For some white male voters, presidential elections boil down to one crucial question: "Which candidate would you rather invite to a barbecue?" In 2000, these guys chose George W. Bush over Al Gore.
In other words, an idiot won the presidency because a bunch of white males thought he'd be more entertaining after six beers and some marshmallows.
So guys, before Election Day, ask yourselves this: Is Mitt Romney really the kind of dude you'd want peering over your shoulder while you stand in front of your Weber wondering why the burgers are sticking to the grill again? A few points to consider:
Mitt doesn't have a man cave or a La-Z-Boy.
Mitt never scratches his balls.
Mitt has never sworn at a lawnmower.
Mitt puts Dijon mustard on hot dogs.
Mitt has his socks dry cleaned.
Mitt has never used the phrase, "How's it hangin'?"
If Mitt ever uses the phrase "How's it hangin?" he would put the "g" at the end of "hangin.'"
Mitt never got a toolkit for his birthday.
If Mitt ever gets a toolkit for his birthday, he won't know how to use it.
Mitt dyes his hair and uses hair gel.
Mitt checks his hair in rear view mirrors.
Mitt doesn't know how to change a tire without consulting the owners' manual.
Mitt has probably never thrown a basketball in public.
Mitt saw a bowling ball once and thought it was defective because it had holes in it.
Mitt looks stupid in flannel shirts.
Mitt looks even stupider in work boots.
Mitt looks way stupider in a hard hat.
Mitt doesn't really understand NASCAR.
Mitt owns only one baseball cap. It says "I Heart Goldman Sachs."
Mitt never wears his baseball cap because it might muss his hair.
Mitt tells dirty jokes, but they're always about soil.
Mitt eats ribs with a fork and knife and never wipes his mouth with his sleeve.
If none of this fazes you, go ahead, invite Mitt, the arrogant preppie who was born with a silver spoon, the guy who enjoys firing people like you and wants to lower his own taxes so you can struggle even harder to afford hot dogs to slap on your Weber.
And if you do invite him, make sure to use the good china, the Waterford crystal and the linen napkins, and don't forget to buy Brie for his cheeseburger and caviar for the nachos.
Or, you can invite the other guy, the one who started from nothing and worked his way up with student loans, the fella who can easily throw a three-pointer and talk about draft picks, the dude who probably has a man cave, the guy who doesn't check his hair in the rear view mirror, doesn't use hair gel, knows what a socket wrench is, drinks beer, puts French's yellow mustard on his hot dogs and probably scratches his balls.
Either way, try not to burn the burger buns this time.
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
It's Another Trump-Biden Showdown — And We Need Your Help
The Future Of Democracy Is At Stake
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
The 2024 election is heating up, and women's rights, health care, voting rights, and the very future of democracy are all at stake. Donald Trump will face Joe Biden in the most consequential vote of our time. And HuffPost will be there, covering every twist and turn. America's future hangs in the balance. Would you consider contributing to support our journalism and keep it free for all during this critical season?
HuffPost believes news should be accessible to everyone, regardless of their ability to pay for it. We rely on readers like you to help fund our work. Any contribution you can make — even as little as $2 — goes directly toward supporting the impactful journalism that we will continue to produce this year. Thank you for being part of our story.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
It's official: Donald Trump will face Joe Biden this fall in the presidential election. As we face the most consequential presidential election of our time, HuffPost is committed to bringing you up-to-date, accurate news about the 2024 race. While other outlets have retreated behind paywalls, you can trust our news will stay free.
But we can't do it without your help. Reader funding is one of the key ways we support our newsroom. Would you consider making a donation to help fund our news during this critical time? Your contributions are vital to supporting a free press.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our journalism free and accessible to all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you'll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Support HuffPostAlready contributed? Log in to hide these messages.