise unwanted child? Or to raise a child at all?

What, exactly, do you think will happen to the children of gay parents as a result of their parents' "choice?" They'll be teased? It could happen. Newsflash...it would happen anyway. Kids also get teased for having interracial parents. Should interracial couples be forbidden from procreating? What about kids whose parents' religious beliefs differ from the majority? They get teased, too. Kids get teased. For any reason. For wearing a different color shirt. That's when parents *parent.*

As for the so-called choice of the parents...even if you think homosexuality is a choice (which I'm not agreeing with), then the choice you're demanding is for gay people to live straight is for them to live unfulfilled, passionless lives. No one has the right to demand that choice from anybody.

[peta4ever]

Well said my friend.

[AristophanesJones]

Drama queen.

[peta4ever]

Yes, you are Aristophanes

[JakeAZ]

There are many gay and lesbian couples who adopt special needs kids, the kind nobody wants. (Yes, I know there are straight couples who do the same, as I read about those poor people in Florida!!) I certainly think these folks have a great deal of care about how their actions "affect someone else", namely giving those children love and a home.

[Geowar]

First of all, being Gay isn't a "chosen lifestyle", it's an innate orientation. It goes far beyond "sexual choices". Second, there is nothing wrong with Gays wanting to provide a loving home to a child . Would you prefer a child to languish in foster care without a loving family instead of being placed into a loving Gay home? Third, study after study has shown Gays are just as capable of being good parents that produce healthy, well-adjusted children as straights. So, what really is your problem? Perhaps some homophobia mixed in with too much James Dobson? By the way, how many children have YOU adopted?

[AndybHoboken]

Rob, its my choice as a human being to decide whether I want to be a parent. Not yours. No gay person ever should have to prove themselves as to why they want to be a parent. Your comments are ignorant and prejudiced. Please keep them to yourself. I'm tired of a few people in America thinking its ok to say whatever hurtful thing is on their minds.

[BeninOakland]

Kapi: Just as there is not a huge amount of evidence that homosexuality is 100% genetic, there is little evidence that heterosexuality is 100% genetic. both seem to be hardwired. I would suggest you read what Francis collins, an evangelical chrstian and director of the human genome project, has to say on the matter. Freud himself, 100 years ago, thought that human sexuality is inherently bisexual, with heterosexality a cultural construct.

Indra: you complain about theorectical harm to children in the face of reality based knowledge that refutes that. What about the harm to children raised in orphanages and group homes, with no real parents to provide a life for them? Are the orphanges just not full enough for you?

Kapi: "I believe the male/female personas have distinct but complementary roles in raising children to become emotionally healthy adults. " Does that mean that you are for outlawing divorce and single parenthood? I doubt it. Does it mean that the children of heterosexuals, having those complimentary (whatever that means) roles, are healthy and happy and well adjusted? I really doubt it.

[charlot]

While I have gay friends who are or want to be parents, I can say with complete certainty that I (a gay man) have absolutely ZERO desire to be a parent. I will even go so far as to say that I can't understand why anyone wants to be a parent. Aside from potential security of having someone to care for me when I'm old, I can't think of one positive to parenthood. That is why I believe it MUST be a biological desire that most people have and I most certainly don't. It is not logical (the expense, the stress, the mess, the responsibility, the never-ending anxiety), but most people do it.
That said, I do believe that anyone who wants to have children (again, a mystery to me) should be able to, whether it is through adoption or other means.