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So, This Baby Walks Into a Bar...

05/22/2010 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Should parents be allowed to bring their babies and children to bars? It is a question in Brooklyn, New York, that's fired up online arguments, prompted unofficial protests and made outsiders giggle. Parents, on the other hand, say that as long as they're responsible and their kids behave, they deserve the right to grab a quick drink with friends. And, they might add, in a place like New York -- where the cost of baby sitters can be prohibitive and tight living quarters can make hosting guests at home difficult -- they need places to hang out, too. - Jessica Ravitz, CNN.com, March 2, 2010

Baby
Bartender, I'll have a vodka on the rocks...Ketel One.

John
Excuse me, but aren't you a little young to be in this place?

Baby
Hey genius, I was sitting in the Maclaren, not steering it.

John
Sure, that's a good point. I'm just surprised you're getting served.

Baby
In order for the bartender to check my I.D., he'd have to stop blogging. Trust me--I'm all set.

John
What about your parents--won't they be upset?

Baby
They'll never notice--they're over there discussing where they should get my first birthday cake.

John
That's exciting--Happy Birthday!

Baby
Yeah, it would be exciting if they weren't getting it from a vegan bakery. How can they offer "buttercream" frosting when they don't use butter or cream? Christ, I just learned to roll over and even I know those two little ingredients are non-negotiable! Instead of this bitter charade, why don't they just let me suck the 100% post-consumer recycled brown paper box it comes in?

John
Well, I guess it's the thought that counts.

Baby
Don't patronize me just because I'm a baby. It demeans us both.

John
I'm sorry -- no offense. How'd you learn to talk already?

Baby
Mostly listening to CDs by The Hold Steady. And of course, I read McSweeney's. Hey, I see you're not wearing a vintage concert t-shirt from an early 80s band, so you must not be from around here.

John
No, you're right--I live in Manhattan.

Baby
Ah...so what's her name?

John
Who? Oh wait, I get it. Yeah, I did meet someone for brunch.

Baby
You schlepped here for brunch? Must be...fourth date?

John
Fifth. It's been great. She's a part-time massage therapist getting her MFA in Poetics.

Baby
Poetics? What does that even mean?

John
No idea. I kinda' zoned out after I heard the massage therapist part...if you know what I mean!

Baby
Dude, just because I can hang doesn't mean I stop being a baby. Class it up.

John
You're right--sorry. By the way, I'm John...what's your name?

Baby
Don't know yet--my parents wanted to get a sense of my personality before they named me.

John
Wow, that's so...

Baby
So...so what? So "not" like your precious Manhattan where a baby is given a name at birth so that, even when safely secured in his BabyBjorn, he doesn't feel somehow untethered from the universe...rattling around in an existential void?

John
Actually, yes.

Baby
Sorry about that--I missed my therapy this week. Our Mommy & Pilates & Me class got scheduled for the same day.

John
Hey, it happens. What do your parents do?

Baby
My mom sells cruelty-free knitting supplies, and dad makes kinetic sculpture out of old Vespas.

John
You mean he has a trust fund?

Baby
Totally.

John
And what exactly are "cruelty-free" knitting supplies?

Baby
Hey, I'm just a nameless baby from Brooklyn. As long as there's
Organic soy milk in my bottle and hand-loomed sheets from Etsy in my crib that's made of exotic woods harvested from a sustainable forest, I don't ask questions. Oh hell, here comes my dad. Be cool...

Father
There you are little guy! I'm sorry if he was bothering you. Would you mind keeping an eye on him for one more sec? I need to grab his skateboard.

John
But he's just a bab...no problem.

Baby
Whew--thanks man. I don't talk in front of them--I'm not looking to start a Montessori program any sooner than I have to.

John
No sweat, and your drink is on me.

Baby
Hey, speaking of that...do me a solid and pour the vodka into my sippy cup. I hope this night-night juice works fast--I see a Nexflix envelope in mom's bag and there's no way I can make through The Squid and the Whale again.

John
Dammit--don't they know you're just a kid!

Father
OK little fella--time to go! One quick stop for mommy's fair trade coffee and then straight home.

John
He's a cutie. What's his name?

Father
It's funny you should ask. We just decided that for his first birthday, we're giving him his name. It's Ezra!

Baby
That's bullshi...

John
...Perfect! Hey little Ezra, enjoy that birthday cake!

Baby
Sippy cup...sippy cup!