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John Blumenthal

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Rise Up Ladies! If Your Man's A Republican, Stop Having Sex With Him

Posted: 04/27/2012 12:40 pm

Rumor has it that men like sex more than anything. Okay, maybe some of them like beer and sports better, but never mind that. Every society has its share of nitwits.

Maybe you haven't heard the news lately ladies, but for reasons only they comprehend, Republican men are waging war on you. That's right. Full-scale combat. A veritable crusade. We're talking no contraception, no abortions, no Planned Parenthood, needless vaginal probing, and they've only just gotten started.

And what are you doing about it? Not much.

Here's the scenario: If we elect Mitt Romney, and both houses of Congress end up being dominated by passengers from the clown bus, God only knows how far they'll go. Will humorless federal agents in black suits, earpieces and reflecting sunglasses be stationed in your bedroom? Will your ovaries become the property of the state? Will women's suffrage be repealed? Will you be required to wear chastity belts and/or burqas? Will burning witches at the stake return as a reality show?

They're holding all the cards, ladies, and their self-righteous imaginations are limitless.

Here's the good news: It's within your power to prevent all this from happening. How? Simple. Deny sex to your men folk if they plan to vote Republican. Of course, you probably like sex too, but sometimes people in a democratic society have to make sacrifices for freedom and equality.

In other words, do not have sex with a Republican man unless his name is Vibrator.

Of course, there's a precedent for all this, albeit fictional. If you were paying attention in high school Lit class, then you might remember Aristophanes' play Lysistrata. In a nutshell, the heroine was the feisty Greek lady who withheld sex because she was sick and tired of the Peloponnesian War, which had been going on forever.

It worked. As it happened, Greek men liked sex more than anything too. Okay, some of them might have liked beer or sports better. Every society has its nitwits.

Of course, you first have to determine whether your fella is a Republican, if he hasn't already told you. This shouldn't be too hard. Does he own a Glock, which he keeps in case a deer breaks into your house? Does he work for Goldman Sachs? Does he favor the missionary position because it sounds vaguely religious? Does he keep a Confederate flag in his sock drawer? When you go to Macy's together, does he wander off while you're in the cosmetics department and secretly fondle sweater vests?

Okay, so now it's November and you haven't had sex with him since April. Drooling all over himself, he promises he'll do anything you say. But what if he tries to trick you? Voting is confidential, so no matter how horny he is, he might tell you he's voting for Obama, but then vote the Republican ticket instead. How do you prevent this from happening? Simple. Make him stay home on Election Day.

Then have sex with him and do what you usually do -- fake the orgasm.

 
 
 

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