Everybody I know thinks of me as a nice person. I go out of my way to help people; I'm unfailingly kind and compassionate; I give money to charities without thinking about the tax deduction; I treat people with respect and patience, even customer service reps who require me to spell my last name 35 times.
Unfortunately, all this niceness will probably put me in an early grave.
I don't know if there are any empirical studies on this phenomenon but if you Google "Why do bad people outlive nice people?" you get some pretty convincing, albeit anecdotal, evidence. Even religions struggle with this question but they usually come up with the tired philosophy that God works in mysterious ways, which is really just a cosmic mulligan.
And then there's the phrase, "The good die young," not to mention the book, Why Bad Things Happen to Good People.
So I've decided to abandon niceness and become an asshole.
From this day forth, all my Facebook comments will consist of shit pile emoticons.
The next time I'm at a strip club I'm putting coins in the strippers' panties.
Want me to let you slide in ahead of me in merging traffic? Not going to happen.
On my next wedding anniversary, I'm giving my wife a diet book.
If I see a slightly plump woman, I'm going to ask her when the baby's due.
On rainy days, I will make a special effort to speed through puddles that are near pedestrians.
I will eat copious amounts of broccoli before every trip and fart as often and as loudly on the plane as humanly possible.
That elderly woman limping toward the only vacant seat on the bus? Forget it, lady. I'm getting there first if it kills me.
Allergic to cats? I'm bringing mine over the next time I go to your house.
I'm wearing an umbrella hat at theatres that feature subtitled foreign films.
I will flush the toilet 15 times when people are in the shower at my health club.
My best friend is late for a flight. Will I drive him to the airport? Not in this lifetime.
That homeless guy who panhandles near Barnes & Noble will now get an out-of-date Bulgarian coin the next time I see him.
From now on, I'm eating garlic before every dental exam.
Disposing of dog shit when my dog craps during a walk? Forget it.
The next time I'm invited to a gourmet dinner party, I'm bringing the host a bottle of Thunderbird and placing a box of Pepto Bismol on my bread plate.
From now on, I will never use the words "spoiler alert" when telling a friend about a movie.
I'm going to wear a Grim Reaper costume the next time I visit a sick friend.
Who's the asshole that put Krazy Glue on the barbells at the health club? That would be me.
The next wedding present I give will be a fifty-dollar gift certificate for a divorce attorney.
Instead of throwing a shovelful of dirt into an open grave at the next Jewish funeral I attend, I'm renting a bulldozer.
Anyway, you get the picture. If you don't, do me a favor -- drop dead.
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
It's Another Trump-Biden Showdown — And We Need Your Help
The Future Of Democracy Is At Stake
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
The 2024 election is heating up, and women's rights, health care, voting rights, and the very future of democracy are all at stake. Donald Trump will face Joe Biden in the most consequential vote of our time. And HuffPost will be there, covering every twist and turn. America's future hangs in the balance. Would you consider contributing to support our journalism and keep it free for all during this critical season?
HuffPost believes news should be accessible to everyone, regardless of their ability to pay for it. We rely on readers like you to help fund our work. Any contribution you can make — even as little as $2 — goes directly toward supporting the impactful journalism that we will continue to produce this year. Thank you for being part of our story.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
It's official: Donald Trump will face Joe Biden this fall in the presidential election. As we face the most consequential presidential election of our time, HuffPost is committed to bringing you up-to-date, accurate news about the 2024 race. While other outlets have retreated behind paywalls, you can trust our news will stay free.
But we can't do it without your help. Reader funding is one of the key ways we support our newsroom. Would you consider making a donation to help fund our news during this critical time? Your contributions are vital to supporting a free press.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our journalism free and accessible to all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you'll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Support HuffPostAlready contributed? Log in to hide these messages.