John
Hello...God?
God
Hey John, what can I do for you?
John
Wow, I never thought you'd answer.
God
Well, the time before Easter and the Oscars is my slow season. Don't make me sorry I didn't screen this prayer--what's up?
John
I was wondering--did you have Margaret break up with me on Valentine's Day as a way of letting me know there's someone better out there?
God
Um...yeah, if that will that make you feel better...and stop lying on the floor in the dark, rocking back and forth in the fetal position while crying and listening to R.E.M.'s "Everybody Hurts?"
John
You saw that?
God
Watching you blubber is the only time I wish I wasn't all-seeing. Well, that and during "Two and a Half Men."
John
That's harsh. I had you figured all wrong--I thought you'd be cooler. Like, when I tried to reserve a spot online for tonight's yoga class but they were full and said I'd have to take my chances as a walk-in, I thought maybe that your way of telling me to chill out, stay home and order a pizza?
God
It was.
John
Really?
God
Of course not, I'm being facetious. Have you read the Bible--am I known for my "chill out" ways? I'm God, not the Fresh Prince! Forcing you to make an effort to take yoga was my way of testing your resolve.
John
Oh. Well, I'm glad I decided to go--thanks.
God
Don't thank me--you ordered a pizza anyway when you got home. Me, you're weak. Did you enjoy the class?
John
Yeah--I think I'm really getting something out of yoga.
God
I saw your class tonight, and I think I was "getting something" out of it, too. Did you see that blonde in the back...the one in the red sports bra?
John
Aren't I supposed to be focused on the postures?
God
No, you should have focused on her postures! I haven't seen a body that sick since Job's wife, but she turned out to be a real ball buster. Anyway why do you think I came up with yoga in the first place?
John
Isn't it a meditation, a way of training the mind by training the body...a path toward opening my heart chakra?
God
LOL!
John
Did the Lord of Lords, King of Kings just say "LOL?"
God
Back off, Bobey. At least I'm not the one droning on like Deepak Chopra in a cardigan. No wonder you're still single. I made up all that Eastern religion and philosophy crap just so girls would get hooked on it in college, and "find" yoga in their early 20s. Then I came up with spandex. It was a solid week.
John
Hey, I'm not complaining. I just didn't expect the creator of all time, space and dimension to sound so much like "Van Wilder."
God
What is it with you and Ryan Reynolds? You know I know you bought "Definitely, Maybe," right?
John
It was on sale.
God
On Blu-Ray?
John
He's just so charming! Jesus Christ, will you stop judging me.
God
Ok. I mean, for now.
John
Plus, I think watching romantic comedies helps me to better understand women.
God
Look, even rationalizations have limits. If watching "27 Dresses" makes you understand women better than I do, it's still not worth it. No matter what you read about Hell, nothing is as scary as the words, "Starring Katherine Heigl."
John
I guess you must know what you're talking about. Thanks for the advice.
God
No problem--sometimes mortals need a little nudge. It's like when Moses was up on that mountain, he took a pass at writing the commandments by himself. I finally chimed in when he was up to 192. He actually thought he'd get away with stuff like Number 37: "Thall Shalt Smell Milk To Make Sureth It's Good Before Thoust Pours It Onto Thine Cereal."
John
How'd you know 10 was the sweet spot...why not an even dozen?
God
You still can't wrap your head around the whole Omniscient thing, can you?
John
Honestly, no. Remember, I went to a state school, and not a particularly good one.
God
Yeah, Buffalo State College? When you were filling out the application, I thought you were kidding.
John
I was following a girl--I was crazy about her!
God
Kathy? Wasn't she making out with Matt Bartolotti before senior year was even over?
John
It's cruel to ask when you already know. You're better than that.
God
I'm so not! I just wanted to see the look on your face--nice goin', Romeo!
John
I'm beginning to think my problems with women are partly you're fault. I mean, why would you let me go to that school if you knew that in my senior year I'd end up proposing to the woman I'd marry, only to then divorce her?
God
Seriously, I lost money on that one. There's no way I thought she'd say yes! You dressed like a circus clown and collected records, for my sake. I have "John Gets Married" written down as a possible miracle. Look, I like you--okay, "love you," I guess, but really, you haven't got a clue when it comes to women. That's why, when Margaret asked if she should break up with you, I gave her the thumb's up.
John
You what!
God
I mean...no I didn't? Whatever. Just trust me, go back to yoga and focus on that blonde. After class, say to her that you hope you're not being too forward, but has anyone ever told her that she looks like Botticelli's "The Birth of Venus?" She's getting her Masters in art history at Columbia, so she's going to eat that up. Then ask if she's up for some vegetarian Thai, let it slip that you're thinking of getting a puggle, and that should get you sex through April.
John
I...I don't know what to say.
God
Just say thank you. You know, I don't do this for everybody. Believe it or not, I have more important things to do than be your guardian wingman! Forget your romantic notions of "true love"--that's one of my little jokes, like getting people hooked on "Lost," but not allowing the writers and producers to have any idea how wrap it up in a satisfying way. You think people were pissed about "The Sopranos" finale, just wait!
John
You truly work in mysterious ways.
God
Trust me--choosing between a lasting, meaningful relationship and 6 weeks with the yoga blonde, it's a no brainer. Life is short, especially for you.
John
What!
God
I'm kidding. Probably. Hey--it's almost time for "30 Rock," can we wrap this up?
John
So you're the one still watching? All right, can I close with some Bonus Round-style questions?
God
It's a hack device, but why not. Go for it...
John
What is Hell like?
God
Have you ever been on a New York subway platform in the middle of August?
John
Of course.
God
Well, it's not as hot as that.
John
No kidding?
God
Yeah, Hell is kind of like North Carolina...mid-70's in the summer, upper 50's in the winter.
John
Then what's so bad about it?
God
No Wi-Fi.
John
Chilling! Get it...Hell, "hot"...chilling "cold?" Clever, right?
God
Didn't I already die for your sins--now I'm supposed to sit here while you quip like the host of "Match Game?"
John
Gene Rayburn was always been underrated. Ok, next question--can I have proof of your existence?
God
Are you a virgin?
John
No.
God
Next question...
John
I walked into that one. Lastly--why are we here...what's the meaning of life?
God
Not the "meaning of life" again? You people request that like "Freebird" at a Skynyrd concert. You really want to know? Fine--the meaning of life is...oh, damn--not again. John, give me a second.
John
God, what's the matter?
God
I got the new 4G iPhone for my birthday and there's something wrong with the Gmail application--the thing won't stop vibrating every time I get a message. Regular e-mail, spam...everything.
John
That sounds like a pain. Wait a minute--the 4G iPhone isn't out yet?
God
It is if you're me. Steve Jobs owed me a favor. After all, I saved his ass...I mean, his liver.
John
That is dark. May you forgive you.
God
Whatevs. Look, I gotta' go to the Genius Bar up here and take care of this. Can we finish up another time?
John
Sure thing--good luck, and make a reservation or you'll be in line forever.
God
Good call. Just for that, I'm going to have Margaret beg you to take her back.
John
Really?
God
What a putz--this is too easy.