To all you book lovers out there: Today, my first book just went up on Amazon Kindle! It's a word-for-word copy of an actual fifteen-item grocery list I recently penned (cleverly titled "My Grocery List," not to be confused with "Schindler's List"). I'm so excited! Now I'm a real, bonafide AUTHOR and my name is up there on Amazon along with the great ones -- Shakespeare, Steinbeck, Dan Brown and my neighbor Sheldon Klein who just published a three-page Kindle eBook anthology of poems about tree bark. Writing a book has been my dream ever since I was six and spent eight minutes writing a list of supplies I would need for school on a pea green Post-It note.
It's such an amazing thrill! The moment "My Grocery List" appeared on Amazon, I changed my Facebook job description from "Bolt Inspector" to "Published Author."
Thank you Amazon for making it so easy for ordinary people like me to become real, professional writers in less than an hour!
So far, the pre-publication reviews have been outstanding! Albertsons called it, "one of the best written grocery lists we've ever seen. The printing is excellent and, unlike most grocery lists, impressively legible. A must read!"
A bagger at Vons named Leticia opined, "I've found a lot of grocery lists that people leave in their shopping carts after they're done shopping, but Mr. Blumenthal's vivid combination of produce, canned goods and household products stands out as one of the most poignant and heartfelt lists I've ever read. I couldn't put it down."
Butch Milner, a checker at my local AM-PM store gushed about the book. "I loved the chapter called 'Bacon.' This book is destined to become a classic in the shopping list genre."
Just to give you a little background, I originally wrote the whole book with a Ticonderoga #2 pencil on the back of an envelope that once contained my gas bill. Like Hemingway, I wrote it standing up (in my case, in the kitchen.) And it only took me about two minutes!
The inspiration for the book was my wife Janet who had asked me to pick up a few things at Vons -- fifteen items in all -- because her sciatica was acting up. Once I got started writing, the words just flowed as if God Himself were guiding my hand. I didn't need to rewrite a single word, although I did cross out "2 Cans of StarKist Tuna" when Janet informed me that we already had a bunch left from our last trip to Costco.
Truth be told, I had kind of a hard time writing a plot synopsis for my Amazon page mainly because the book doesn't actually have a plot. Also, the actual writing is limited to just a few words (brevity is the soul of wit, right?) and a lot of blank space. But I had to write something so I came up with this description: "'My Grocery List' is the heartbreaking story of a diverse family of grocery store items tragically separated by long, brightly-lit store aisles. They lead lonely, barren lives, shivering in the store's arctic air, knowing that soon they will all be swept up in the crazy adventure of the conveyor belt and the soulless scanner. Eventually, their lives will intertwine climactically when they're confronted by the poignancy and eroticism of commingling in my cloth bags."
(Of course, none of that stuff is actually in there -- you have to imagine it all. I like to leave interpretation to the reader.)
In the rest of my synopsis, I described the tempestuous love affair between my two protagonists, "Seedless Grapes" and "Yoplait Low-Fat Yogurt." Then there's a nonexistent subplot about my jaunty, lovable character, "Windex Extra-Strength" who sits on a rack all day staring longingly across the aisle at the beautiful, soft and sexy "Downy Fabric Softener," who only has eyes for the powerful but villainous cad, "Dulcolax Laxative Tablets."
But I really shouldn't tell you any more. I wouldn't want to spoil it! You'll just have to find out for yourself by reading the book. I've priced it at $2.99. Those with short attention spans will be glad to know it's a quick read.
In the meantime, stay tuned for my next book, "A Few Things I Need at the Hardware Store."