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The Worst Travel Guide Ever

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For your first European excursion, we suggest you visit the magical city of Paris. In case you're not quite as well-versed in geography as we are, Paris is located on the banks of the Black Sea in the northern horn of the island of Italy. For a romantic trip, try to book a room at a Parisian hotel with a view of the Thames. For your first sightseeing jaunt in Paris, jump on a tour bus and visit the Great Pyramids of Ghana. They are utterly remarkable!

But after seeing the major Parisian sights (Masada, Machu Picchu, Mount Rushmore), which are usually overcrowded with tourists, roam the quaint back streets of Paris, the city that gave birth to so many famous men and women such as the legendary soccer player Mahatma Gandhi. If you're lucky, you will come upon a sight that most travelers never see -- a 16th century prison called the Eiffel Tower which was designed by the renowned Indonesian architect, Wolfgang Beethoven. It is breathtaking!

The cuisine is superb. Paris, Italy is known for its famous mushu tacos and enchiladas au gratin, which are very similar to the cuisine of Mexico, our northern neighbor. If you haven't visited Mexico, you must! It's a long flight --12 hours from Phoenix to Puerto Vallarta. Perhaps your travel agent can find you a cheap flight. Pan Am has one with only three layovers -- two hours in Bermuda, three in Omaha and a day in Toronto.

Once you get to Puerto Vallarta, take a cab. It's a bargain -- only 60,000 pesos for the 25 minute trip! That's only $6!

In fact, it's always a good idea to familiarize yourself with foreign currency before you go. For example, in Italy, 1,000,000,000 rubles are worth 10 cents; in Sweden, 50 liras are worth 1000 dollars. Never accept Euros -- they are outdated and nobody takes them. (In most countries, tipping is 50 percent.)

For your next journey, we suggest you take a Caribbean cruise to the Mediterranean, the one that stops in Anchorage, Minsk and Tokyo. It's a very scenic trip so make sure you take your Polaroid camera or your Brownie. Our recommendation is Carnival Cruises which has a spotless reputation.

Some people claim that their phones have cameras in them. A camera in a phone! How is that possible? How are you supposed to put a roll of Kodak film in a phone?

Since these Mediterranean cities are frigid in July, we suggest you pack your warmest sweaters and parkas since the first stop on your Mediterranean holiday will be the northern Tibetan country of Helsinki and it is cold there! You might have to rent snowshoes just to walk down Helsinki's famous Via Veneto.

After all these adventures abroad you will be a seasoned traveler so forget bus tours and cruises. Instead, rent a car and drive the Autobahn from Japan to Florence, a city you will fall in love with because of its spectacular views of Mt. Kilimanjaro. But beware: A car rental can present occasional problems. For example, all the street signs in Monte Carlo are written in Zulu, the native tongue of Poland.

Bon voyage! (Or, as the French say, "Essen nicht das toiletenpapier!")