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The Official RNC Voter Suppression Handbook

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Getty Images

From: Reince Priebus

To: All Republican Operatives

Contrary to what many of you may think, the Republican Party heartily endorses democracy. We also support the Constitution of the United States, except for a few pesky amendments, which we feel may occasionally be tweaked to our advantage. Fortunately, the Founders were unwise enough to give the individual states the power to enact laws that allow us to disenfranchise certain voters. Every document has loopholes. It is our job at the RNC to exploit these loopholes because, for reasons that elude us, we cannot seem to come up with candidates that have a reasonable chance of getting elected on their own.

The right to vote is sacred! All Americans should be allowed to vote! But nobody said it had to be easy.

Also, it is incumbent upon us to be vigilant and protect ourselves from rampant voting fraud, which has now increased by 50 percent in the USA, from two proven cases to three!

Even more to our advantage is that the opposing party believes that elections should be fair and honest. LOL.

So here's the game plan:

Strategy #1: Concentrate on swing states like Ohio, Florida and Colorado. Forget liberal states like California, New York and Massachusetts. Most people in these states are way too intelligent and well-informed to vote for us. Don't bother with states like Alabama, Mississippi and Arkansas either because these states always vote for us no matter how dumb our platform is or how pathetic our candidates are. We could run Mussolini's pet gerbil in these states and win. Even lower middle class voters in places like Oklahoma love us, despite the fact that their lives will be considerably worse if we win. We have no idea why this is.

Strategy #2: Identify voters who are not likely to vote for us. We won't get specific, but here are a few hints: Some of these voters have names like Juan and Carlos, some use canes or walkers, some participate in theatrical musicals, some do not visit the barber often enough and carry backpacks full of books, some are excellent dancers. Of course, some of these people might actually vote for us, so stick to Democrat strongholds.

Watch out for liberals! They are usually easy to identify because they drive hybrid cars with environmental bumper stickers, wear Planned Parenthood sweatshirts, hang out at Trader Joes, speak grammatically, rarely eat junk food and use Apple products. Most of these "people" vote by absentee ballot so they can stay home to watch reruns of a show called Downton Abbey.

Strategy #3: Republican legislators should enact laws that are blatant violations of the Voting Rights Act. (Actually, they don't have to be blatant, but it's more fun if they are.) We don't expect these laws to stand up in court, but our goals are to create confusion and to keep media focus off our candidate so nobody will notice the idiotic things he says for a few days.

Once these new rules have been shot down in court by godless, abortion-loving socialist judges, continue the confusion. Here's one example: Change phone numbers so that bewildered voters who call state board of elections offices for clarification will be connected to Domino's Pizza. Use your imagination! Just don't get caught.

To make voting even harder for Democrats, construct voting booths made of balsa wood and Scotch tape and locate their neighborhood polling stations in places that even a GPS cannot find.

Strategy #4: Falsify or destroy as many registration forms as possible, but be discreet. Placing the forms in Whole Foods tote bags on your way to the shredder will make Democrats think you are one of them.

Shred only absentee ballots. At most Democrat strongholds, like Cincinnati, our voting machines only record Republican votes, especially this year because our candidate owns the company that makes them. (Do you believe we actually got away with that?)

We can win this thing folks! We just have to be smarter about it than we were when we chose the candidate.